Last week social media was full of women Tweeting out descriptions of themselves as a male author may write them.
She stood in front of the mirror & ran her hands down her naked body. She could be beautiful. If only she was ten years younger, twenty pounds lighter, & had larger breasts. She sighed. She should have paid for a boob job instead of all that ice cream. But it was too late now.— Isla (@Isla_McMahon) April 1, 2018
She had a butt like two buttery brioche rolls and presumably an inner world and job of some kind. https://t.co/kvipWdTRhg— Jennifer Wright (@JenAshleyWright) April 2, 2018
Some of us didn’t even know where to start, so Electric Literature did us all a solid and came up with a chart to guide you to your ultimate description via male gaze.
Obviously, the Pajiba staff took this opportunity to figure out how male writers would describe us.
Tori - “She had a complexion like a tempestuous princess and I thirsted to insult her” - honestly, that checks out.
Genevieve - “She had hair like a juicy bedsheet and I resolved to examine her.” Seems reasonable, I would also want to examine how someone could have hair like a juicy bedsheet.
Emily - “She had an ass like a plump Popsicle, and I deigned to admire her.”
Dustin - “She had lips like a soft ghost and I ached to correct her.” That tracks.
Kristy - “She had a rump like a shrill Popsicle and I did not care to fondle her.” ok, ouch.
Ursula - “She had a pout like a shrill ghost and I intended to compliment her boobs.” I love how mine is just some nonsense and ends with basically TL;DR bewbs. I mean, that basically tracks with the entire premise.
Jodi - “She had curves like a tempestuous ice cream cone and I thirsted to invade/compliment her” I didn’t know whether to keep going with the middle name or last name. I mean, my curves are like a waffle cone if you flip it upside down.
Hannah - All of these sound like they should be read in the voice of Lord Flashheart from Blackadder: “She’s got a tongue like an electric eel, and she likes the taste of a man’s tonsils”