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Who Will Think of All the Sad Wealthy White Men In Prison?

By Dustin Rowles | Celebrity | May 30, 2018 |

By Dustin Rowles | Celebrity | May 30, 2018 |


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When Jeff Sessions thinks of prison, he thinks of street gangs and, also, dangerous criminals who smoke weed. In other words, he thinks of black people, and Sessions has zero interest in reforming the prison system, because he’s a racist elf kewpie and as far as he’s concerned, the more black people that are locked up, the better.

But Jared Kushner? He has an entirely different view of prison. When he thinks of prison, he thinks of poor old Dad, an obscenely wealthy man who spent 14 months in prison because he actually got caught once (among the charges? Blackmailing his own sister with a tape showing her husband with a prostitute hired by Kushner to discredit his brother-in-law).

From Vanity Fair:

Prison reform is an issue near and dear to Kushner, whose father, Charles, spent more than a year in a federal prison camp in 2005 and 2006 on charges of tax evasion, illegal campaign contributions, and witness tampering. The experience left an indelible mark on the young Kushner who, for years, carried a wallet his father made for him in prison; when he joined the White House as senior adviser, he vowed to help improve the system that his father had come through.

Poor Charles Kushner. And poor Jared, who forlornly carried around that prison wallet for years, thinking about the 14 months his Pops had to spend in a minimum-security prison with 800 other hardened white-collar criminals, like Jeffrey Skilling.

But you know what? Prison reform is prison reform, I guess, and if it takes a wealthy white man to put a human face on prison reform for Jared Kushner, I guess we’ll take what we can get.

Kushner is in a prolonged battle with Jeff Sessions over that subject, and Kushner is winning. Donald Trump, for obvious reasons, has taken Kushner’s side (because he hates Sessions, not because he respects Kushner), and a prison reform bill with wide bipartisan support (the House voted in favor of it by a margin of 360-59) is winding its way to the Senate. If it passes there, Trump has vowed to sign it. Of course, it’s hit a hitch there, because two Republicans — Chuck Grassley and John Cornyn — are squabbling. They both want programs to reduce recidivism, but where they disagree appears to be in sentencing reform. Grassley — who has more bipartisan support — wants to reduce mandatory minimums for certain drug offenses, while Cornyn does not appear to want that, so the bill is being stalled.

At any rate, it’s a start and we can all thank Charles Kushner’s attempt to blackmail his sister with a tape of her husband sleeping with a prostitute for that!

But Kushner’s prison reform bender may also extend to Alice Johnson, a 62-year-old great-grandmother serving a life sentence without parole for a first-time drug offense. She’s been in prison for 21 years, and Kim Kardashian wants Trump to pardon her. So, Kim Kardashian reached out to Ivanka Trump, who reached out to her husband Jared Kushner, who set up a meeting between Trump and Kardashian, and here we are: Trump will probably grant Johnson her pardon, because he likes good publicity, and he’ll do anything for the wife of his biggest supporter, Kanye. And so, today, we will have The Kushner-Kardashian summit!

So, uh, thanks wealthy white man! Thanks to all that blackmail and tax evasion, a non-violent great-grandmother might only have to spend 21 years in prison for a first-time drug offense!

2018, am I right?



Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.


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