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swalwell_fartgate.jpg

A Painstaking Investigation Into Whether Rep. Eric Swalwell Farted on MSNBC

By Jodi Smith | Social Media | November 19, 2019 |

By Jodi Smith | Social Media | November 19, 2019 |


swalwell_fartgate.jpg

Listen, the Pajiba Slack is probably just like you imagine that it is, especially after you read this post. If you haven’t already been on Twitter, let me save you a moment: #Shartgate and #Fartgate are the same thing.

Listen to it. What do you hear? Let’s go to, uh, us.

Dustin: Oh my god! Eric!

Emily: That has to be something else, right?
Petr: I dunno, man. That face he pulls. That’s a fart face.
Jodi: THAT IS A PHONE NOISE.
Petr: Fart face though. at the very least that’s a fart face
Dustin: Phone noise?
Jodi: vibrating phone on a desk. [husband’s] phone is always on vibrate and that’s how it sounds. Trust me, if this was a fart? I WOULD KNOW.
Dustin: but he’s standing. he paused! FART FACE. PETR IS RIGHT FART FACE
Jodi: if he’s standing then the fart wouldn’t have sounded restricted. he did pause, yes.
Petr: Oliver Stone needs to direct this movie.
Dustin: He pauses, and there is almost imperceptible movement
Petr: Back, and to the left.
Jodi: yeah, when your phone vibrates so loud during a live interview, you pause
Emily: I’m with Jodi. He’s got a weird cadence to begin with. Like he paused weird after “The evidence … is uncontradicted.” I’m guessing he’s a weird talker, and then the phone buzzed and he didn’t know how to address it. You can’t say, “That wasn’t a fart just then.” Because then everyone knows it’s a fart.
Petr: because he’s nervous as he knows a fart is flying down the tunnel!
Emily: That’s not a fart that slips by, that’s one you have to work on. #NotAFart
Dustin: Where’s the hard surface? He’s in a hallway!
Petr: Dude is expending considerable effort trying to slide it out stealthily, or maybe hold it back completely. Then he shifts to a position that he’s sure will work out, he pulls the trigger, but uh oh. Blam.
Jodi: if that was a fart he would be sitting on a hard chair to make that noise. y’all are acting like hallways don’t have furniture and saying he is standing up. CAN’T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS, FARTGATE FANS
Petr: THIS IS HOW THE LEFT SPLINTERS
Dustin: He’s in the hallway of the capitol building where they are about to hold the impeachment hearings. DO YOU SEE ANY END TABLES?

[IMAGE NOT INCLUDED FOR RIGHTS REASONS. THERE ARE NO END TABLES IN THIS PARTICULAR HALLWAY OF THE HOUSE OF REP. BUILDING]

Petr: Rowles with the fart site receipts!
Jodi: THEN HOW WAS FART LOUD? HOW WAS FART TAPPING ON SOMETHING? besides his backdoor. if the phone was near a mic then the vibration would be loud. it was loud. someone rips ass like that, they have a red face, kid
Dustin: Everyone knows a fart carries further in houses of power.
Petr: F*ck me that made me laugh so hard I almost farted. All of this extra info is all fine and dandy, man, but I’m telling you, it’s in his eyes. That’s all the truth you need.
Emily: And to be clear, this isn’t about protecting Swallwell or whatever his name is. What I’m defending is the integrity of fart jokes and fart science. This was not a fart.

Dustin: Mug scraping? Bullsh*t.
Jodi: the more I listen to it the more your fart lies seem true. def not a mug. NOW I DON’T KNOW WHAT I BELIEVE ANYMORE. I can’t decide if it sounds wet to me now or if it sounded like that all along or if I’ve projected the wet sound onto the noise.
Petr: EXACTLY, JODES, THEY’RE COVERING SOMETHING UP
Dustin: why would Swalwell pause because a mug on the other end scraped?
Jodi: maybe he did pop an air biscuit on live tv
Petr: Yes, Jodi. Welcome to the truth
Dustin: LOOK AT HIS FACE! THAT IS GUILT. And not just the regular politician kind!
Petr: This is the crux of the matter. There is a flicker of guilt that passes through every human’s eyes when they think they’ve successfully managed to smuggle one out but it crashes out of the box, jazz hands and all.
Jodi: FINE FINE HE FARTED
Dustin: YES. Copy/paste/print, Jodi! Before Emily convinces you otherwise!
Emily: #NeverFarter. Jodi, I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed. And gassy.



Jodi Smith is the Associate Trade News Editor at Pajiba. You can email her or follow her on Twitter.


Header Image Source: MSNBC


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