American cinema. The artistic display of relationships, explosions, robots, torture, rape, romance, madcap idiocy, and attempts at broadening the cultural knowledge of society, both successful and decidedly less so. It’s also home of the undressed female form. I’ve conditioned myself to expect boobs whenever I see a movie, whether I’d like to or not. Going to see an action flick? You’re about to see some nudity unrelated to the plot! Wanna watch some comedy? Some chick will lose a top in some crazy, Rube Goldberg-esque sequence of events.
It’s tiresome and unfair in terms of equivalent big screen dick action, you know? Sure, Jason Segal whipped out his majestic member in Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Tom Hardy let loose with his uncircumcised, swinging stinger in Bronson. Satan let his gigantic wedding tackle swing in This Is the End. The difference is, besides it being much less frequent, people point out how distracting to the plot these wieners are for the viewer. Replace them with boobies and hoobies? Hey, that’s just the way things are, am I right? That’s just her character.
In Hollywood it is only a matter of time before most actresses will whip out the goodies in a role. Do you recall when Halle Berry decided to show her breasts in the terrible Swordfish? It was such a huge deal to everyone and men and women that enjoy breasts were psyched for the reveal. The movie sucked, but hey! People would now be able to imagine Berry’s breasts like they really are, so whatever.
Not only do people like to place bets on when which actress will succumb to the pressures of a nude scene, there are entire websites devoted to meticulously documenting the movies in which a certain actress shows her mammaries. I’m talking about down to the exact hour, minute, and second in the film for maximum freeze-frame wanking. This is perfectly acceptable to everyone, I guess.
What about me? What about my fair share? Where’s the ding dang placed irrelevantly into the plot of movies just because men are objects to be looked at in only a sexual manner? I want some movie villainess to show how terrible she is by surrounding herself with pantless men that are indulging her every whim like walking accessories. I want to see her snort coke off a dude’s ballsack while ordering her henchpeople to kill the protagonist.
Some of you might snottily pronounce that what I want is called pornography and you would be wrong while stubbornly missing the point. I’m talking about establishing a male character the same way popular films have established their female counterparts for decades: nudity. Ridiculous, uncalled for, lazy nudity in place of smart writing, character development, and exposition. It’s only fair, right?