Honest Reactions to the First Episode of ‘The Golden Bachelor’

By Emma Chance | TV | September 29, 2023 |

By Emma Chance | TV | September 29, 2023 |

I’m not here to introduce you to the Bachelor franchise’s latest venture, The Golden Bachelor, because Alison already did that. I am here to share the actual thoughts I had while watching the premiere. They are as follows:

— Good god, Edith. If Gerry doesn’t want you, I do.

— Take a shot every time someone says the word “spunk” or mentions pickleball.

— Leslie claims she once dated Prince and that he wrote (??) “sexy dancer” on her body.

— Bonding over hearing aids is the cutest thing to ever happen on any Bachelor show.

— Kathy in the blue sequin dress is my favorite. While commenting on the other women and the creative ways they got out of the limo in hopes of making an impression on Gerry, she said “I came in creatively: walking.”

— April made a calendar for Gerry and all of the months were April. Where is Hitch? He must retire.

—Ellen is obsessed with her best friend Roberta and should probably just marry Roberta.

— Theresa flashed her flesh-colored underwear at Gerry upon meeting him because it was her birthday and she wanted to come in her birthday suit. Then she didn’t get to talk to him right away and actually thought he might forget about her. Are you kidding, Theresa? When they did get to talk he gave her a cupcake for her birthday and she kissed him on the mouth while he was still chewing. Watch out for Theresa.

— Faith is a fuck boy in a 61-year-old woman’s body: she rides a motorcycle, refers to herself as a “fun monger,” whipped out her guitar to serenade Gerry with, and he gave her the first impression rose. She will be the villain.

—After all the hype about Patty, former Bachelor Matt James’s mom, she got about thirty seconds of screen time and said few words before being sent home. So, she made just as much of an impact on the franchise as her son.

— Take a shot every time Gerry says “poised” or “elegant.”

— I’ll leave you with this: Gerry’s late wife was his high school sweetheart. They were married for 43 years. This man is about to have a second puberty! It’s going to be a make-out city! I can’t wait.

P.S. OH MY GOD Roberta died!