What Happened to Our International Men of Mystery?

I know it’s 2024, and we’re supposed to be better people, more realistic in our expectations, and embrace healthier standards of beauty and handsomeness. But what happened to our spies and International Men of Mystery?

There are two spy/spy adjacent shows streaming right now. Netflix’s Black Doves and Peacock’s Day Of The Jackal.

Kiera Knightley is the star of Black Doves, but her ever-present triggerman is Ben Whishaw.
This guy. This guy who has somehow never been a hobbit despite being the most naturally hobbity-looking person on the planet (besides Martin Freeman who was the actual The Hobbit.)

He’s, like, Bilbo’s hippie, druggie cousin, or something with that mop of hair. I think that makes him a Took. He does not look like a dependable assassin.

Whishaw played a very nerdy Q in 2012’s Skyfall, and it made perfect sense that he was 007’s tech support. It would never occur to me to hand this guy a high-powered assault weapon.

He was also incredibly peevish looking in Mary Poppins Returns. It’s a look that worked for him, and I was very comfortable with Ben Whishaw being This Guy. This is the character I think of when I think about him—even the mustache works for me.

Still not the first guy who comes to mind when casting for a borderline psychopath who kills people on contract.

Then you’ve got Eddie Redmayne, who someone looked at and said, “Yes, this is our Jackal. The suave, sophisticated, International assassin who eluded capture for years.”

This guy?

I’ve watched most of The Jackal, and I still don’t get it. Nothing about the show is great except for Lashana Lynch. But I find Redmayne’s casting the most egregious issue with the series. I will never be able to watch him and not think about either of the two ridiculous characters he’s most known for. And not in a good way:

Even the Day Of The Jackal showrunners don’t know what to make of Eddie Redmayne. In one post-shower scene, he looks like the translucent underbelly of an axolotl. But in a different episode, he’s got a full-on six-pack.

You can either allow me to continue believing that Redmayne is the scrawniest, pastiest Brit. Or you can sell me on him being a hard-bodied assassin. You can’t have it both ways!

We used to have a standard for pop culture spies, agents of espionage, and assassins.

No, not this guy.

When I think of British spies, I think of these guys, except maybe Lazenby:

Even though Idris played a CIA Agent in The Take, he comes to mind frequently when I think about British spies. Maybe that’s Luther’s fault.

I expect British spies to be dapper and debonair. Classy even. Like Colin Firth in the Kingsman movies.

Or Henry Cavill in The Man From U.N.C.L.E. I would also accept Henry Cavill in The Ministry Of Ungentlemanly Warfare, to be honest.

Sure, it was idyllic, but Hollywood used to be made up of idols, and we liked it. OK, Ben Whishaw can stay. He’s got great hair.