Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin are 'Consciously Uncoupling,' Managing to Make Even a Breakup Sound Pretentious
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Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin are 'Consciously Uncoupling'

By Vivian Kane | Celebrities Are Better than You | March 25, 2014 | Comments ()

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Gwyneth Paltrow announced today on her Lifestyes of the Obnoxiously Wealthy website, Goop, that she and Chris “Coldplay” Martin are “consciously uncoupling” or, as non-assholes call it, “breaking up.”

It is with hearts full of sadness that we have decided to separate. We have been working hard for well over a year, some of it together, some of it separated, to see what might have been possible between us, and we have come to the conclusion that while we love each other very much we will remain separate. We are, however, and always will be a family, and in many ways we are closer than we have ever been. We are parents first and foremost, to two incredibly wonderful children and we ask for their and our space and privacy to be respected at this difficult time. We have always conducted our relationship privately, and we hope that as we consciously uncouple and coparent, we will be able to continue in the same manner.

Gwyneth & Chris

We all knew this could never last. They didn’t even have a good celebrity couple name. Martrow? Gwartin? Doomed to fail.

Vivian Kane hopes this means there will be a lot of Goop articles on solo vacations that she can’t afford.

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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • Classic

    Things I don't care about Alex.

  • grr arrgh

    "Conscious Uncoupling: Because divorce is for peasants"

  • The Kitastrophe

    I thought 'consciously uncoupling' was what I did after sex.

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    Does this mean I can begin wooing her with baguettes and the whispered promises of unicorn semen enemas?

  • BWeaves

    Skip the baguettes. She's into oil pulling now. Get thee some organic coconut oil and a spittoon.

  • kushiro -

    This is pretty much on schedule. She's at the age and level of fame where it's time to marry a billionaire CEO/financier/magnate/scion of extremely wealthy people.

  • Mrs. Julien

    That was way harsh.

  • "Conciously Uncoupling"?

    What are they? The Dinobots? Was Paltrow in reality a new version of Grimlock? Did the two of them combined to make a Devastator?

    Such pretentious nonsense

  • BlackRabbit

    "No one calls Goop uncrasimatic!"

  • PerpetualIntern

    I think my favorite part about this is her statement on Goop was followed up with an academic article on "conscious uncoupling." Oh, please, Gwyneth.

  • Bedewcrock

    I genuinely thought you were kidding. Dios mio.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    what the why

  • Siege

    I find the timing on this interesting, since yesterday it was announced on the show that Chris Martin is going to be mentoring on 'The Voice'. Did Goop feel the need to make sure he wouldn't be the one getting all the attention? Or does his increased visibility to the mainstream viewer require confirmation that they're split up because something is going to come out?

  • Mrs. Julien

    I know that she can be unlikable, but there is nothing fun or gloat-worthy in their two children having their hearts broken.

  • I totally agree--and yet I feel that she brought a lot of the snark on herself not with the divorce, but with her astonishingly and yet predictably pretentious wording. If she'd left out "Conscious Uncoupling" and decided not to include the explanation from the not-couples-therapists, then it would just be a sad story.

  • ZbornakSyndrome

    While the subject matter is sad, and I do feel badly for the kids, I feel like the language of the statement is just begging for a bit of sarcasm. Conscious uncoupling sounds like something you would do to a radiator.

    If I had known divorce would bring me closer to Mr. Syndrome than ever, I would have done it years ago.

  • John G.

    Jeez, Mrs. Bummer, divorce is better than two unhappy people living together with the kids.

  • Mrs. Julien

    Yes, it is, but, from my experience, the children rarely see it that way.

    ETA: I'm not saying that people should stay together "for the kids", just that in situations like this it is very painful for the children whose world is being dismantled and that means I don't really feel like laughing and pointing.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    I might not be on top of the situation, but I've got a niece and nephew and I don't think they had any illusion that their parents were better or happier together than they have been since the divorce. They might all be struggling now, but I think it's in a different way than "hearts broken". But they are 6th & 9th grade, so a little older.

  • BWeaves


  • BlackRabbit

    Get his band into it: Goopplay.

  • BWeaves

    Ok, I confess, I like Goopplay, and wish I'd thought of it.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Goopplay is most safely performed in the bathtub.

  • Mrs. Julien

    I though Chryneth was the high point, myself.

  • BWeaves

    I like both, but there's something about the double o double p that pleases me.

  • BlackRabbit

    Also it sounds like something she'd endorse, like celebrity Amway. "Three ounces of Goopplay each day and your colon, nails and teeth will thank you!"

  • Bert_McGurt


  • Strand

    Don't even know how this couple worked in the first place. How can you be a self-respecting musician and be married to the whitest woman on the planet? Not that whiteness precludes talent per se... but if you're trying to produce intimate and thought-provoking music, if feels somewhat inauthentic if you live a boring, goopy, wasp-as-fuck lifestyle, as we're constantly reminded. At that point, you might as well start rapping about how many cars and endangered bear rugs you have.

  • bleujayone

    On the other hand their children will genetically be very safe should they ever wish to go jogging at night.

  • BlackRabbit

    Safe? Hell, they'll be fluorescent.

  • Anne At Large

    I had a goop email show up in my spam this afternoon, I wonder if this was what it was about. If so, thank goodness it was in the spam folder. I can see announcing it on your website but I don't want the email blast.

  • $99571230

    She looks so sad in that photo. I can detect the slightest hint of a possible furrow between her eyebrows. Gwyneth didn't win an Oscar for nothing.

  • e jerry powell

    For a second there I thought Anne Coulter had gone platinum.

  • If it was all about privacy, why is she publishing a statement? I mean, when most people end a relationship, you find out when you run into them, unless you're in their close circle of friends or your kids all hang out together. If you truly want to keep it out of the public eye, just say nothing at all about it in public. The statement is not going to stop anyone from speculating, and to the cynical (count me in), it seems like a cry for attention. So not only is it pretentious, it feels disingenuous.

  • Maddy

    I can't believe I'm defending GOOP here but ... I think the rules are a bit different for celebrities. People would have found out and there would have been rumours that they would have either denied or had to answer individually - this is a much quicker way to dispel the gossip cycle I guess.

  • foolsage

    Also, it was a joint statement.

    I dunno. I don't think there's any way Gwyneth could have approached this that wouldn't result in a lot of people attacking her.

  • e jerry powell

    I dunno, in her case, Graydon Carter may do a happy dance.

  • Alberto Cox Délano

    A decade ago I would've said "Good for you Chris"... now I just wish for him and his kids to be able to enjoy a hearty meal at last.

  • Pants-are-a-must

    I hope he gets the Jay Z and Beyonce friendship in the divorce.

  • e jerry powell

    You assume that GOOPY is going to let Chris Martin have anything to do with the kids.

  • barcia

    The assumption may well be that anyone but nannies have anything to do with those kids.

  • eag46

    Not to mention being able to play with toys and games that were made for actual children and not pretentious adults.

  • poopnado

    Am I the only one that gets bothered when people refer to divorce as a "break up"? To me it's on a completely different level, and referring to a divorce or separation of a married couple as a break up is kind of disrespectful to...marriage? Maybe it doesn't make sense, but it irks me. Anyway, IT WAS ALL YELLOWWWWWW

  • Sirilicious

    Do you mean disrespectful of all the (celebrity) marriages that are over in 3 years (or 72 days)? Or to the third to half of all marriages that are dissolved? Or do you mean it is disrespectful because all unmarried, longtime partners fuck around so much more than married people, so their relationship is worth less?

    I understand a knee-jerk, nostalgic reaction like the one you are describing, but if you look at it a bit more objectively... It doesn't make sense. :o)

  • Al Borland's Beard

    Whereas, unconsciously uncoupling is more of a Mel Gibson thing.

  • Mrs. Julien

    ... and unconsciously coupling has resulted in a lot of pregnancies.

  • oui

    is it supposed to be "some of it separately"? genuine question from someone trying to learn ESL :)

  • $99571230

    It could be either.
    "Separated" refers to the fact that Gwyneth and Christ are separated. "Gwyneth and Christ are separated [from each other]."

    "Separately" would refer to how they have been working.
    "Gwyneth and Chris are working separately."

  • DominaNefret

    Was Christ on purpose, or an accident? I truly cannot tell.

  • poopnado

    Either way is basically correct. When a couple is "separated", they are either officially NOT a couple, or it could refer to the fact that they are physically separated.

    "Separately" could mean that they are in the same place, but are working on their own. Does that make sense? The difference here is subtle, but you did a good job catching on to it.

  • Emmet O'Cuana

    Someone give Graydon Carter a high five.

  • Pants-are-a-must

    Color me bored.

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