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I Actually Feel Sorry for Lindsay Lohan. You May Never Hear Those Words Again.

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrities Are Better than You | September 27, 2013 | Comments ()


I’ve said it to the point of ad nauseum, but I cannot overstate what an entitled asshole Lindsay Lohan is. She has shit on every chance and opportunity she’s received, and not in the tragic way of a desperately sick addict—in the buttholey way of a total butthole. And I stand by that. She’s like the drummer in that Mr. Show sketch where Bob Odenkirk thinks they’re kicking him out of the band because he’s got one arm, but he’s actually just a shitty drummer anyway, with or without the arm. She might be an addict, but her bigger issue is what a complete and utter twat she is.

ALL THAT SAID, and record this shit for posterity because it may never happen again, I feel sorry for her.

Paul Schrader, director of The Canyons has done an interview about what a sack of dicks Lindsay Lohan is. I don’t want to blow your minds that he’s done this. He’s definitely never done it before. The entire marketing strategy of The Canyons has definitely not been designed completely around what a shitbag disaster of a person Lindsay Lohan is.

“I am mystified and disappointed by LL’s refusal to support The Canyons,” he wrote in a Wednesday Facebook note on the movie’s page. “She repeatedly said she would come to Venice but never did. … She never showed for the photo sessions, including the session for the ad campaign art.”

He added: “I hired her when no one else would. She fought to keep the role when I wanted to fire her for unreliability. She has no other films in the can.”

Well, clutch my pearls, Lindsay Lohan failing at simple job tasks? You could knock me over with a coke straw.

Are you KIDDING me, Paul Schrader? No, you are not “mystified” by Lindsay Lohan’s inability to do fucking work because that’s who Lindsay Lohan is—someone who does not do work, and when you tell her to do work, she does not do that thing. That is her role on this beautiful blue marble—to not. She even pulled that shit with Oprah, and I’m 99.9 percent sure Oprah has killed for so much less.

No, you are not “disappointed” because if not for Lindsay Lohan’s inability to live life, your movie wouldn’t have made even the minorest duckets it has. It would be a totally ignored direct-to-video (yes, actual video, that’s how nothing this movie would be) and no one would have ever heard of it except Bret Easton Ellis’s Twitter followers and those with a predilection for James Deen Peen.

Oh, you hired her when no one else would? YOU CHARITABLE SOUL. That hiring certainly had *nothing* to do with the fact that her fucking up 24/7 was a total lock and you knew your picture would get mentioned in at least three TMZ posts a week.

And, on top of everything else, the WTF cherry on this shitshow of a sundae, Michael Lohan’s love child has proven that worthless asshole sperm is the strongest sperm by actually getting plastic surgery to look like a hotter Lindsay and selling this story to InTouch. Jesus Christ.

Lindsay sucks. But, Paul Schrader and these other leeches suck way more.

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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • Jezzer

    I wish she'd hurry. My "WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU, LILO" Etsy store has been ready to go since 2008.

  • bleujayone

    When a young celebrity who showed so much promise eventually succumbs to their demons, and sadly that's happen all too frequently, it is often speculated what might have been if they had lived longer. Unfortunately for every Robert Downey, Jr. story of recovery, they are countless other ones featuring people who refused help when it was offered, couldn't stay on track, bailed out of rehab, had their recovery hindered by their equally destructive family or friends and consequently had their livelihoods and eventually their lives extinguished either by quick downward spiral or slow obscure decay towards the same. Often the ones that live longer only stretch out their destruction, squander more chances and end up at the same end that their younger counterparts did.

    I don't believe Lohan is ever going to recover. I feel she'll finally stop when she's gone too far into the abyss. She's too damaged, has a family that couldn't back up a wall, a group of "friends" that has enabled her and quite possibly harbor many of the same demons only with better methods of concealing them and quite frankly I'm not convinced she even wants to recover. She will not hold herself accountable, therefore any effort towards stability is doomed.

    The Canyons prove this as she believed she was cast as means of phoenix-like comeback. But it was for the very reason she's a predictable, first-class fuck-up that she was brought in and it would seem even now everyone was in on the joke except for her. Lohan's story will in all probability end in the near future with the inevitable overdose after the her career completes its concrete swan-dive into oblivion. It is all tragic, but the end result is hardly surprising. We've seen it all before and we will see it all again.

  • VohaulsRevenge

    I felt sorry for her at only one point: When Schrader threw her to the floor as a demo to James Deen, and she said aloud she'd had a lot of practice at that because of her father, which no one dared follow up on.

    And Paul Schrader? Oh, how the mighty are fallen...

  • dizzylucy

    I kind of feel like when you hire someone with a long history of being difficult, who also happens to be at the lowest of their lows, and you do all this with full knowledge, you don't get to continue to whine about it months later.

  • DeaconG

    After reading the Times piece, the only thing that came to mind was...

    "This is Uncle Paul saying good night! Gooood Niiiiiiight!...hello...are we off the air...GOOD! That ought to hold the little buggers..."

  • Dina Lohan actually inspired an afternoon mental trip in which I imagined a Hollywood Foster Agency that deals exclusively with removing child stars from dipshit, waste-of-space parents and placing them with better influences who can support their career without sacrificing their health, dignity or sanity. I feel like we need a Comment Diversion on potential fosterers.

  • demredheadsyo - just kidding i

    Is Lindsay Lohan seriously still news? Who actually cares at this point? Her story is done and dusted, let's move on people. Let her suffer in peace.

  • Shannon

    Plus, she's just plain ugly.

  • Mrs. Julien


  • Shannon

    too harsh? It's okay if I say it because I'm a ginger too.

  • Mrs. Julien

    I would have gone with unnecessarily nasty. I had a debate with myself, commenting and redacting and revising. But I decided that if I upvoted Bert's "slurred" comment, it would by hypocritical to take anyone to task for being mean. And it's not my place to take people to task. It was quite the little drama (in my head).

  • Bert_McGurt

    You know, it's a fine line. In this case it was borne more out of incredulousness and pity than the desire to be mean. She was a decently talented and quite a pretty young woman not so long ago. Though she certainly shoulders responsibility for her current state of affairs (particularly given the numerous personal and professional wake-up calls she's experienced), it's quite obvious that, as @emmalita:disqus gracefully states above, the genesis of her skewed perspective and attitude is her reprehensible parents.

  • emmalita

    I upvoted that before I saw my name. I didn't have a problem with your comment, because her eyes do look slurred. *Sigh* I shouldn't have called her a twat.

  • Mrs. Julien

    This is where "," would say, "Never, never, never, never, never bet against a comeback."

  • ,

    You left out two "never"s.

  • Mrs. Julien

    [happy dance]
    I edited my comment as suggested.

  • Shannon

    I understand. And it was nasty. But I think that's all she provokes in me, ya know. For all the negative reasons mentioned in the post. Nasty begets nasty.

  • Mrs. Julien

    Which is another reason I removed my comment. It was quite a conversation... with myself.

  • youwotm8- just kidding have a

    what, was 'plain ugly' too much after 'utter twat' and 'entitled asshole'? pajiba isn't necessarily a kind place; a lot of the articles have a sort of mean vibe to them.

  • Mrs. Julien

    You are taking umbrage at a comment I removed because I realised it wasn't appropriate. You know that, right?

  • youwotm8- just kidding have a

    'I would have went with unecessarily nasty' gets your sentiment across, Mrs. Julien.

  • Mrs. Julien

    I called myself hypocritical. What more are you looking for here? Are you calling me fat? Oh my God, you ARE calling me fat, aren't you?

  • emmalita

    Your avatar is a little....round. But nothing a little purging and cocaine wouldn't fix.

  • Mrs. Julien

    Look at how well it worked out for Lindsey Lohan!

    Full circle, people!

  • emmalita

    Is she not supposed to be a role model?

  • Shannon

    yeah, that was pretty much why I voiced my not-so-nice opinion.

  • She was a beautiful kid. Being a drunk, strung-out addict is hell on your looks.

  • Shannon

    It'd be weird if this half sister got surgery to look like LL if LL was attractive. But she's not attractive. So I find it even more insane. I checked out the In Touch article and in the photo provided this chick doesn't even look like they might be related. The article link also has a picture of Kate Gosselin (who is looking a little modified herself) and she looks more like LL than her half sister after the surgery.

    I realize I'm basically stating the obvious. The half sister is dumb. If her goal was to look more like LL then the surgery was unsuccessful and she should try to get the money back. I say THE money back because it most likely wasn't HER money that paid for it.

  • Great post. Paul Schrader came off like a creepy perv in every Canyons-related press mention I heard; this confirms the bad impression. Must admit, though, that I do feel sorry for Lohan in general, entitled twat or not (and why isn't "Twat or Not?" already a gameshow). She was raised by two people so vile that Hollywood may have actually been the better influence (hey, at least parts of it have a work ethic). It doesn't excuse her behavior - at some point, even the kid dealt the shittiest hand has to accept that life isn't fair and success means doing the job (being a non-asshole adult) whether or not you got the training. We shouldn't hold her to a lower standard... but we can still mourn the fact that it's illegal to feed her parents to alligators.

  • PDamian

    If "Twat or Not?" becomes a game show, I want Bob Eubanks or Wink Martindale to host.

    In over 20 years of life as a professional educator, first as an academic librarianship and then as a college professor, I've met a great many young people with serious issues stemming from lousy childhoods and terrible parents. And I still don't know how some people overcome horrific circumstances to become productive, successful adults. I could say that it's a matter of character, or a matter of will, or a matter of a combination of many factors, including simple luck. Certainly, having even one adult to mentor or advise a young person can make a tremendous difference -- but not always. And one of the hard lessons any good teacher learns sooner or later is that one's influence over one's students has limits, and that one will rarely, if ever, be the primary influence in student life.

    I don't know if Lohan ever had anyone at all -- some co-star, or director, hell, the guy who staffs the catering table -- step in and say to her, "Stop. This is not the way to conduct your life." It's obvious her parents never did. I don't know if she's now found in herself, post-rehab, some unknown well of courage and determination that would allow her to make changes in her life. I sincerely hope that's the case, and that her luck improves.

  • Bodhi

    I'm pretty sure that Jane Fonda, Tina Fey, & Amy Poehler all told her to straighten up, but it must have had little or no impact. The producer on Georgia Rule (her movie with Fonda) wrote a pretty scathing public letter to her. I thought publicizing it was in pretty poor taste, but she blew off all of the (valid) accusations & blamed her late/missed days on the all purpose "exhaustion"

  • emmalita

    The truth is, I've felt sorry for Lindsay Lohan for a long time. Is she an entitled, self-destructive twat? Yes, yes she is. But even if she hadn't been a child star, that girl had very little chance of becoming a good person. Her parents are a horrid nightmare of self-important entitlement and rapacious vulgarity. Whether you look at nature or nurture, that kid was screwed. I still wish she would stop being news and would be held accountable for her actions.

  • Shannon

    "I still wish she would stop being news and would be held accountable for her actions."
    YES! That. Thank you.

  • emmalita

    His movie will also be in all future what ever happened to LL, or in memorium pieces about LL.

  • IngridToday

    It's a shame they didn't make a documentary about making the film. That I would have watched.

  • Bert_McGurt

    Jebus, even her EYES are slurred in that picture.

  • Mrs. Julien

    You've been on fire this week, dude.

  • Bert_McGurt

    Thanks! And though I just mentioned it belatedly on the EE this week, you're an absolute doll and I'm going to miss fighting for your official approval every week.

  • Fredo

    Schraeder is just trying to squeeze one last ounce of Lohan-related headlines before The Canyons collapses into its Phantom Zone-like fate of repeats on bad cable channels. Ohh...maybe Lifetime will want to air it!

    As for Lindsay, I think she's spent more time now being a fuck-up than being a potentially-great actress. Kind of like after a certain time after moving to a new city, you're identified more with that city than where you moved from. Lindsay is a proud denizen of Assholeland after spending her formative years in Actress City.

  • Mrs. Julien

    Paul Schrader is not exactly Mr. Healthy himself judging by his output.

  • Speaking of starring in things with James Deen, she looks a lot like Faye Reagan in that picture, although I'm almost certain that Ms. Reagan has a better professional reputation as well as being a better actress.

  • L.O.V.E.

    Hey now, since when is this site doing porn reviews.

    I am going to have to check out this Ms. Reagan for comparisons sake.


    Then I'll jerk off.

  • You're really keeping it up so far...

  • L.O.V.E.

    Oh, I'm all in at this point. Its my James Franco vanity performance art project.

    Its puff, puff, pass. Then putting on the wife's undies, slapping on the mascara and kissing the full length mirror while taking selfies.


    Then I'll jerk off.

  • IngridToday

    A lot of people are better actresses. I'm mystified how she keeps getting more and more chances despite being unreliable and an average actress.

  • Fredo

    Only difference is I'd rather be found in bed with Ms. Reagan as opposed to Lindsay Lohan.

  • Faye Reagan is also way more attractive.

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