Wait — is it really Friday? FINALLY?! *squee!* That means I can fuck off and watch some videos while speculating wildly about what it all means. That’s right: It’s time for the weekly Trailer Clip Dump Thing!
I use words the best on Fridays, just FYI.
ANYDOODLE, I’m kicking things off with a real ding-dong-doozy of a trailer, at the request of dearest Roxana. Here, watch this shit:
Peppermint — In theaters September 7th
Look, I hope that even in these divisive times we can all agree that getting some old-school ass-kicking Jennifer Garner on our screens is a very good thing. And yet. Why did it have to be in something that looks so hopelessly derivative? And I don’t just mean like, “Oh, it’s another violent vigilante tale where someone loses their family then goes on a killing spree for justice” — I mean, this looks like the bastard child of Punisher and the fucking Death Wish reboot, but with an added dose of “nobody believes the testimony of an emotional woman in a courtroom.” And maybe even a smidge of Elektra in the training?
I dunno. Maybe it’ll be great! Or maybe it’ll be the movie version of the movie’s poster, which goes WAY beyond Photoshop Hell and into sheer madness:
Why yes, those ARE angel wings made of dripping graffiti bullets. But more importantly — WTF IS WRONG WITH HER BODY? That’s not how bodies work, or clothes, or even light. They clearly took some Wolverine concept art, filled in some weird boobs and plopped Garner’s face on top. Or maybe they kept Wolvie’s broad shoulders and pecs and just slimmed the waist to make it look more feminine? I’ve spent tens of minutes staring at it, trying to decide! Tens of minutes I’LL NEVER GET BACK.
Alright, let’s see what else is out there, now that we’re all warmed up.
The Last Sharknado: It’s About Time — Coming to SyFy August 19
Ian Ziering travels through time. Whatever. NEXT.
Hotel Artemis — In theaters June 8th
This is a retro trailer that explains, well, EVERYONE IN THE MOVIE. And you know what? I buy Quinto as Goldblum’s son! This movie continues to look like way more fun than it has any right to be.
Night School — In theaters September 28th
My chief takeaways? I’m kinda obsessed with Tiffany Haddish’s wardrobe in this movie, and for some reason seeing Taran Killam with a beard just cracks me the fuck up. Which I’m mostly stating in order to give me a segue into posting one of my favorite videos of all time…
And from Netflix:
Super Drags — “Coming Soon”
A cartoon about drag queens who moonlight as superheroes? Not a lot of info on this yet, but… well, honestly, they had me at “cartoon.”
What? I like cartoons.
And finally… a reminder that Netflix makes comic books now.
The Magic Order — In stores June 13th
Netflix acquired Mark Millar’s entertainment company, Millarworld, last summer, and this appears to be the first new franchise to spring from this creative partnership. Which means in a few years, I’m sure there’ll be a Netflix series based on it. SYNERGY!