Donut Day, Cheese Day, Chocolate Day — Cow Appreciation Day? There really is a day for everything and a way for companies to cash in on its Twitter hashtag.
Somehow I don’t think our founding cows would want Chik-Fil-A profiting off of the blood, milk, and moos that made this country great-ish. There is so much more to the majestic cow than marketing ploy or child’s petting zoo staple. Many cows served honorably in the war against humans; placing themselves on train tracks to cause derailments and kicking people in the face. It’s time to look at some cow heroes on this, their day of appreciation.
The Cow In Twister
Cows don’t know what tornado emergency sirens mean — that is just fact. Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton were too busy chasing the tornadoes to think about giving farm animals a heads up, but this brave cow was nice enough to demonstrate the storm’s strength to them. Twice.
Cow Death March In Lake Placid
When a man-eating crocodile shows up in the lake near your farm, what do you do? If you’re Betty White in Lake Placid, you feed it your poor, unsuspecting cows for more than six years. No monuments stand to the brave cows that were blindfolded and marched to their deaths to placate the monster in a lake. No plaques adorn the bank where they were chomped up like Corn Nuts at a sketchy bar. Today is the day that we salute you, croc fodder cows. May your offspring find better roles in higher budget films.
Charlene Mooken: The Cow That Escaped A Slaughterhouse
In 2002, Ms. Mooken jumped the fence of a slaughterhouse in Cincinnati, OH, and ran from her captors. For eleven days she ran from the law, hiding in bushes, pretending to work for Borden, the cow was apprehended. Luckily, her fight was rewarded with a life-long stay of execution and she lived her days out with other farm animals in safety.
The Innocent Bystander Cows Of O Brother, Where Art Thou?
Cow death and dismemberment is always played for laughs in film, as evidenced by Babyface Nelson randomly shooting them joyfully as they innocently grazed. Shooting cops is one thing, but braaaap braaaap-ing cows is a bridge too far. We appreciate your sacrifice for the sake of illustrating the depths of insanity contained in the gangster.
Mrs. O’Leary’s Cow
Revenge is a dish best served on fire, as evidenced by the actions of Mrs. O’Leary’s cow in 1871. Not even provided with a name in the history books, this cow kicked over a lantern and set a city aflame. Let us all hope that no other cow takes such initiative. Our shit is already bad enough right now.