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Breezy Had a Seize-y and It's All Your Fault

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrity | August 12, 2013 |

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrity | August 12, 2013 |

Did you guys know that talking accurate shit about someone can cause seizures? Well it can. Because science.

On Friday, Chris Brown had a seizure. Not since Lindsay Lohan’s team perfected the “exhaustion” excuse has there been such a well-crafted bullshit blamegasm of an excuse. It’s impressive in its amazing fence-swinging. Angels sang when it was written.

“‘While in the studio working early this morning, Chris suffered a nonepileptic seizure (NES),’ his rep told Us in a statement. ‘He was not hospitalized. His doctor tended to him this afternoon and attributes the NES to intense fatigue and extreme emotional stress, both due to the continued onslaught of unfounded legal matters and the nonstop negativity.’

…On Tuesday, Aug. 6, a day after he spent 45 minutes in jail for a hit and run, he tweeted to his followers that he’s may be ending his musical career.

‘Don’t worry, mainstream America,’ he wrote in a tweet that was later deleted. ‘After this X album, it’ll probably be my last album.’

‘Being famous is amazing when it’s for your music and talent,’ he continued. ‘I’m tired of being famous for a mistake I made when I was 18. I’m cool and over it!’

…On Saturday, Aug. 10, Brown wrote, ‘They won’t love u until u r a memory…’”

This has been Great Moments in PR History. *golf claps*

Read that second to last line again. “I’m tired of being famous for a mistake I made when I was 18. I’m cool and I’m over it!” THAT is why he’s so infuriating. Somehow his actual act of nearly beating a woman to death has become overshadowed by how “cool” with it and how “over it” he has been since he joyously jet skied just days later. Then to cap it with his decidedly Kevin McCallistery “you’ll be sorry when I’m gone!”—THIS IS WHY YOU’RE TERRIBLE, CHRISSY.

Also, didja catch that hit and run thing? Did he get arrested for that because the public is mean, too? Aw. Sadface. Life is hard, guys.

That said, if I personally in any way assisted in creating in Chris Brown a non-epileptic seizure, purely through the power of my negative energy, I’m sorry. I was not aware of my powers, and I accept my new role as LORD OF SEIZUREBLASTING.