Twitter Users Recount the Dumbest Ways They've Injured Themselves

I turned 35 the other day, and while that did come with the typical pangs of existential dread and montage-worthy reflection, I also realised that I’d made it to 35 without ever having sustained any particularly bad injury, and I counted myself quite lucky for escaping that—so far! I mean, yes of course, I’ve had my fair share of bruises, sprains, cuts, burns, and knocks, but nothing that’s ever required hospitalisation. Twitter had this topic on its mind recently, when users responded to a prompt asking them to recount the dumbest ways they’d ever seriously injured themselves, and, honestly, reading some of these, I’ve counted myself even more lucky:

Tell me about the dumbest way you’ve seriously hurt yourself please

— Danielle Nicki (@DanielleNicki) April 3, 2023

Got a concussion walking into an aquarium. And then got a concussion trying to run up a kiddy slide at a park but falling and banging my head on it.

— Jessica Ellis (@baddestmamajama) April 3, 2023

I got too many dumb ones so I’ll pick the most recent: drunkenly opened my passenger door on my own face a year and a half ago. Five stitches. pic.twitter.com/8axxck40On

— Paul Bae (@MrPaulBae) April 3, 2023

Mom told me to run back in the house and get a Blockbuster video to return. Forgot on way down they were working on steps, leg got caught inside. Nothing hurt so I walked around for three days before I realized my leg could now bend the wrong way. I had torn all three ligaments.

— Jeff Howard (@jeffreyhoward33) April 3, 2023

Top 2:
Fractured a toe doing the choreography to *NSYNC’s “Tearin Up My Heart”

Tore a calf muscle in stage combat with a friend wearing a Dubya Halloween mask for a music video.

— Sharron Paul (@Sharronica) April 3, 2023

I broke a toe while making my bed. As I was walking around the bed adjusting the duvet, I kicked it by mistake. My bed is big, heavy, made of reclaimed wood. Pinky toe broke.

— Pete Forester 🇺🇸 (@pete_forester) April 3, 2023

Jumping off a church

Getting my ankle caught under a GT snow racer

Sledding down a ski hill late at night in a saucer with someone on my lap. Hit the snow fence & my back jackknifed the wrong way around a pole

— Heather Taylor (she/her) (@heatherAtaylor) April 3, 2023

My one and only time needing stitches was when I cut myself with a butter knife. Even when I had to explain it to the doctor they laughed. Lol In my defense, it was obviously too sharp of a butter knife. Lol

— Michaela Coel Stan Account (she/her) (@AndreaMaysFilms) April 3, 2023

Riding bike w/my hockey stick across my handlebars. Had to ride through a gate. Didn't think about the fact the stick was wider than the gate.
Hit it going a good 8MPH, launched over handlebars into the road right in front of a car, could have had my head crushed like a melon.

— Jeremiah Lewis (@fringeblog) April 3, 2023

I sprained my finger falling UP the stairs. My daughter's friend was over and I knew she had snuck up there to dump out a giant jar of craft supplies so I took off after her. In hindsight it would have been easier to clean glitter out of a carpet.

— Lisa Lutes (@LisaLueyLutes) April 3, 2023

Tried to cut my finger off at the weekend by cuttting a bagel. Did the old, knife in and spin trick… I won't be doing it again in a hurry…

— Sherice Griffiths (@Sherice_G) April 3, 2023

One time I fell down a metal staircase because I heard someone behind me quote a TV show I like, and in my rush to turn around and acknowledge the reference I tripped on my own foot and hit every single step on the way down.

— chels (taylor’s version) 🧣 (@_ChelseaChelsea) April 3, 2023

My mom made shoestring fries in the oven and I couldn’t wait to eat them. I was doing Zumba and only had on a sports bra so I leaned over and burned my belly all to get at some French fries. I still have the scar lol

— Jamila Brown (@JamilaBrownie) April 3, 2023

Melodramatically stubbing a cigarette out on the back of my hand at 16

— Will Reimer 🎙⚡️🌙 (@william_reimer) April 3, 2023

It's 1 of 3 things:
-Stepped on the upright prongs of a power brick I left on the floor.
-Dance teacher appelled on my foot during the paso doble (heel came down on the top, ankle to toes)
-Fell off a horse, landed on my butt, spine smacked together a vertebrae at a time.

— Katie Haskins (@khascat) April 3, 2023

Threw my back out pulling on my socks while seated on my bed. I could barely move for at least two days.

— Sara Wilcox (@sawilcox28) April 3, 2023

Accidentally kicked a server carrying devilled eggs (sorry dude!) and broke my foot.

— Rachel Langer (@rachlanger) April 3, 2023

I took a big drink of water, it went down the wrong way. While coughing I pulled my lower left back.

— Susanne Who Dat B (@hazelmist) April 3, 2023

Opening cheese, I had a knife blade facing me trying to make a cut in the plastic. I finally broke through and the knife hit me right in the face and cut right above my eye. Another time I was playing under a glass coffee table and it broke and I got stitches on my toe.

— gin jockey (@theyallowit) April 3, 2023

For a laugh, I stuck my 11-year-old head into something that looked like an old-fashioned hair dryer and was electrocuted. Came to on the floor. *_* ⚡️

— Jan Libby (@Storeees) April 3, 2023

It wasn’t my fault, but I host a bikini contest at a biker rally every year. One of my very enthusiastic biker fans (about 6’6 and 350lbs) picked me up in a bear hug. I heard a pop. Next day at the ER: 3 fractured ribs🤦🏾‍♀️

— Desiree Simone (@iamdsimone) April 3, 2023

I was trying to pull off my boot and I kicked myself in the face, all in front of my crush.

— Iman Ahmed (@imanwrotewhat) April 3, 2023

Wide leg pants and stilettos don’t mix. The point of my heel caught in the hem of the pants and down the stairs I went, full mug of coffee and all. 😆

— Cara Reinard (@carareinard) April 3, 2023

I went to pick up the 25 pound cat, and his lower half swayed and slammed my knee into the edge of a door which popped something around the joint. I dropped to the floor in pain, and kitty escaped cuddles for a bit longer lol.

— Jenna Rose G. (@JRoseReads) April 3, 2023

Punched myself in the face trying to pull up the sleeve of my sweater. 🙃

— Allison B 🌙 🏳️‍🌈 🏳️‍⚧️ (@ItsNotBottles) April 3, 2023

It sounds made up, but swear to God —
once busted my lip with the old-time, cartoon-like stepping on a rake. Thing snapped up like a viper and smashed me in the face like peak Muhammed Ali, drawing blood. I’ve legit never felt as stupid, ever.

— PatrickdeSousaLahey (@PdeSousaLahey) April 3, 2023

I've lost use of my right hand for what doctors predict will be about 6 months, compressing my radial nerve by sleeping in an awkward position because I was drunk. Seems a disproportionate punishment to me

— anonymous historian and hat collector (@james_e_b_) April 3, 2023

I ran into a brick wall and gave myself a concussion.

— Jazz Tangcay (@jazzt) April 3, 2023

I had 5 weeks left before presenting my master's thesis. I woke up one morning and couldn't open my mouth. Turns out, I had clenched my jaw so hard in my sleep that I sprained that side of my face!

— Katie Irish (@knirish) April 4, 2023

got out of a car, walked into a sign

— Cherie Priest (@cmpriest) April 4, 2023

Years ago: Walking down the street, friend drives by and honks/waves, I turn my head to wave back but keep on walking … and walk directly into a tree trunk. MAJOR black eye, facial bruises. Nurse at clinic when I called to ask what to do couldn’t stop laughing.

— Moira Macdonald (@moiraverse) April 4, 2023

Sneezed and threw my back out.

— Trey Callaway (@TreyCallaway) April 3, 2023

Fell over an open dishwasher and broke my elbow.

— Tanya Selak (@GongGasGirl) April 4, 2023

Knocked myself out swinging a baseball bat at a tree stump. The bat ricocheted and klonked me right between the eyes

— The Camera Guys (@NBCSCameraGuys) April 3, 2023

While making a scrapbook (remember those?) I had everything spread out in piles. I sorta jumped over one pile and landed right on a fully-weighted scotch-tape dispenser. It lined up with the bone on the side of my ankle. Needed 10 stitches

— Danielle Elliot (@daniellelliot) April 3, 2023

Fractured my wrist playing big bar Jenga. Actually

— Nick Nicotera (@NickNicotera) April 3, 2023

Trying to hold in a sneeze while holding dumbbells

— Blake Murphy (@BlakeMurphyODC) April 3, 2023

Sat on a Portuguese man-o'-war

— Lila Guterman (@lilaguterman) April 4, 2023

Launched a hammer out of a giant slingshot made out of a bike innertube. Shot straight up, straight back down, and right into my forehead. Permanent crack in my skull.

Do I win?

— Celestalon (@Celestalon) April 4, 2023