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When The Rapture Comes, I Want to Be Standing Next to Sarah Palin

By MIchael Murray | TV | November 19, 2010 |

By MIchael Murray | TV | November 19, 2010 |

Dear Sarah:

Excellent days to you my warrior princess!

I just wanted to congratulate you on your sexy and smart new reality show, “Sarah Palin’s Alaska!”

I want to thank you for bringing Alaska to my attention. As I am Canadian, I honestly thought it was a made-up country that existed only on a Risk board, like Kamchatka. But what I discovered was that it was a real country, full of real people who shoot rifles, handle bloody fish heads, dogsled, appear on Bill O’Reilly from the TV studio in their own fortress/mansion, people who, “Don’t retreat, just reload.” It’s a pretty cool place, Sarah, and I thank you for introducing me to it.

I also want to thank you for being pretty. You have awesome hair, Sarah. It’s as beautiful as Mt. McKinley, and I think I’d like to make a nest out of it to curl up into each night. And nobody wears red like you. You know that song, “The Lady in Red” by Chris de Burgh? You probably do because it’s an old song. I think Mr. de Burgh wrote it with you in mind. Nobody looks as good as you in red, not even a Christmas Playmate all decorated for the season.


Apart from being an excellent travel/adventure documentary, I think your show made some important political points. For instance, you spoke of your neighbor who was writing an ugly book on you and your family. I liked the way you showed leadership by telling your children he was stuck inside all day being mean, when the camera showed him sitting outside on his deck reading. I like the way you see into the truth of things, instead of being distracted by the objective nerdiness of elites. It was also cool the way you said the 14 foot fence you built around your apocalypse shelter was an example of how America should protect herself from immigrants and terrorists and other people who wanted your stuff.

When The Rapture comes, I want to be standing next to you.

I also noticed that you used Mamma Grizzlies as recurrent symbols of how America must, and will, protect herself against evildoers. That hit home, Sarah, right in the heart. At any rate, as you’re the original Grizzly Mamma, I was wondering what you thought of the Grizzly Man, Timothy Treadwell? You probably remember him as the subject of a movie made by a German. He was a talkative blonde guy who seemed like he might have been a “confirmed bachelor,” the sort of man who might love bears more than girls. Since you know Dick Cheney and stuff, I was wondering if you guys trained the bear to kill Treadwell so you could be the undisputed Grizzly people and have complete marketing rights to the Grizzly Mamma brand?


If you did train the bear to kill him, I want to thank you.

Way to free market his ass!

Also, do you think Grizzly Bears could patrol your borders? I mean, if you could train one to kill Timothy Treadwell, I bet you could train an army of them to capture and maim Mexicans! You could create a breed of Desert Grizzlies to protect American freedom!

What’s your favorite economic policy?

I think mine’s The Invisible Hand.

The Invisible Hand rocks!

I think I would like to put my invisible hand on you.

Did I tell you that you look good in red?

And that I think your hair would smell like pine cones and gunpowder?

This brings me to your husband, Todd. He has evil eyes, Sarah, and when I think of him I think of the movie The Omen, like maybe Todd is the Dark Prince that is using you to ascend to the Presidency. I worry about that.

On your stellar show, you referred to him as Captain America, but he reminded me more of Riker from Star Trek The Next Generation. You know the guy, right? Number One? He was from Alaska, had a beard and walked weird, like something was sticking up funny inside of him? He was supposed to be into jazz, but I never really bought it, he looked like somebody that called into sports radio to me.


Todd doesn’t look like a jazz cat either. He has Christian Rock written all over him, which is good, because jazz is the music of the devil.


I like the names of the people in your family:

Tripp, Trig, Track, Bristol, Piper, Willow, McKinley.

The names all suggest rugged individualism, like everybody knows how to build crossbows and throw axes.

My family has names like John, Barb and Karen, and although my name is Mike, I have always felt more like a Track.

I think my favorite part of the show took place when your daughter — I think it was Piper—(or maybe her name was Hero or Tomahawk) was protecting her cupcakes. It was sweet to see a 9 year-old girl acting like a Mamma Grizzly and safeguarding her private property without any government intervention! When she shouted, DON’T TOUCH MY CUPCAKES! there was a tone that suggested she was using her shootin’ voice, and that it must be respected. It was like she was saying, “GOVERNEMENT, GET OFF MY LITTLE BACK!”

The other child stepped right the heck down!

Way to go, Piper!

You are a cupcake patriot!

I think you are an excellent Mamma Grizzly and that your children, and America, are in safe hands with you at the helm, or starring in a reality TV show.

I live, I ride, I am Michael Murray.

PS: Sarah, you should know that I am very much a freedom-loving entrepreneur (this sounds like a stupid French word to me. I think there should be a better American word for it, like Liberty Merchant), and I have a business proposal for you. I have designed a line of sniper towers that are portable and easily assembled, and I thought it would be great if I could get an endorsement from you. I have also designed a perfume for ladies called Country Proud, and again, if you could be the Spokes-Grizzly-Lady for this, I think we could make lots of money and fight evildoers all over the place!

PPS: I would very much like to touch your cupcakes.

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