So Crazy Ex-Girlfriend has been back for two full weeks (yes, it’s back. It’s on Fridays. No, I don’t know why. But go catch up on CE-G and Jane the Virgin. That’s back too), and there has been a lot of ground covered already, most of which has focused on Rebecca and Josh’s aborted wedding. Those who have not seen the episodes, I’ll warn you to turn back now.
If you’re still reading, I’m assuming you’ve watched the first two episodes of the season, or you don’t care that much about being spoiled for the details (and I respect your moxy). So very brief recap: Josh bailed on the wedding and fled to a monastery (Maybe? Someone with a more thorough understanding of Catholicism should probably correct me in the comments) believing that being a priest means never feeling guilty again (which, again correct me in the comments, was the opposite of my understanding of being Catholic i.e. the greater the Catholicism, the greater the guilt). Shockingly that didn’t work for him. Rebecca in the meantime took the sudden and completely destruction of what she believed to be her dream life in order to do some deep reflection, and really work on addressing her own underlying issues.
Super JK. She tried to get Josh to eat her poop, and then busted into said monastery (?) to confront Josh in her wedding dress. It didn’t go great. After listing every excruciating detail of Rebecca’s love affair
with for at Josh, Rebecca felt momentarily great. And then she realized what she’d done. Josh felt momentarily awful before realizing he can shift all of the blame to Rebecca for their failed nuptials, and bail on basically everything. But is he right? Was their relationship doomed not because he fled the marriage scene, but because Rebecca is batshit? Or was Rebecca right to feel that Josh had forced her to do all of those crazy things because “love”? Paula’s lawsuit might be quietly humming along in the background (like some many of Tim’s wife’s vibrators), but I need an official ruling now. In the matter of Bunch v. Chan, who is the fuck up?
Y’all are both crazy. And both one-hundred-percent, completely to blame for the botched wedding (yes, that is mathematically possible).
Josh, the court finds you guilty of chronic aversion and avoidance. Sure, jilting one bride at the alter might in someway, somehow be understandable. But we remember Valencia. You spent years refusing to confront the fact that she loudly and openly wanted to get married, and you weren’t feeling it. Maybe you would have eventually been able to pull the trigger. Maybe Valencia was never actually the woman you wanted to spend your life with. Maybe you should open your goddamn mouth, and say something before you’ve moved in with a woman you aren’t sure about marrying. Yes, that will mean that maybe the woman you aren’t sure about marrying leaves you. Maybe that means you end up alone with the thoughts in your head you don’t care for. At which point, you gotta start working on you. Being shitty in a relationship isn’t forgivable just because you really don’t want to be single. Get it together, man.
Rebecca, GIRRRRRRRRRRRL. What are you doing? I mean, clearly this show could be called Crazy Ex-Girlfriend: GIRRRRRRRRRRRL. What are you doing?: The Rebecca Bunch Story, but still. This is not how you live your best self.
For starters, the best way to get revenge on an ex is by proving just how little your break-up ruined your life. No one ever thinks, “Oh man, my ex turned into a crazy sad sack after we broke up. I regret so very much that I let them go! Oh, how I wish I hadn’t screwed up so badly!” As just a pro tip, if ever possible, pretend you don’t recognize your ex. And definitely call him by a wrong name. There will never, ever be a feeling quite as satisfying as “remembering” an ex’s last name wrong.
But this is mostly beside the point. Let’s talk about the giant red flag that’s been waved in everyone’s faces. When Rebecca realized the horrible thing she’d done, it wasn’t “Oh my god, I moved across country for a guy I don’t know, and tried to get him to marry me in an almost impromptu wedding.” It was, “Oh my god, I told him.” So again. GIRRRRRRRRRRRL, you know what you’re doing. And despite your beautiful, revenge laden ballad, you didn’t do it for love. You did it to keep the voices out.
So seriously, both guilty.
Rebuttal From Josh Chan
Given that the underlying issues were started by the Plaintiff, I respec-
SIT DOWN, JOSH CHAN. You still ghosted your fiancé at her wedding. And don’t get me started on that crazy-ass desperation proposal. Jesus can’t save your ass on that one.