Yesterday, as I finished Borderlands 2 for the umpteenth time and began yet another new game with Gaige, I thought to myself, “Am I a real gamer?” The same self-doubt crept back into my mind while running from the law after accidentally stealing a horse in Red Dead Redemption 2 (When I checked the horse’s information, it said Morgan, so you can see where I was confused!) Thank the Twitters that some anonymous man — I guarantee it is a man — helped me figure it all out:
Imagine sitting down to type this all out 🤔 pic.twitter.com/m9Zh7Ylynw— krysti.online (@KrystiPryde) April 3, 2019
Well damn. Here I thought beating the original Super Mario Bros on the original Nintendo and continuing to game after that made me a gamer. I was so, so wrong. If you, like me, were confused about your status as a gamer or a lamer, the rest of the Pajiba Staff and I came up with some guidelines to help you along.
Tori: Well by MY metrics, unless you agree that Portal is the best game in the world, you’re no gamer, SON.
Steven: If you didn’t spend the summer of 1991 playing Civilization 12 hours a day every day, you’re not a real gamer in my book.
Petr: SHADOW OF THE COLOSSUS OR DIE
Jodi: YOU AIN’T A GAMER UNTIL YOU BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN IN RDR2, BITCHES.
Tori: Real gamers get all the red bricks in a LEGO game, fight me.
Petr: REAL gamers did that exploding Lara cheat in Tomb Raider 2 repeatedly, not because they were weird and wanted a nude Lara but damn cos it was hilarious watching her explode mid-flip.
Jodi: REAL gamers have the Contra cheat code tattooed on their pubis.
Steven: Only real gamers understand:
Petr: Pretty sure the only way to measure a real gamer is if they fly into an apoplectic rage when they hear anything that sounds even somewhat similar to the Duck Hunt dog’s laugh.
Jodi: You aren’t a real gamer unless you’ve thrown and busted a controller from every platform, right TK?
Tori: Real gamers know the most important part of Breath of the Wild is the cooking (oh god… the fucking cooking…)
Jodi: Real gamers fuck every known alien species in Mass Effect…ON ONE PLAYTHROUGH. REAL gamers wear diapers while completing a Final Fantasy game over the course of a very smelly month.
Petr: Real gamers spend a long, long, LONG time racing, breeding, and searching for treasures with chocobos.
Tori: I judge people who don’t make “but then I took an arrow to the knee” jokes. A real gamer will have somehow completed every puzzle in this monstrosity:
There you have it. Are you a real gamer or just a posing poser who poses?