I Actually Feel Sorry for Lindsay Lohan. You May Never Hear Those Words Again.
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I Actually Feel Sorry for Lindsay Lohan. You May Never Hear Those Words Again.

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrities Are Better than You | September 27, 2013 | Comments ()


I’ve said it to the point of ad nauseum, but I cannot overstate what an entitled asshole Lindsay Lohan is. She has shit on every chance and opportunity she’s received, and not in the tragic way of a desperately sick addict—in the buttholey way of a total butthole. And I stand by that. She’s like the drummer in that Mr. Show sketch where Bob Odenkirk thinks they’re kicking him out of the band because he’s got one arm, but he’s actually just a shitty drummer anyway, with or without the arm. She might be an addict, but her bigger issue is what a complete and utter twat she is.

ALL THAT SAID, and record this shit for posterity because it may never happen again, I feel sorry for her.

Paul Schrader, director of The Canyons has done an interview about what a sack of dicks Lindsay Lohan is. I don’t want to blow your minds that he’s done this. He’s definitely never done it before. The entire marketing strategy of The Canyons has definitely not been designed completely around what a shitbag disaster of a person Lindsay Lohan is.

“I am mystified and disappointed by LL’s refusal to support The Canyons,” he wrote in a Wednesday Facebook note on the movie’s page. “She repeatedly said she would come to Venice but never did. … She never showed for the photo sessions, including the session for the ad campaign art.”

He added: “I hired her when no one else would. She fought to keep the role when I wanted to fire her for unreliability. She has no other films in the can.”

Well, clutch my pearls, Lindsay Lohan failing at simple job tasks? You could knock me over with a coke straw.

Are you KIDDING me, Paul Schrader? No, you are not “mystified” by Lindsay Lohan’s inability to do fucking work because that’s who Lindsay Lohan is—someone who does not do work, and when you tell her to do work, she does not do that thing. That is her role on this beautiful blue marble—to not. She even pulled that shit with Oprah, and I’m 99.9 percent sure Oprah has killed for so much less.

No, you are not “disappointed” because if not for Lindsay Lohan’s inability to live life, your movie wouldn’t have made even the minorest duckets it has. It would be a totally ignored direct-to-video (yes, actual video, that’s how nothing this movie would be) and no one would have ever heard of it except Bret Easton Ellis’s Twitter followers and those with a predilection for James Deen Peen.

Oh, you hired her when no one else would? YOU CHARITABLE SOUL. That hiring certainly had *nothing* to do with the fact that her fucking up 24/7 was a total lock and you knew your picture would get mentioned in at least three TMZ posts a week.

And, on top of everything else, the WTF cherry on this shitshow of a sundae, Michael Lohan’s love child has proven that worthless asshole sperm is the strongest sperm by actually getting plastic surgery to look like a hotter Lindsay and selling this story to InTouch. Jesus Christ.

Lindsay sucks. But, Paul Schrader and these other leeches suck way more.

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