And The World Rejoiced For The Light Child Comes
Lo, in the winter of the Darkest Time(line), news spread forth of the coming savior. There would be a Light Child. That Child (Who Was Not Assigned a Gender Because We Don’t Need Your Binary Bullshit) would soon vanquish the Encroaching Darkness with only the Ability to Style Hair and a series of Well-Timed “Jeah!”s. Though the Battle would be long and the Difficulties tremendous, the Light Child would have with them a Great Companion in the form of their Father/Intellectual Peer. And the Father-Peer would bestow upon the Light Child the knowledge of many lives. This is How You Swim Fast. This is How You Take Shots! Shots! Shots! Shots! Shots! Shots! Avoiding International Scandals By Not Being A Dickhead. The Foxtrot.
While Others had tried to fight the Night and failed, the Light Child would succeed. For this Light Child was born Not of This World, but of One Significantly Wetter and More Swimable.
Behold! The Light Child’s arrival is Impending!
Bless you, Light Child! And Forgive Us For All the Cracks We Made About Your Pops!
TL;DR Lochte put a baby in his girlfriend. Happy End of 2016, y’all.