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Well, That Was Unexpected

By Melissa McKimmey | TV | March 11, 2010 |

By Melissa McKimmey | TV | March 11, 2010 |

I have to give a fistbump and a ‘Whaaat’ to my outstanding husband, who has been proofreading throughout the season. He’s only seen a few of the first episodes, so if he could understand what was going on based on the recaps, I figured I was golden. You’re the best, Jeff!

This is it. It all comes together now. (Right?) This season was really varied, it had some stellar episodes and some that shouldn’t have made the cut. I loved some storylines, most notably Dale and Alby, Margie becoming a solid businesswoman and Nicki finding herself. Things I hated? The JJ medical plot, Teeny, Ana’s return and Bill. Let’s see how it all wraps up, shall we?

A Plot: Bill and Barb and the election that would not die. The election is in two days and Bill’s trying to get Payley to talk to Marilyn. Man, Bill is the worst politician EVER. Payley and Marilyn go way back. I’m sure Payley knows Marilyn a hell of a lot better than Bill does. What Payley is going to get out of this conversation is that Bill A) is whiny B) is unable to understand how politics works C) can’t ever solve his own damn problems. He’s just going to alienate Payley, which is going to be a problem if he gets elected and comes out as a polygamist.

Marilyn pays Bill a visit in his HQ. His HQ looks pretty expansive for a legislative run. How much damn money does this guy have? I really want to know now. With the three houses, buying the fourth one, a casino and the Home Plus stores, he must be pulling in some dough. Anyway, Marilyn and Bill bicker, he tosses insults, she insults him back all while saying he misjudged her. Eh, maybe. She’s a bitch, but he’s just as guilty of looking out for number one and trying to run the lives of other people. They both suck equally.

Barb is not thrilled about the campaign or coming out as polygamists. She is back at the casino and gets the scoop from Tommy that he and Jerry are covering drug use on the reservation from the DEA. Barb knows this is about the dumbest thing on earth (I can’t believe Margie hasn’t done it yet) and spills to Bill that they need to talk to Tommy and Jerry and help them fix it. Sure Barb, that’ll happen.

Bill glad-handles his volunteers and then talks to a reporter who asks him about his mistress. Bill tells him she’s married and the guy asks about the baby. And I can’t stop laughing. Then the guy produces the paternity test. And the story is going to run at 10. Ha ha ha ha ha.

At the house, everyone blames each other. And by everyone, I mean Nicki and Margie blame each other. I am amused.

Bill goes to Marilyn and talks her into pulling the story. She agrees, mostly because it’s obvious that it’s all new to her and someone else planted the story. Bill’s a fool.

News. No story. Barb tells Bill she gave them the story and the test. Wow. Go Barb. How does it feel to have someone play your game against you, Bill? Maybe you should listen to your wife. I am so proud of her for standing up to Bill. Yeah, maybe this was sneaky, but she tried to talk to him and he wouldn’t listen. He deserves to hear it this way. Barb tells Bill he has become blinded and it dawns on Bill that she wants him to lose. You think? Man, nothing gets past Bill.

Bill and Barb do the photo op vote. Man, her pissed-off face is going to make for some great newspaper copy. They get home and Bill tells Barb that he had Tommy and Jerry removed. What an ass. They trade barbs about ambushes and cutting and running. Well, that will teach the little woman, eh Bill? Do nothing to support her while demanding she support your half-assed plans, then when she asks for help, sabotage her and then act like the injured party. What a great marriage you have. Jerk.

Marilyn pops by the house and tells Bill she found out his secret. She’s actually right this time, as Jerry and Tommy called her to tell her about Bill’s polygamy. Apparently, they hate him even more than they hate her. Gee, how could this have been prevented, BILL? Sissy Spacek is great here. She is so smug and angry all at once and she gives Bill hell and calls his testimony “another excuse for fucking around.” She’s right and she’s awesome.

Bill and Barb sit at the table and talk. Barb tells Bill she is struggling and she always consents to what Bill wants. Bill blahs about the principle and Barb tells him it’s not about that anymore. And it’s not. It’s about respect and Bill doesn’t respect Barb or what she needs and wants. He cares about Bill and figures if he’s happy, everyone else should be too. She also calls his testimony cheesy, which I love.

Barb makes my world right again by telling Bill that she wants a different life. She’s needed Bill for 20 years and she doesn’t need him anymore. Go Barb! She’s right. She can do anything she wants. She has a job, she has skills, she is smart and strong and she can live easily without a selfish spouse manipulating her into a life she is unhappy in. It’s so nice to see strong Barb again. Bill seems surprised. That happens to him a lot. It seems to be the result of not considering anyone else but yourself.

And Bill wins. Thanks for that, show. Bill gives his victory speech and the wives are in the audience. So is Don. Oh, Don. Bill’s speech is about him introducing himself. Which perhaps he should have done before convincing people to vote for him under false pretenses? Just a thought. He brings Nicki up (she’s happy and looks great), then Margie, who is NOT thrilled and he calls on Barb, his first wife and she stands and hesitates. And then she goes up and the three women hold hands, each wearing red, white and blue. They are the flag and Bill is the pole. That’s quite the visual there. It’s really quite sad, seeing these women standing together trying to support each other, knowing they are all going in different directions and that none of them are satisfied where they are. Polygamy really only benefits the man. Several people leave the audience and no one applauds after his speech. I can’t wait to see the fall out from this.

Other plots:

JJ. JJ’s wife Malinda tells Nicki that Adalene is in Kansas. Nicki has Bill look into the matter and they find out about some indictments coming down that week for intermarriage. Ew. JJ denies intermarriage and Bill checks the marriage records and everything looks okay. Of course, Adalene is doped up on a hospital bed, so I doubt everything is as peachy as they claim.

Bill tells JJ Cara Lynn won’t be visiting until Adalene is found. JJ calls Cara Lynn and gets all creepy, telling her she needs to have an exam done. She looks freaked and hangs up on him, he breaks plates. Huh. This is kinda dumb.

Nicki gets some shots on the compound from the doctor and she gets all woozy. Creepy JJ shows up and tells Nicki that he’s been harvesting eggs of his female family members, giving the eggs his sperm and implanting them in various women. It’s compound eugenics! It’s also disgusting and creepy. He even harvested Cara Lynn’s eggs. Jesus. This is sick, people. I know this has happened before, but damn.

At the house, Wanda comes to and tells Bill that Nicki is in danger and that JJ’s doing the stolen egg thing. Bill runs to rescue her.

He’s a little late, because Adalene fakes out Malinda and bashes her head into the bed and takes off to save Nicki. Because Adalene is awesome. Nicki is terrified and Adalene comes in and grabs JJ and awesomely stabs him in the back. Wow, people get hurt a lot on this show. It’s all murder, murder, stabbing, arm slicing, all the time. I hope they have insurance.

Bill shows up then and takes Nicki home. And leaves Adalene there! What an ass. God, she may hate you, but that’s cold, Bill.

What’s not cold is the clinic, because Adalene’s lit it on fire after tying up JJ and Malinda inside. Damn, she is so great. I mean, murder is wrong. (But she’s totally justified.)

Nicki. Nicki is mostly in the JJ plot, but after she gets off the compound, she has Margie cut her hair. It’s a huge deal and I loved that she had Margie do it. I think it was a bit of a peace offering and Nicki’s way of telling Margie that she knows Margie understands (or tries to). It was really symbolic and sweet. Of course, it looks great on her.

Margie. Margie decides to get a divorce/annulment from Goran. She tells Ana that it is because she’s attracted to Goran and that she has no boundaries. True that. Ana says she sees the attraction and it’s not a problem for her. In fact, why don’t they all just be a sweet little threesome? No, I’m not making this up. I guess Ana only thinks polygamy is wrong when the man is in charge. Margie is thrilled, as she loves them both. Oh, Margie. So sweet, so dumb.

Alby. Alby has gone insane. He’s stripping the wallpaper off of Roman’s offices. Bill shows up and Alby tells him that he has appointed himself the new prophet. It’s not just ambition, God told him it was to be so! That makes it okay! They snip at each other about making well-places phone calls, but they both back down. Bill bails and Lura comes in, bowing to Alby and asking what she can do to fix things. He cuts her freaking face with a box knife. Nice to see love mellowed him out. I can’t wait to see what crazy things he does next.

Don. Don’s kid throws a brick through Bill’s window. He tells Bill that Bill ruined their lives. Don shows up finally, and tells Bill that the kids are harassing his son at school (probably some teachers, too) and that they’ll be fine. Don is still trying to be positive and tells Bill that he supports him! What? Don, her ruined your life and he doesn’t care! At all! Screw Bill.

And that’s it, gang! Thanks for reading, thanks for commenting and thanks to Dustin for trusting me with this gig. I’ve loved it, and maybe I’ll see you next season.

Melissa McKimmey is a mom, wife and grocery merchandiser who spends too much time on the internet and has a Chai tea addiction. She spends most of her time on the internet as TWoP Fan and can be emailed at here.