Breezy Had a Seize-y and It's All Your Fault

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrities Are Better than You | August 12, 2013 | Comments ()


chris-brown-puppy.jpg

Did you guys know that talking accurate shit about someone can cause seizures? Well it can. Because science.

On Friday, Chris Brown had a seizure. Not since Lindsay Lohan’s team perfected the “exhaustion” excuse has there been such a well-crafted bullshit blamegasm of an excuse. It’s impressive in its amazing fence-swinging. Angels sang when it was written.

“‘While in the studio working early this morning, Chris suffered a nonepileptic seizure (NES),’ his rep told Us in a statement. ‘He was not hospitalized. His doctor tended to him this afternoon and attributes the NES to intense fatigue and extreme emotional stress, both due to the continued onslaught of unfounded legal matters and the nonstop negativity.’

…On Tuesday, Aug. 6, a day after he spent 45 minutes in jail for a hit and run, he tweeted to his followers that he’s may be ending his musical career.

‘Don’t worry, mainstream America,’ he wrote in a tweet that was later deleted. ‘After this X album, it’ll probably be my last album.’

‘Being famous is amazing when it’s for your music and talent,’ he continued. ‘I’m tired of being famous for a mistake I made when I was 18. I’m cool and over it!’

…On Saturday, Aug. 10, Brown wrote, ‘They won’t love u until u r a memory…’”

This has been Great Moments in PR History. *golf claps*

Read that second to last line again. “I’m tired of being famous for a mistake I made when I was 18. I’m cool and I’m over it!” THAT is why he’s so infuriating. Somehow his actual act of nearly beating a woman to death has become overshadowed by how “cool” with it and how “over it” he has been since he joyously jet skied just days later. Then to cap it with his decidedly Kevin McCallistery “you’ll be sorry when I’m gone!”—THIS IS WHY YOU’RE TERRIBLE, CHRISSY.

Also, didja catch that hit and run thing? Did he get arrested for that because the public is mean, too? Aw. Sadface. Life is hard, guys.

That said, if I personally in any way assisted in creating in Chris Brown a non-epileptic seizure, purely through the power of my negative energy, I’m sorry. I was not aware of my powers, and I accept my new role as LORD OF SEIZUREBLASTING.



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Comments Are Welcome, Jerks Will Be Banned


  • TheMudshark

    He looks so cute with that puppy I just want to punch him in the face.

  • Ben

    Good

  • Jo 'Mama' Besser

    Unless I magically transformed myself into a mountain of hard drugs that he ingested, I don't see how I caused this.

  • Uriah_Creep

    ‘They won’t love u until u r a memory…’

    I'm in favor of testing that theory. (He doesn't have to die, mind you, just go the hell away).

  • Robot Devi

    I'm not defending Chris Brown or his actions (I would fucking never. My own dad was an abusive asshole), but I think his story is at least interesting in the way that it shows how black men handle depression. I read an article on racialicious the other day describing how it's presented in the context of both sexism and racism, which is mostly through hyper-masculinity and aggression. Chris Brown has been hearing for years, and immediately following his assault on Rihanna, that he's a monster. On the other hand, he's had ass-kissers around him telling that he did nothing wrong.

    He wasn't as contrite as he should have been, and he hasn't done ANYTHING to redeem himself, but he's not a monster. He's a fucking idiot who did a horrific thing (that he should never be allowed to forget) but it really does seem like he's internalized all the monster comments and is acting the part, probably because on the inside he believes it.

    TL; DR, labeling abusers as monsters is unproductive, and it doesn't help anyone.

    http://www.racialicious.com/20...

  • e jerry powell

    Hmm. I just take my fucking antidepressants and go to therapy every Monday afternoon.

    Of course, on top of being black, I'm also gay, so I am certainly less inclined to be violent with a girlfriend.

    Now who's making sweeping generalizations?

  • Sara_Tonin00

    That's maybe something to consider in terms of his behavior today - maybe. But the initial assault on Rihanna was a hair-trigger incident - instant rage & aggression. And there have been other incidents - the temper flares so hugely...

    That's not to say that I think he's a monster or deserves to die by fire. Just that I wish people would turn away from him as a commercial entity for a while.

  • Finance_Nerd

    I think his PR rep got the diagnosis wrong in saying he suffered a nonepileptic seizure. Brown is a total asshole, so it's more likely it was Irritable Brown Syndrome (IBS)

  • chanohack

    "Seizure by Collective Negativity" seems like a kinda lame way to get rid of a Doctor Who villain that apparently works in real life.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    album title? Collective Negativity could at least be the name of a band.

  • Jebus

    Weren't they big in the 90s?

  • e jerry powell

    I think they played CBGB's with Blondie back in the day, actually.

  • John G.

    I'm glad he's "cool with it". That was my main concern.

  • TheAggroCraig

    "A mistake I made"... I assume he's referring to the domestic violence? A couple years ago I drank a bunch of whiskey sours after not eating for the whole day. THAT was a mistake. Beating the crap out of your girlfriend, I don't think that qualifies.

  • sacripanta

    He should`ve had an SNES.

  • DeltaJuliet

    I guess next time we all have to think negative thoughts until it actually kills him.

  • clancys_daddy

    Next Tuesday work for everybody?

  • e jerry powell

    Why limit it to one day? Whenever you can spare a moment, just throw one up there.

  • NateMan

    Never thought I'd say this about someone having a seizure, but YAY SEIZURE! It's like karma punched him in the brain.

  • Maguita NYC

    It is a case where I approve of your cruelty!

  • NateMan

    Thanks, I've come to accept it about myself. There are just some fuckers you can't wish enough ill will on.

  • Maguita NYC

    I don't wish him any ill will!!!

    I just wish seizures the best of will. Not same difference (or I refuse to see it).

  • NateMan

    Can we wish for him to die in a fire the same way?

  • Maguita NYC

    Fire is cleansing. Too good for him.

  • dizzylucy

    Chris Brown, you're a jerk!
    (waits for him to sprain an ankle)

  • Fredo

    You know, what? You're right, Chris.

    I'm sorry.

    I'm sorry you're an unrepentant dickhole.

    I'm sorry I completely disregard how your beating of a girl to the point of hospitalization and rehab affected you.

    I'm sorry I hold it against you that you beat a girlfriend up for daring to call you on your philandering.

    I'm sorry I keep picturing how you beat Rihanna on the side of the street; you, full of rage and she with her face all swelling up and don't go, "That's an old crime! Why am I still thinking about that?! It's 2013!"

    Most of all, I'm sorry that I lack the voice to express all these feelings to the millions of your female fans who think there's nothing wrong with your actions, who defend you to the point of rage and who, at times, come out and say they'd be glad to have exchanged places with Rihanna that night.

    You're right. My bad.

  • lowercase_ryan

    ‘They won’t love u until u r a memory…’”

    Wrong, I'll be happy when you're just a memory. Preferably not mine.

  • George Tarleton

    Yes. I'm fairly certain that those that don't love Chris Brown never will. But nice try.

  • Milly

    If this story was food I would want to savour it for days, but alas it would taste far too good and I would wolf it down.

    Hmmmmmm, tasty tasty story food.

  • On the bright side, someday we'll all be dead and none of this will have mattered at all.

  • clancys_daddy

    Technically I am pretty sure it doesn't matter now.

  • Guest

    The level of amorality necessary to be in P/R must rival that of lawyers. It's one of the few tv/movie tropes that is actually well grounded in fact, as this scenario demonstrates.

  • Monica

    I don't think your comment is as out of line as the other comments you've gotten indicate - and I work in politics. You didn't say immorality which I think is the big thing to keep in mind and definitely something worth considering.

  • Cazadora

    Thanks. This is a little bizarre, as one of my best friends is head of P/R for the company that I work for and we talk about this kind of thing all of the time. How you have to put aside your personal feelings and get the job done.

  • $27019454

    Huh. Some PR people actually pick a company/idea/cause they can believe in to work with BECAUSE they line up with their personal belief/feelings. Ever think of that before you make broad generalizations of amorality and lack of ethics about an entire profession?

  • Cazadora

    OK, since it's pretty obvious that I've stepped into it big time, here's my try at writing a little spin on it:

    My client’s post from today resulted from a rare form of selfrighteousmous obnoximus that was induced from too much caffeine, reading of Salon and only a
    little time between meetings. She is currently detoxing and will resume posting at a later time. Our thoughts and prayers go with her.

  • $27019454

    Well, OK then.

  • $27019454

    I bet your chosen profession is just so lily white. My, aren't we superior and filled with broad, sweeping stereotypes.

  • Cazadora

    Oh, lord no. "Lies, damn lies and statistics" pretty much covers my field.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    Politics?

  • Cazadora

    Ha, no...statistician

  • Legally Insignificant

    Legally speaking, go f*ck yourself.

  • Cazadora

    You know, what I find disturbing is that rather than downvote my comment (which in hindsight, probably deserves it), so many people are upvoting this crudity. And I have to ask, why? Because it seems so wrong, in a far more outsized way than my silly comment.

  • Uh-oh, looks like someone got caught taking Internet comments seriously.

  • Cazadora

    Awww, feel better now? I don't know if you are a lawyer, but I was under the impression this was something that was trained in law school...the ability to argue both sides.

  • emmalita

    Arguing both sides is not the same as amorality. In most arguments, both sides are partially right. Being able to think through both sides of an argument allows you to a) strengthen your own position, and b) possibly see your way to a compromise.

    Amorality is acting without morals. Completely different.

    When you attack an entire group of people for being assholes, you usually end up the asshole.

  • Cazadora

    What you are describing is "immorality." I was very careful in my word choice, "amorality" means acting outside the question of morals. Admittedly, there is some question by philosophers that humans can act "amoral" but it's still being debated.

  • emmalita

    Amoral is defined as not admitting or recognizing moral distinctions, or lacking a moral sensibility. Immoral is not conforming to accepted forms of morality. Immoral is a person who kills their family. Amoral is a bear who kills that person's family. Neither word applies to lawyers (or PR people) as a group. Specifically, arguing both sides of an issue is neither amoral, nor immoral.

    ETA: my bigger point here is - don't attack an entire group of people based on your perceptions of a few of them and half-understood facts. Judge Chris Brown all you want. You have plenty of information for judging Chris Brown. Don't judge all PR people or all lawyers. You will find you are wrong and being an asshole. Let's let Chris Brown do the job of being an asshole.

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    I don't think PR dudes rival lawyers; they're in a league of their own. Can a lawyer defend the reprehensible ball of (apparently) seizing slime that is Chris Brown? Sure, and quite possibly from a personal moral belief that anyone so capable of doing so do so regardless of whether they think their client guilty. Not to mention numerous ethical guidelines to ensure quality defenses.

    The PR person? No ethical requirements, no personal moral conviction to provide an enthusiastic defense, just the motivation of making the moneys. The lawyer might be in it for cash whereas the PR person certainly is. Clearly the PR person is worse.

  • $27019454

    Yeah, I've been in PR for 20 years and that's me all over. No ethical requirements. Yeah, that's me. Just the money motivator. Yeah, sure. I'm so glad all of you are experts on what you DO NOT DO for a living. Seriously? Where the hell do you get off making this kind of generalization?

    You do realize that almost every non profit has a PR person on staff? Every museum. Every cause. ALL have PR people. No ethical requirements? In it for the cash? How the fuck dare you with this ignorant bullshit?

  • AgLexington

    yeah Chris... we are entirely "cool and over" you almost beating a young woman to a pulp too. we definitely understand it was just a mistake you made when you were 18. all is forgiven.

  • IngridToday

    Him and entourage also got into a fight with Drake and his entourage, which left eight people injured. He punched Frank Ocean over a parking space and threatened to kill him. He lied about his community service hours, and then there's the hit and run.

    I have no idea how talented he is music wise, since I'm don't think I've ever heard one of his songs.

  • BlackRabbit

    Celebrity Gladiators! Great show idea!

  • I can't stop laughing at that title. And can we get an update on that adorable dog in the picture? Did it get out ok?

  • NateMan

    Why do pit bulls never savage the people who deserve it?! Admittedly, that'd be about the cutest mauling ever.

  • Bert_McGurt

    I like to think it peed on him and ran away laugh-barking.

  • MelBivDevoe

    So our unfocused negativity gave him a seizure? Hmm. I bet if we all concentrated really hard, we could make his head pop a la "Scanners."

  • clancys_daddy

    Promise?

  • e jerry powell

    You can make it if you try...

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    The lack of self-awareness of this dicketydouchehole is amazing to behold.

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    I remember when he was on The OC for, like, two episodes and seemed pretty inoffensive and pleasant. Clearly dude ought to be an actor; he'd get all the Oscars.

  • emmalita

    I know you will use your powers wisely.

  • Maguita NYC

    In this case I wouldn't mind a bit of abuse. A mild seizure to my knowledge does not punch and bite you in the face repeatedly, break your ribs, and make you cower in fear for your life.

  • NateMan

    Maybe we can give him a bigger one. Can someone's head actually pop off? Because that would be awesome.

  • Jiffylush

    Not sure if it can pop off but may I suggest an alternative?

    (if you haven't seen Scanners watch it, it's way more than a screenshot)

  • Maguita NYC

    I am all for science!! How about a Bones geek-off in the laboratory (when they were cool about 3 seasons ago).
    Also, I look good in white lab coats.

  • e jerry powell

    I'm thinking that might be a little more Mythbusters, but I could be wrong.

  • NateMan

    Everyone looks good in a white lab coat. Even the arresting officers said so. Apparently pants were a requirement too, though. You'd think they would put that on the sign that wouldn't shut up about the coat and goggles.

  • Maguita NYC

    ... I always pictured you more of a skirt guy...

  • emmalita

    Now you're just provoking him.

  • Maguita NYC

    I was just being honest! Honest!

  • NateMan

    It's called a kilt, madam. A KILT.

  • emmalita

    By wisely, I meant with focus towards Brown and his total unwillingness to take any responsibility.

  • Maguita NYC

    I agree. Just wanted to be extra rageous on behalf of abused women everywhere.

  • Guest

    Your obsession with Chris Brown is tiresome.

  • LucyKlein

    It's preferable to the Lindsey Lohan obsession.

  • George Tarleton

    I know! It's almost as if she's paid to write about celebrities or something.

  • George Tarleton

    And yet, here you are.

  • Guest

    No longer

  • DeltaJuliet

    That's sad. Buh-bye.

  • bleujayone

    Verbieten Sie die Tür, um Sie in den Hintern schlug auf dem Weg nach draußen.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    You know, it took me a while to wrap my head around that sentence. It loses a lot in translation, even if done grammatically right.

  • AngelenoEwok

    Well, bye.

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    I like how he acts like he's left, and yet you still have a downvote.

    It lurks.

    ETA: Ever notice how the easiest way to get a ton of upvotes is just one unmerited downvote? It's freakishly effective.

  • Mrs. Julien

    "It"?

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Are you going to start downvoting yourself now?

  • chanohack

    I don't think you can downvote yourself. (I tried one time.) (But not to get more upvotes.)

  • Sara_Tonin00

    You totally can.

    Esp if you log on from a different location (then you can do it multiple times!)

    [that's what she said?]

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    Nah, the comments still need to be basically decent. I mostly just post crap.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    all the more reason to downvote yourself!

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