Gwyneth Paltrow's Latest, Greatest Advice Is to Steam-Clean Your Vajayjay
She really is just trolling us, isn’t she? ISN’T SHE? I mean, we can’t even make up stuff this good. And frankly, I’m a bit like Dustin — sometimes I want to like her…I have liked her now and again. But, I just can’t with some of these Goopy things. Macrobiotic this, Vegenaise that; unconscious couplings and crazy Christmas lists, and now…Gwyneth seems to be on a vagina kick. Er, that doesn’t sound right; a vagina-related kick. Did you see that getup she wore on Fallon? That was phase one. Phase two? STEAMED VAGINAS. “Not tonight, honey; just had my…AND IT’S FUCKING PISSED.”
Ladies, are your lady parts feeling a little down in the dumps? Perhaps things aren’t as moist as they used to be? Does your energy feel blocked? Whatever it is that’s wrong down there, suffer no more; Goop Goddess, Gwyneth has the cure for what ails you:
“Tikkun is the next level when it comes to Korean spas, combining high-tech far infrared heat with traditional Korean sauna therapies. So, if you want to lay down in a Himalayan salt brick tiled sauna, or sit in a Hwangto clay room, you get the added benefit of far infrared heat. And, in addition to the sauna rooms, there’s a long menu of massages and kick-ass body scrubs to complement the sauna time. We’re burying the lede though, because the real golden ticket here is the Mugworth V-Steam: You sit on what is essentially a mini-throne, and a combination of infrared and mugwort steam cleanses your uterus, et al. It is an energetic release—not just a steam douche—that balances female hormone levels. If you’re in LA, you have to do it.”
NOT JUST A STEAM DOUCHE, PEOPLE, THAT’S SO PEDESTRIAN. YOU NEED THE MUGWORT STEAM. (Disclaimer: does not seem to help with pesky typos.)
Um, what the fork is mugwort and why would I want it sashaying through my crotchtastic areas? A quick Wiki perusal reveals the following, which really only lead to more questions:
Mugwort contains thujone, which can be toxic (in large amounts or prolonged intake). Is vaginally-inhaled steam the same as ingesting? If so, are we about to witness the deaths of a thousand Gwynnie-wanna-bes?
Mugwort can be used to season meats and fish, and has a bitter flavor. Hmm…without being any more indelicate that I already have, do I really want my lady parts to be bitter?
Mugwort has been used to treat unease, unwellness and general malaise, to cause abortion, to ward off insects and keep evil spirits away. Um…
I think I’m going to leave this one for the fancy people. You can read more about “V-Steam Therapy” at the Tikkun Spa site. And no worries boys, you can get one too (though I’d guess the methodology is slightly different). There’s a “Slimming Blend V-Steam?” (Because we don’t already worry about appearances enough — now our vaginas are fat?)
That’s it for today’s edition of Gwynnie’s golden ‘gina tips.
p.s. My new band name is Steamed Vaginas.
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