We Also Gave the World Britney Spears

By S. P. Ashworth | TV | October 12, 2009 |

By S. P. Ashworth | TV | October 12, 2009 |

[Side note to my fellow Canucks: Happy Thanksgiv’er. I gave ‘er, and let me just say — it was amazing.]

Previously on The Little Show That Could: Big, hairy, donkey balls. And ABC sucked ‘em.

We open on Demetri. He’s in the scene we last saw, learning about his death on — and let the nice woman on the foggy balcony finish her sentence — March 15th, 2010. Demetri’s just a titch upset, although the woman hopes her information will prevent his death. But then again, she’s being pretty fucking elusive, telling him, “I have to end this call now,” and hanging up. Thanks for that. Demetri scrambles to call her back, but is shut down by the Bell Mobility lady (wait … are you guys still using Bell down there?)

FlashForward!

So here’s something: we watch an old man chatting with a guard on the opposite side of a fenced lawn. Referred to as Herr Geyer, he discusses his flash forward. Apparently he saw “something that will insure [his] release” before the screen pans back revealing Quale Prison in Munich, Germany. OoOO, cool! I wish there was a way I could air high-five the writers after they present genuine, Grade A intrigue. Air High-Five!

Over at the FBI, Demetri gets his boy, Al, to look into the nice woman’s number from his cell phone. When asked how important this task is from a level of Not My Problem, Yo to My Life, As Well As That Of The World, Is At Stake, Demetri says, “Nuclear.” Now, I don’t know if I’m out of line here, but I believe the word “nuclear” is reserved for physicists, high school girls, and whiney bitches. Guess where you land, Demetri?

NotRalph! Hey buddy. I missed you. In the room reserved for the mosaic of clues from NotRalph’s own flash forward, Janis and Agent Vreede man sit among a shit load of files. They’re sorting through the world’s various theories of the blackout. Vreede then mentions Herr Geyer, using the word “sekunden”, which triggers NotRalph’s flash forward. And guess what? We’re goin’ on a stake out.

But first NotRalph needs to convince Stan the Man In Charge of the validity of following said lead. Apparently the big issue surrounds Geyer being a former Nazi. So blah blah blah, I’m right, you’re wrong, NotRalph wins. And then I made a farting sound with my mouth.

Bouncing over to Aaron (NotRalph’s AA buddy), he’s surprising his ex-wife at a very cowboy-esque bar. Kate (“Deadwood’s” Kim Dickens) who mans the bar, asks him what the H-E-double hockey sticks he’s doing there. After some very crucial arguing to let us know they’ve had problems (appreciated), Aaron gets to the nuts and bolts: he wants to exhume their dead daughter’s body. Naturally Kate thinks he’s fucking retarded. And, well, fair ‘nuff.

In the meanwhiletime, Demetri lays in bed with his gal, Zoey. She hounds him to discuss their flash forwards, certain they shared the same one. Demetri relents and Zoey reveals she saw their wedding on a beautiful beach, which means their marriage is on “D-Day”, April 29th, 2010. When Demetri asks if she saw him there, she says yes. Of course, in the flash forward that the audience witnesses, the dude is waaaay far away, so naturally it could be anyone. But Demetri lies to her, saying he saw her, too.

Ze Deutschland! Ze prison. Ze lowdown: this here Herr Geyer is one dangerous muthafucka. At the sit-down, Geyer tells NotRalph how in exchange for his information regarding the flash forward’s 137 seconds, he wants to return to the States and have all charges against him dropped. And, he’s not prepared to say anything unless NotRalph gives him his pardon first. Yeah. “Pardon” your face.

Out in the hall, NotRalph and Janis argue the bajesus out of this dilemma. On the one hand, it’s win-win for Geyer, so should they trust him? On the other hand, this could help billions and billions (NotRalph’s words) of people. Bajagabillions.

Back in the States, Mrs. NotRalph is eating lunch with Stan’s wife, Felicia (“Firefly’s” Gina Torres.) They discuss their men and Felicia’s flash forward. In hers, she saw some random kid in her son’s old bedroom. She says she’s gonna be this boy’s mama. And, I dunno … One thing at a time, people.

So here it goes, folks: Herr Geyer is gonna give up the gossip. He starts discussing Kaballah, and how everything in Kaballah has a hidden meaning. He writes the word in Hebrew, elaborating on their numerical associations, resulting in each letter’s number adding up to 137.

And okay, wait. I know this isn’t “Lost”. I know, I fucking get it. But seriously. This is getting a little ridiculous.

NotRalph agrees with me, freaking out at Geyer to give him something relevant. So, what’s relevant? That Geyer’s flash forward shows him at U.S. immigration, proving his repatriation that results from divulging his second piece of information.

So the team reconvenes in the hall. The prison’s head is super pissed that Geyer may be getting inside NotRalph’s mind. However, NotRalph isn’t convinced. But, before he can elaborate, his phone rings. It’s Aaron, asking NotRalph to push his daughter’s exhumation regardless of Kate’s lacking signature. NotRalph gets all philosophical on his ass and asks Aaron how he’d feel if indeed the remains are hers, and that Aaron’s flash forward of his daughter’s being alive is a lie. And Aaron’s all “…no comment.”

Back in L.A., Demetri tracks down the customs official that Geyer saw in his flash forward. It leads him to a run-down house in suburbia, where “Boogie Shoes” is heard blasting from outside. And on the inside? Jerome Murphy, size “husky”, sporting tighty whities and boogying his butt off. And yes, he did see Herr Geyer in his flash forward, and no, that is not his bong Demetri just knocked over.

Over in Deutschland, Janis boozes it up at the hotel bar as NotRalph watches. Apparently Janis is in turmoil over NotRalph’s lack of ethics. However, NotRalph throws down a “leap of faith” mantra to which Janis says, “Fuck you. Fuck your mantra. And fuck your mama. Bitch is out.” She then flips the table, slings her jacket over her shoulder, and strolls outta there like a gangster. Oh … it’d be kinda great if she had. But for reals? She did nurfin’.

Then Stan calls NotRalph, giving him the heads-up about the authenticity of Geyer’s flash forward. Now they’re gonna put “pressure” on the German government to release Geyer. Which … okay?

At yonder prison, Geyer gets the good news of his release; ice cream cake for everyone. Now for the juicy gossip: when he woke up from his black-out, he saw a slew of dead crows outside his cell window. Naturally, this news does not seem exceptionally prolific and NotRalph remarks how he’s been played. Geyer believes only time will tell, as the tidbit may prove helpful down the line. He then pushes a bird book toward NotRalph in case — you know — he doesn’t know what a G.D. crow is, fuck. Whatever.

Now Aaron is back at Kate’s bar, holding off on the boozin’ the best he can. And he does look pretty shattered, meaning one thing: “the remains …Tracy’s grave … You were right.” Zang. And, kinda neat, too. ‘Cause how can that work? Does he have a twin daughter he didn’t know about? Is there a mix-up at the lab? Cloning! Is it cloning? I knew it. It’s always cloning.

Finally, we watch a memoriam of all the dead agents, headed by Stan. And he goes on about prophets and suffering and mllllllaaaahhhh. Oh, and then Felicia sees the boy from her flash forward sitting in the front row. So there’s that scene’s plot point for ya’ll. The ol’ double P.

Back at the office NotRalph asks for Janis’s help. As he pores over his new bird book, Janis uses some program to calculate the worldwide crow population of the last year. A chart appears on the screen that shows roughly 113 million (or thousand, I dunno) which dips down to pretty much zero on the day of the black out. Neat. Did this occur any other date? Actually, yes. In 1991, in the Ganwar region of Somalia and apparently they’d drawn up report regarding the exact same blackout. Very cool. Well, except for that bird program. That is pure bullshit.

Now for the wickedest scene of the series, IMO. Ganwar, Somalia, 1991: a dry, open field where a young Somalian herds goats. Hundreds upon hundreds of crows fly in the air. And at one moment they’re doing fine and dandy, and the next, they all drop to the ground. The boy looks into the sky and his mouth drops. A massive cloud forms in the shape of a crow, towering over his city.

Air High-Five!

S.P. Ashworth is a fourth-year creative writing student from Victoria, B.C. with aspirations of screenwriting, but realizes that without penning the next Devil Wears Prada, she’s pretty much hooped. You can email her or leave a comment below.