A lot of you had a lot to say in last week’s article about House Hunters, so I thought we could collectively crowdsource the types of people that appear on the show. I’ve started the list, and hope you can help me finish it. We’re doing God’s work here, people.
1. The person that thinks paint is one of those things that’s impossible to change.
2. The person that thinks there should be no correlation between “money” and “the space they deserve in their heart of hearts.”
3. The person that thinks all brass fixtures are actually made of gold.
4. The person that doesn’t want to actually adapt to the culture of the new country to which they are moving.
5. The person that doesn’t understand you won’t bump your head on that low-hanging chandelier once there’s a dining table underneath it.
6. The person that is looking for a “big space for entertaining” but is so loathsome you know they only have like, one friend, if that.
7. The spouse/significant other who secretly knows this relationship will end two months after moving to Kuala Lumpur, but finds it impossible to undo the events already set into motion.
8. The person that assigns human motivations to their pets when analyzing a property.
9. The person that is excited about “tiny living” and then complains that every place is ridiculously small.
10. The person who is clearly aiming for a reality TV career by trying to do “bits” throughout the tours.
11. The person that just can’t make the connection between the proximity to downtown and the price of the home.
12. The person that could not taste the difference between food cooked on a gas stove versus an electric one, but vows to actually burn down any property that has electric appliances rather than live in it.
13. The person convinced every neighbor will be staring through the windows at them 24/7.
14. The person that can’t believe “neighbors” are still a thing in 2017.
15. The person that discusses all the huge changes they will make, and three months later have curiously decided that everything is actually fine the way it is.
16. The person that wants to live on an island and then worries that it might be too isolated.
17. The person that thinks a bathroom without a soaking tub is an affront to humanity.
18. The couple that thinks they are the first ones to make the joke about all the closet space going to only one of them.
19. The couple that thinks they are the first ones to close the other inside one of said closets.
20. The sister/brother/family member along for the ride and is NOT HAVING ANY OF IT.
21. The real estate agent whose soul leaves their body every time they hear the clients’ wants/needs.
22. The real estate agent that somehow ends up at the staged housewarming party because the couple is composed of hellbeasts with no friends and HGTV needed someone to show up.
23. The real estate agent that shows the potential buyer a house 50% over their budget, just to make them realize what’s out of their grasp.
24. The person who is budget-conscious and then buys the most expensive property for the LOLz of it, future fiscal disaster be damned.
25. The person that thinks granite countertops are orgasm-worthy.
26. The person that thinks granite countertops are more offensive than racism.
27. The person that wants to have a “project” to do once he/she moves in because actually spending time with their significant other has grown to be a chore.
28. The person that asks their real estate agent about ghosts on national fucking television.
29. The person that clearly “lost” in the choosing of the final property and cannot disguise their disappointment.
30. The person that lists a “big outdoor space” as a must have, but then complains on-property about all the maintenance it would require.
31. The person who is horny about exactly one room and could not care a lick about anything else.
32. The person who is all, “Give me open concept, or give me death.”
33. The guy who thinks it’s funny in 2017 to comment about how the open space will be perfect for him to watch the game while his wife cooks.
34. The person who wants to move to a country with non-extradition laws because they almost certainly are about to get caught for some type of white-collar crime.
35. The person who realizes their initial “deal breaker” was in fact a silly thing about which they now feel sheepish.
36. The person who realizes their initial “deal breaker” was in fact totally justified and they will be committing a murder once the camera crews have finally left.
37. The person who thinks this bedroom could work maybe as an office, (s)he guesses.
38. The person who seems to be buying a property to have an excuse to daydrink as often as possible.
39. The person who takes a verbal dump on the property during that segment of the show and then agrees it’s “the one” in the final moments.
40. The person that has made a lot of friends since buying their international home, and all of those friends are ex-pats.
41. The person that has made a lot of friends since buying their international home, and have most likely joined a sex cult.
42. The person renovating their new property that is SHOCKED when hidden problems arise.
43. The friend in the initial “hey, we are buying a house” segment that clearly has an unresolved crush on the buyer.
44. The person clearly in the relationship only because the other has the ability to buy a beachfront property in St. Thomas.
45. The person you hope will end up on the “Where Are They Now” version of the show, and hope the answer will be “homeless.”