Thank You All For Proving Why We Never Need a Woman in Late Night TV

By Deadline Sarah | Think Pieces | April 1, 2014 |

By Deadline Sarah | Think Pieces | April 1, 2014 |

Look — I don’t really have time for this.

But seeing the brouhaha not only over the announcement of Trevor Noah picked to replace Jon Stewart on The Daily Show, but the absolute hate being directed at him by you nags who can’t take a joke and are probably fat, I guess I need to make time to explain to you why late night TV should remain the realm of men.

Listen, sweetheart, I’ll break it down. I’ve got 10 points, so try to keep up:

— Men already reign in late night, and people still watch late night, so obviously it’s working. Why change it? Because of our new “PC Police” culture?

— Johnny Carson only let women like Joan Rivers and Phyllis Diller host The Tonight Show because he was forced to. That’s a fact.

— There are so many funny men out there who would be great hosts for late night TV; why do you want to take away their opportunity to advance their careers?

— Speaking of, what if you have a woman host, but she has kids? I guess she could go on maternity leave and a guest host could fill — going on leave like that only worked for Stewart and guest host John Oliver — but that’s because Oliver is hilarious and we knew Stewart was coming back. What if the woman host changes her mind and just wants to stay at home with her baby? All women want to do that; some are just too afraid of Feminazis to admit it.

— And look, seriously: What about “that time of the month”? Monologues will go from relatively amusing to straight-up bitchy when delivered by a woman on the rag. Mark my words. Or dear God, what if they start crying at everything?

— Some of you might be thinking, “Well, Chelsea Handler hosted her own late-night show for years,” which is technically true, but it was on E! so really, who cares? Now she’s just flashing her breasts everywhere for attention. Classy. Yeah, someone definitely give her a contract on a major network!

— I’ll admit, I’ve chuckled at some jokes by Amy Poehler and Tina Fey, but I really think we can credit their ability to deliver funny lines to their work on Saturday Night Live under the tutelage of Lorne Michaels and Seth Meyers.

— And, I mean, back to my man, Trevor: Just look at the witch hunt that’s raging against this guy for some edgy jokes he made years ago. You’re all only proving my point! You aren’t funny, so you can’t take a joke when you’re presented with it! LEARN TO LAUGH. LIGHTEN. UP.

— A woman host on, say, The Daily Show would go on a witch hunt every night - “Let’s see, who said something ‘offensive’ today? Let’s bitch about it!” And it wouldn’t just be finding dumb politicians — oxymoron, I know : - ). It’d be everybody. It’d be the worst.

— The way men’s brains are wired, they’re better at not taking things out of context, and they really don’t overreact. Trevor said it best:

So again: If it’s not broke, why fix it? If a woman was clever enough, smart enough, and level-headed/unemotional enough to be able to lead a late night show, then sure, let her. But can you tell me where I can find one?

Deadline Sarah is Television Editor for Deadline Pajibawood. You can find her on Twitter.