Sure, I’ve got plenty of genuine, super-serious CINEMA! trailers to share with you today. But none of them feature a drunk Amber Ruffin, so let’s kick things off with this trailer for Comedy Central’s Drunk History Season 6, shall we?
The official synopsis says, “If you want to find out how ‘Frankenstein’ came to be or whether John F. Kennedy ever took meth, then get excited for the return of Drunk History on January 15.” And I mean, I DO want to know about those things! And also about whatever has Evan Rachel Wood mouthing “you amazing puppet shits” with such enthusiasm! So I’m totally into this.
Downton Abbey — In theaters next year
I got nothing. I mean, partly that’s because this is a teaser trailer about a, like, castle or something? But also I’ve never watched the show, and was legit surprised to see some dude on a motorcycle because I thought the series was old timey-er than that. Basically, this trailer is a perfect storm of its own emptiness and my complete disinterest. But I did check IMDb and apparently Maggie Smith WILL be in the film, so that’s something, for those of you who understand this thing! Moving on…
Greta — In theaters next March
This thriller from Neil Jordan starts out sweet before it gets downright disturbing, but even from this trailer alone I think we can all tell what the movie is trying to say: 1) No good deed goes unpunished, not even if you’re Chloë Grace Moretz, and 2) DO NOT F*CK WITH ISABELLE HUPPERT.
Where’d You Go, Bernadette — In theaters… Soon? (I’m guessing Springtime)
Based on the popular 2012 novel and directed by Richard Linklater, this one is certainly intriguing. A woman goes missing, and her family tries to figure out why, and how, and where. But funny? Honestly, it kinda doesn’t matter. Cate Blanchett plays Bernadette, which would be enough (FOR REASONS THIS WEBSITE HAS MADE CLEAR), though as an added bonus the film also stars Kristen Wiig, James Urbaniak, Judy Greer, Billy Crudup and Laurence Fishburne. It really didn’t have to, though. Blanchett was plenty.
The Mustang — In Theaters March 2019
Look, normally this movie would be aggressively Not My Thing. I’m not typically drawn to emotional resonance or movies inspired by real-life events (it’s a character flaw on my part, I know). I mean, I can appreciate the subject matter — rehabilitating convicts and all that — but it’s just a little too serious for my tastes. And while I’m a sucker for animals, I always shy away from movies that seem designed to ply that weakness with the subtlety of a sledgehammer. And yet… well, just get to the scene in this trailer where the mustang rubs its nose on the shoulder of teary-eyed star Matthias Schoenaerts to comfort him, and tell me YOUR eyes don’t get teary as well. Go on. I’ll wait.
See what I mean? UGH WHY DO YOU HAVE TO HIT MY FEELS LIKE THAT, TRAILER? Anyway, the film also stars Bruce Dern, Connie Britton’s Hair, and Jason Mitchell.
This One’s For The Ladies — In theaters Spring 2019
I missed this one as SXSW, and based on this trailer… I made a HUGE mistake. And like, aside from the thirst aspect, how is it that this documentary looks so completely charming?
Captive State — In theaters next March
So lemme get this straight: Aliens take over the planet, and some people are like “this is fine” while other people are like “REVOLT!” Then flash-forward a decade and the citizens of Chicago are torn between… John Goodman and Vera Farmiga?
And finally, this month’s installment of the Blumhouse holiday horror anthology Into The Dark has a trailer:
“New Year, New You” — On Hulu December 28th
Suki Waterhouse and Carly Chaikin star in this tale of secrets and social media… AND MURDER! Or so I presume. Honestly, I just appreciate that the series decided to skip Christmas and go straight to some New Year’s scares.
Header Image Source: Comedy Central