Chris Brown is a Lot Like Jesus

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Chris Brown is a Lot Like Jesus

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrities Are Better than You | January 29, 2013 | Comments ()


You know, when I think about Chris Brown, I usually think of our lord and savior. It's true. Usually it's something along the lines of "Jesus CHRIST, Chris Brown" but it's basically the same thing.

Chris Brown, if you didn't know, is a true modern martyr. I mean, all he wants to do is perform and be loved and we just won't let him. We keep bringing up that time he beat up Rihanna, or threw a chair out a window at "Good Morning America," or beat up Rihanna, or got a tattoo that strongly resembled a beaten Rihanna, or went as a terrorist for Halloween, insignificant things like that. WHY CAN'T WE JUST LET HIM BE GREAT?

So, now, after the minor infraction of beating up Frank Ocean, Chris Brown is so sad, you guys. This is how he feels (posted on his Instagram account using the elegant username "fuckyopictures"):


Also, I just want to point out that he beat up Frank Ocean over a parking space. Because that is what stable people do. GIVE HIM GRAMMYS.

You know, every time I post about Chris Brown, the reactions are usually the same. There are three camps: Team I Hate This Clownshoe, Team Stop Talking About Him and Giving Him Attention, and Team He Is An Angel So Forgive Him Already, Damn, a faction which often uses Fassbender as an example for Pajiba's double standard toward ladybeaters.

This is both fair and unfair, as the situations are similar but different--I think Brown's flagrance is the keyest difference. Also, however, those people forget that Pajiba is not a collective tank of groupthink. Some people like Fassbender. I happen to think he is a terrifying robot monster who probably has a sterile murder room in his basement and makes women clean their vaginas (from behind) before he will get carnal with them. And that's okay. We don't have to be the same or agree on everything. Some of us like certain actors other's don't. Some of us get offended by more than others. Some of us like some movies and some TV shows while others don't. We are all different, unique snowflakes who come together and create this glorious mosaic of bitch and snark.

But I think I speak for all of us when I say we all have one thing in common: we all think Chris Brown is an enormously unspeakable douchemonster. Seriously. He's the worst.

Well, almost the worst. Someone else will always have that title.

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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • MJ

    Courtney, you're my new favourite. Everything you said: agreed!

  • Pookie

    Hey Enlow, while you’re at it see what you can dig up on Robert Wagner. I don’t think that boating accident story is going to hold up much longer.

  • Pookie

    Fassbender beats his girlfriend’s ass “allegedly,” then she recants and they start back dating again. So I guess that means that Fassbender didn’t beat her ass because everybody knows that women never go back to the men that beat them. Nice write-up Enlow, you should send this and some of your other groundbreaking work on Chris Brown over to TMZ, I see a Pulitzer in your future.

  • John G.

    yes, it's true, but being a robot and needing things sterile isn't quite the same as beating a girl up. Yes, he makes them wash their vaginas for him, and he stares at them with that dead robot stare, but he doesn't beat them up!! He just murders them.

  • The Replicant Brooke

    Wow, Jesus is ripped.

  • PerpetualIntern

    He should not be allowed to hold that adorable pittie puppy.

  • Gabs

    As if pit bulls didn't already have enough trouble with their undeserved reputation...

  • PerpetualIntern

    No kidding.

  • Tinkerville

    I'm so glad I'm not the only one who finds Fassbender creepy, not hot. And not creepy hot, which is an entirely different category.

  • KZoeT

    So, who's on your creepy-hot list?

  • Tinkerville

    Yep, Cillian Murphy for sure.. Also John Simm, Sebastian Stahn, and Michael Emerson.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    where's Cillian been lately, anyway? doing more creeping than acting?

  • Ash

    Wait, Sebastian Stan from Once upon a time? I'd put him in the hot-hot category.

  • F'mal DeHyde

    Cillian Murphy is creepy hot.

    I don't like Fassbender either.

  • Alberto Cox Délano

    What's up with the allegations against Fassbender? As far as I know, little before his big break, he had a drunken-douchey rant outside of his former girlfriend's house, but not a beating. Where's the full story?

  • carrie

    and fastly after she dropped the charge and they re-started to date together during a short time

  • pumpkin

    That dog does not look happy.

  • Elizabeth Gorman

    My BF and I were watching Mystery Science Theater 3000's movie "Tormented" and when Joel and the 'Bots were throwing miniature singers off of a miniature lighthouse [you need to see the movie to get the bit], BF asked me which singer I would want to see plummet to his/her death. After a moment of thought, I answered "Chris Brown." "Yeah me too," he replied.

  • AngelenoEwok

    My friends and I were playing Loaded Questions at Christmas, and one of the questions was, "If the Anti-Christ walks among us, what name do his friends and enemies know him by?" The most popular answer was "Chris Brown."

  • Pinky McLadybits

    I was just watching that episode today and THOUGHT THE SAME THING.

  • michaelceratops

    Hold the phone... I try to stay up on my celebrity gossip but apparently I missed this... Michael Fassbender is a lady beater?

    Everything I know about the world has been a lie.

  • Pinky McLadybits

    TMZ reported in 2010:

    Then she withdrew her claim and no longer wanted a protection order against him.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    As far as I know, the whole story was fishy from the beginning.

  • bleujayone

    "Also, I just want to point out that he beat up Frank Ocean over a parking space."

    - Let it be known right now, Danny Ocean will not stand for such an act. I mean if he was willing to risk everything when his rich friends were bullied, imagine what he's going to to when he gets wind of this... Nevermind Ocean's 11,12 or 13...This time Danny's gonna recruit EVERYBODY. Every person they every requited before, everyone they ever hired, bribed, talked to or know and everyone they ever had dream team aspirations for. Ocean's 300 if you will. This time, it's EVERYBODY'S fight. Given the cause, they all agree to do it for scale.

    "You shook Usher's hand. You should know better."

  • Puddin

    Jesus was a repressed homosexual with anger issues and an auto tune addiction? Was that in The Da Vinci Code somewhere?

  • NateMan

    That was... brilliant. Thank you.

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    It's coded on the dust jackets.

  • KZoeT

    Director's cut.

  • mswas

    I didn't know Jesus was an asshole.

  • jM

    Oh, he totally is. That wine thing is just good PR. He turned that water into Zima.

  • $27019454

    Yes, but he's a MISUNDERSTOOD asshole. So just get off his back, man.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Didn't you, though? Didn't you?

    (sidebar: was at The Strand a week ago and saw a Phillip Pullman book called something like "The Man Jesus, the Scoundrel Christ" about Jesus and his evil, Messiah, miracle-working brother)

  • Nicole_OCTV

    I'm part of both Team Clownshoe and Team Fassbender Freaks Me Out and Makes Me Uncomfortable. So.....Team Courtney for short.

  • $27019454

    I love it when Courtney posts her celeb hate. It's so heartfelt and sincere and vehement. It contrasts madly with the adorable baby photos she posts elsewhere. I embrace the dichotomy! But seriously, I love that you hate, Courtney! I hate those you hate!
    Sing it! I am so on board. Plus: Yeah, CB = total douche. Fuck this little bitch.

  • katy

    My cousin's daughter, who is 19 and a sophomore in college, used to post on Facebook all the time about her "boyfriend" Chris Brown. She is of the generation where someone mildly popular will generate a ton of responses no matter what she posts, and thankfully the majority tried to explain to her why she was just so wrong in this. They went from trying to inform her, and then as she continued to do her stupid girl schtick they eventually went to flat out shaming her. She didn't care. I then hid her feed. Fortunately I don't see that side of the family very often.

  • ,

    And yet there's always some stunning woman willing to roll the dice.

  • e jerry powell

    Yeah. Like the death row groupies. Makes me wonder about women sometimes.

  • Lindsey Gregory

    I'm on Team I Hate This Clownshoe cause he done stole Tricky's look from the 90s. Asshat.

  • Mel C.

    Oh man. I didn't know about the accusations against Fassbender! Geez.

  • jM

    That puppy was never seen again.

    [*cue Boyz II Men "It's So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday"]

  • memikeyounot

    Just after that picture was taken, he probably kicked that dog. Maybe.

  • Nicole_OCTV

    Seeing him with a pitbull puppy doesn't make me go 'awwww'. It makes me think, 'oh, yeah, this dude TOTALLY has a secret Michael Vick-style dog fighting ring somewhere'. That's the power of Chris Brown.

  • John G.

    oh no doubt! somewhere right now Chris Brown is shooting a pit bull in the head for not winning his fight. I just know it.

  • Buck Forty


  • PerpetualIntern

    And it makes me think, poor pitbull puppy :(

  • Kballs

    I would say I hate Chris Brown but I don't want death threats from stupid assholes. So I won't say it. HIGHROAD4LYFE.

  • zeke_the_pig

    As if that all wasn't bad enough, look at the ridiculous lengths the dickhead needs to go to to relieve himself. Yeah, sure, I sometimes need to smile like a lobotomised prick to take a shit in my pants too, but clutching a baby animal to my head? Some of us have limits, you prolapsed rectum of a 'man'.

  • lowercase_ryan

    Are there really any Pajiba regulars that fall into the he's an angel camp? I thought that was reserved for 14 year olds on Twitter?

  • pissant

    I don't think there are any regulars who think he is an angel. However, that faction was then described as "[using] Fassbender as an example for Pajiba’s double standard toward ladybeaters".

    I mean, that describes Pookie pretty perfectly.

  • kirbyjay

    I thought it was the " you're just hating on him cuz he's black" camp.

    Pookie, head camp counselor

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