Let’s face it, True Blood was never good. But for a while, it was fun. It was soapy and violent, occasionally funny and a lot of hot people took their clothes off. During simpler television times, it was the perfect summer show. And now it’s bad. It’s really bad. It’s beyond the combined efforts of Eric Northman and Sarah Newlin bad. It’s “Wait, what was that line about there being medication now? And vampires infected with Hep V living long and fulfilling lives? Oh my god, Alan Ball, put down the pen and step away from the tortured metaphor” bad.
But I’m unable to stop watching it. So here’s what I, and anyone who is seeing this thing through to the end, can do to make it bearable.
(This is ordinarily where I would warn you that I’ll be discussing major plot points of the show including last night’s episode. I refuse to use the term “spoilers” because that would imply that under certain conditions these developments would have been enjoyable.)
Method #1: The Dead Pool
Last night saw the second major character death this season. Who died, you ask? Nobody cares. But here’s what is important: Alan Ball might have decided to And Then There Were None this shit. So everybody start your dead pool list. Who dies next? How do they die? Who survives? Haven’t you ever daydreamed about how Bill will meet the true death? Now you get to write about it. In graphic detail. And possibly win money/ the admiration of your fellow Pajibians.
Method #2: The Drinking Game
In most drinking games, you drink every time something happens on screen. So I could say, “Take a drink every time someone takes their shirt off.” Or “Take a drink every time Lafayette does a drug.” But I’m not 100% clear on liability laws in all 50 states, and don’t want to be held accountable for your alcohol poisoning. So instead, you’ll drink whenever you yourself doing any of the following:
- Think “I really wish they’d stop showing me Eric, and get back to Lettie Mae and Reverend Daniels’ story.”
- Are able to tell these three vampires apart and name them
- Say out loud, “Wow, all of Sookie’s very convincing emoting is really making me feel things.”
- Say out loud, “Wow, Bill sure does sound like he’s from the South.”
- Understand how it is that Sam became mayor of Bon Temps because, seriously, 6 months ago he was just the shady bar owner without any family or history who employed a witch and a fang banger. You know, all of the things that racist, small town America looks for in a mayor.
Granted these rules might not lead to any actual drinking, but you will be focused both on if you think/ say any of those things, and keeping your bottle upright.
Method #3: The Fade Away
You don’t have to stop True Blood altogether. We had a lot of good times together. And it’s great that we all want to hang on to those good feelings. Just start forming new ones.