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The Coronavirus Has Nothing To Do With Beer And Plastic Jugs Aren't Helmets

By Jodi Smith | Social Media | January 30, 2020 |

By Jodi Smith | Social Media | January 30, 2020 |


I guess it is time to talk about the Wuhan coronavirus that is killing people in China while making appearances in the United States (here in Ohio) and other parts of the world. There are a lot of misconceptions out there about the virus, the deadly nature of it, and how exactly it travels from person to person.

First of all, the coronavirus has nothing to do with Corona beer, although a friend of mine did overhear a person refusing to drink it during the scare. Again, OHIO. Lots of people are taking crazy precautions like that, including a person that ended up on Reddit’s r/savedyouaclick.

Will wearing water jugs on your heads combat coronavirus? | The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention doesn’t recommend wearing plastic bottles on your head to prevent coronavirus infection. from r/savedyouaclick

I’m sure they thought that a face mask was a good way to avoid germs, so a plastic bottle must be ten times better but nope. Newsflash: Putting plastic on your face will keep you from getting the coronavirus only if you die of suffocation first. So avoid using garbage bags, shopping bags, Ziploc bags, and any other plastic in place of a paper face mask.

Another thing, you can’t get it from eating Chinese food in Ohio unless someone travels to Wuhan Province, catches the SARS-like disease, tricks the people at the airport checking all inbound flights from China for symptoms, goes into the restaurant, and then sneezes right on your sweet n’ sour chicken.

Also, being around people of Chinese descent that have never been outside of America will not make you sick, so don’t be racist.

Hazmat suits, while likely a great way to avoid catching anything, are difficult to drive in and make you that person at work that takes off all of their clothes to pee. You don’t want that, do you?

Some people might think that spraying your nostrils closed with hairspray will stop the virus but I am here to tell you that breathing through your mouth? USES THE SAME TUBES AND LUNGS AS THE NOSE. I know, it is shocking.

You’re probably thinking, “Jodi, I bet people that work as costumed team mascots and cartoon characters are safe in their deathtrap outfits.” WRONG. More than one person uses those outfits! Do you think they hose down the inside after they slide out of Winnie the Pooh’s pantsless legs like a wet fart from between slick cheeks?

NO, THEY DON’T. They just pray to the House of Mouse and exit before handing over the costume made of 20 percent foam, 10 percent polyester, and 70 percent gooch sweat, hoping for the best. So don’t steal any costumes, okay?

Seriously, though. As of this writing, 170 people lost their lives to the virus. At least 124 recovered from the illness and 7,700 are reported as infected. This has people climbing the walls and freaking out about possibly contracting the virus.

Meanwhile, the 2019-2020 flu season, a disease with a vaccine you can get at your local pharmacy for little to no money that will lessen symptoms or help you fight off the illness entirely, has claimed the lives of 8,200 people while 140,000 people went to the hospital for it.

The bottom line is this: wash your hands, get your flu shot, and don’t travel to the quarantined areas of China. And for the love of Jebus, don’t wrap your face in Saran Wrap and expect to avoid winning a Darwin Award, kids.