I haven’t touched on the whole Hulk Hogan sex tape thing because I didn’t want to do anything that remotely constituted touching Hulk Hogan. But, now, I feel compelled, because there’s nothing else happening in the world of celebrity and if I write about Taylor Swift again, her people are going to chain me in her tickle dungeon (she has one; I know it).
So, first and foremost, ew. If you haven’t seen it, and clearly you haven’t because you would not be able to read this as your eyes would have melted, Raiders-style, Hulk Hogan had sex with a lady while married to another lady, while the aforementioned sex lady was married to his best friend. Hulk maintains that he and sex lady only made the beast with one back and one giant orange leather tarp because best friend told him he could. He also did so while married because Linda Hogan, who looks exactly like her husband, which is to say like Betsey Johnson, Janice from the Muppets and a Slim Jim all grew together like a wild shrubbery, was mean to him and hurt his widdle feelings. Also, one time he pulled his penis out in front of his daughter and, another time, rubbed sunscreen on her ass.
What I’m saying is this family is a big pile of ew ick yuck sick nast vom yecchles blech blorg shiver sickie. Basically.
So, now, Hulk is suing his former best friend and ex-husband of sex tape co-star, a gentleman by the name of Bubba the Love Sponge (guys, I’m not making any of this up) for a million jillion dollars and his good name back, which we all know is ridiculous, as his “good name” presently brings to mind daughter creepiness, family fuckery and rent-to-own furniture commercials. He is also suing Gawker, because they posted the footage, as well as a nifty play by play, replete with such gems as Hulk pondering answering his phone mid-fellatio because it might be his son (the ringtone is the daughter’s shitty song she did).
Mr. Love Sponge has struck back, saying Hulk leaked the tape himself, which is probably true because that’s pretty much how these things go.
Anyway, in summation, ew. Also, ew. With extra ew on the site in case you don’t get enough on this salad of ew with garlic ew-tons. Ew.