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By Courtney Enlow | Celebrities Are Better than You | October 16, 2012 | Comments ()


I haven't touched on the whole Hulk Hogan sex tape thing because I didn't want to do anything that remotely constituted touching Hulk Hogan. But, now, I feel compelled, because there's nothing else happening in the world of celebrity and if I write about Taylor Swift again, her people are going to chain me in her tickle dungeon (she has one; I know it).

So, first and foremost, ew. If you haven't seen it, and clearly you haven't because you would not be able to read this as your eyes would have melted, Raiders-style, Hulk Hogan had sex with a lady while married to another lady, while the aforementioned sex lady was married to his best friend. Hulk maintains that he and sex lady only made the beast with one back and one giant orange leather tarp because best friend told him he could. He also did so while married because Linda Hogan, who looks exactly like her husband, which is to say like Betsey Johnson, Janice from the Muppets and a Slim Jim all grew together like a wild shrubbery, was mean to him and hurt his widdle feelings. Also, one time he pulled his penis out in front of his daughter and, another time, rubbed sunscreen on her ass.

What I'm saying is this family is a big pile of ew ick yuck sick nast vom yecchles blech blorg shiver sickie. Basically.

So, now, Hulk is suing his former best friend and ex-husband of sex tape co-star, a gentleman by the name of Bubba the Love Sponge (guys, I'm not making any of this up) for a million jillion dollars and his good name back, which we all know is ridiculous, as his "good name" presently brings to mind daughter creepiness, family fuckery and rent-to-own furniture commercials. He is also suing Gawker, because they posted the footage, as well as a nifty play by play, replete with such gems as Hulk pondering answering his phone mid-fellatio because it might be his son (the ringtone is the daughter's shitty song she did).

Mr. Love Sponge has struck back, saying Hulk leaked the tape himself, which is probably true because that's pretty much how these things go.

Anyway, in summation, ew. Also, ew. With extra ew on the site in case you don't get enough on this salad of ew with garlic ew-tons. Ew.

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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • mc-rox

    Your title and article is ew-gasmic and giggle-lishous! Thanks, Courtney! :):)

  • oilybohunk7

    When you have an UTI they give you a pain pill that turns your urine a startling shade of orange. That shade of orange is also the exact color of his skin.

  • betsy

    my fiance's dad was an engineer where mr love sponge does his show...my fiance and his twin brother know mr sponge quite well, apparently, and when i told my fiance about this whole story he just simply said, 'well, yeah. that's bubs.' i just...is this real life?

  • andrew_j

    I think we should all sue for Gawker letting us know that the tape exists.

  • googergieger

    What you gonna do?! What you gonna do, brother, when Hulkamania runs....oh.....uh....WILD....on...you....*fart*.

    Didn't watch the tape and won't, but I'm pretty sure this is exactly how it went down. Exactly.

  • Mrs. Julien

    My reaction to seeing a new Courtney Enlow article is, to quote Courtney Enlow, a "*tight fisted shiver of joy*". And this does not disappoint. I admit it, I watched it. I'm not proud. I shouldn't be. But I'm not ashamed of my prurience either.

    Does I Love Charts have some kind of graphic representation of dewrag/baseball cap and dark sunglasses ratio to scumbagginess? That head photo is a sympony of entitled gobshite, c.f. Billy Bob Thornton.

    So how many Barbie's were sacrificed to make the Hulkster's weave?

  • Kobie

    My favorite part of the sex tape was about halfway through when Ric Flair jumped in and smacked the Hulkster in the back with a metal folding chair.

  • e jerry powell

    I assume that was before the blow job. That would explain a lot.

  • bleujayone

    Otherwise known as a blowtothebackofthehead job.

  • TenaciousJP

    Living near Tampa, I get to hear Bubba The Love Sponge's radio show every morning, and today was definitely a good listen. Nothing like offering your wife to your best friend and him suing you for $100 million, you know, just because. It's also great because Hogan was the best man at his wedding to his now-ex-wife anyway. I bet Bubba can't stand to look at those wedding photos now for even more reasons.

  • BobbFrapples

    Line starts here for the bleach showers and mind scraping.

  • $27019454

    Wait. Isn't there a son who caused some horrific auto accident that left a young man...details fuzzy...brain impaired or paralyzed? Anybody?

  • Bedewcrock

    Yeah, maimed his passenger and served time in prison.

  • Quatermain

    When I was a kid in the '80's, I was the biggest Hulk Hogan fan. I wore the T-shirts, I had Zubas, I even begged my mother to let me grow a Hulk mullet. And she agreed. Mostly because I was a horrible child and she knew that one day, years from that moment, I would bring a woman home. And then she could pull out those pictures and have her revenge.

    Anyways, even though I'm now in my mid-thirties I've still retained a bit of affection for Hulk Hogan, enough that I'm kind of sorry his life has gone and turned into a tabloid side-show.

  • bleujayone

    Did you ever think you'd see something so pathetic that it would make Randy "The Ram" Robinson look like he had lived a charmed life?

    Nothing like have sloppy seconds of someone named Bubba the Love Sponge- Which by the way still sounds like a birth control device manufactured in Arkansas.

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    Why would you sully the good name of garlic by involving it in this all-you-can-eat ew bar? Garlic wouldn't be caught dead here.

  • Maguita NYC

    It's a break/palate cleansing between vomit inducing carefully worded imagery.

    You know, like when unmercifully trying to keep away blood-and-soul-sucking monsters.

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    But even Dracula wants protection from these people. He's just a bloodsucking fiend, not a celebrity.

  • zyzzyva
  • e jerry powell

    At least Gawker cut out any shots of the corset-looking scar up his back from the spinal surgery.

  • Sirilicious

    Yes, cause those shots would totally ruin the whole thing. It's why i never do doggystyle anymore, because of my hideous spinal scars.

  • Green Lantern

    Those of us with hideous spinal scars really don't give a shit. Neither does Mrs. Lantern (just ask her).

  • Sirilicious

    I actually have spinal scars form a tumor removal from my dural sac. I was being sarcastic on account of his scar-ism. I also couldn't care less what anyone thinks of them and wil not let them ruin my carnal fun. I am contemplating telling the next guy that they are leftovers from a tail-amputation. That might be fun.

  • Green Lantern

    I had a spinal fusion/rod implant at age 11 to correct scoliosis. My scar goes allllll the way down my spine. Cheers, Sirillicious!

  • Sirilicious

    Oh fuck, i'm like a total lightweight, mine's 15cm/6inches tops. And don't believe what the PC people say, size DOES matter! ;o)
    I do admit to some hypocrisy though. I think most scars are pretty cool... Untill they are not. I guess my threshold for judging certain scars to be actually disfiguring is (a lot) higher than most people's, but i once got queasy while looking at a very gnarly stomach scar at a pool. But i think that is MY problem, not the owner's. People, please don't feel like it needs to be covered up and keep showing them in public (maybe not at Ikea, in case of stomach scars), so everyone will get more used to flawed, normal people instead of the perfect specimens that undress all over the place at the drop of a hat.

  • Green Lantern

    Yeah, there is *nothing* cool about my scars....I haven't even gotten into the pulmonary banding and open heart surgeries I've had. But the operations were so long ago that I've had the scar tissue pretty much all my life and just don't give a fuck what people think of me. At least I can say I've married well.

  • e jerry powell

    What do you mean "might"? I want video of the reaction shot.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Well, suing Gawker makes sense. But that's about it.

  • Ted Zancha

    I'm at work, so I am afraid to click on any of the links. However, without the links, I feel as if this is all one big joke. So I am going to say it is, forget all about this, and go on with my life. Because...ew.

  • e jerry powell

    Big, white, saggy, shiny ass. His hair looks like a track weave tacked on around where his do rag would be over his bald spot. You ain't missin' nothin'.

  • L.O.V.E.

    "He also did so while married because Linda Hogan, who looks exactly like her husband..."

    Your right. The similarity is uncanny.

  • Bedewcrock

    The grossest part is that's a picture of his daughter. Ewwwww.

  • Maguita NYC

    @Coutney had kindly forgotten to mention how his "fiancée" looks EXACTLY like his daughter, and is about the same age.

    ... Wait... Is he still engaged to that little daughter-wanna-be, or did they get married... Or broken off their engagement..? Whatever the situation, this is absolutely accurate:"What I’m saying is this family is a big pile of ew ick yuck sick nast vom yecchles blech blorg shiver sickie."

    I pitty those from the West Coast having lunch and reading this article, let alone watching the sex tape.


  • L.O.V.E.

    "... his "fiancée" looks EXACTLY like his daughter", because his daughter looks EXACTLY like him but in a younger, female form.

    Hulk is the living embodiment of the Me Harmony SNL skit.


  • Maguita NYC

    The line between reality and a sketchy joke is very blurred. Someone at SNL has definitely a functioning crystal ball.

  • John G.

    Guess Holk Hogan learned his lesson from the Nineties:


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