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The Baby in HBO's 'The Baby' Is Evil, Like All Babies

By James Field | TV | April 7, 2022 |

By James Field | TV | April 7, 2022 |


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Babies are terrible. And before the angry comments begin, I obviously don’t mean all babies. Only baby people. Baby birds, baby foxes, baby sharks are all cool. Baby humans are vicious little monsters sucking the literal life from their mothers and metaphorical life from fathers. They’re morning people and night owls who get sick out of spite and stare with contempt while dropping a deuce in their drawers that would shame a diarrhetic dairy cow.

Other people’s babies are bad enough. You hear them howl from their stroller or a wrung-out, half-dead relative might hand you their loin fruit simply so they can have a moment to pee and inject caffeine between their toes. At worst you might have to “babysit,” when one or two wraiths, mere shells of their former selves, hand you an already tired baby who conks out after the first bottle. “He was so good,” you whisper as you slip out the door, watching the newborn spark of rejuvenation in their eyes wink out like a candle flame when the ancient, mindless wail fills the nursery once more.

But then you decide to have your own. You make this decision because other parents tell you having kids is great. Either their own days of caring for babies are long gone, or they’re liars who don’t want to suffer alone. “She’s a little angel,” mom whispers while mentally willing you to ignore her hollow cheeks. “I can’t imagine life without him,” dad says with glassy eyes and a rictus grin. He’s not allowed to imagine life without the baby. The baby won’t let him.

So you have sex and after 40 weeks of the kind of parasitic relationship for which we kill tapeworms, you find yourself in the delivery room. It’s full of strangers in masks and bright lights. Suddenly, you or your partner has to push the equivalent of a naked mole-rat from a celebrated body part like a slimy kaiju invading Disney World. That or someone needs a cesarean section and gets opened up like the butcher is after pork belly. Either way, the room smells like a slaughterhouse the USDA needs to visit more often. They hand you a squalling, squirming thing you must keep alive at all cost despite never taking care of a creature more complicated than a cat. You bid a fond farewell to sleep, peace of mind, and the lion’s share of your financial resources for the next 20 years. And then the final indignity, when a 2:00 a.m. feeding that involves staring bleakly at the wall while you contemplate walking into the lake until the water is over your head and just staying there, you look down and see huge eyes looking back at you with absolute peace and trust, and time stops. For that one crystallized moment, it’s all worth it and you’re so glad you have this child in your arms. You can’t imagine your life before this blessing. Then it poops in its freshly-changed diaper, and the cycle begins anew.

Babies are the worst.

Anyway, here’s the preview for the new HBO Max exposé comedy-horror series, The Baby. Childless Natasha (Michelle de Swarte) feels betrayed that her closest friends are all breeding. But when a baby literally falls out of the sky and into her arms, the real terror is revealed.

I told you so.

The Baby is due April 24 on HBO. Maybe use the time between to renew your birth control prescription, or get that vasectomy you’ve been thinking about. TRUST ME ON THIS.

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Header Image Source: Youtube trailer screenshots