I have something I should have shared with you guys a long time ago: I love my boyfriend even though he’s a disgustingly grotesque jizz-rag of a human being. See, my boyfriend in only 5’10”, and Hollywood has assured me that that is slightly smaller than the idealized male height of six feet. I mean, at least six feet tall. You probably only want to settle for a man who works hard enough to be Alexander-Skarsgård- or Pablo-Schreiber-tall. But I am willing to overlook the fact that, by and large, I’m not attracted to tall men because my man is that important to me. In fact, I’m willing to overlook my boyfriend being just-average-American-male-height tall even though my friends aren’t feeling it. They’re all, “Oh, you’re dating a man who basically represents your physical ideal ever since you saw Elijah Wood’s shorter, slighter, brown-curly-haired, blue-eyed self climb out of the water during Flipper. Haha, I guess.” But I’m deep so I don’t care that he’s short. In fact, I’m into it. I’m super into a thing that I’m into. Guess I’m just a really good person.
I bring all of this up because I need to discuss another giant flaw my boyfriend has: he can’t write. I don’t mean he’s illiterate because, regardless of how hot you are, illiteracy makes you ineligible as my prospective romantic partner, Charlie Kelly. No, I mean he isn’t gifted in written communication the way I am. Actually, no man is. It’s not their fault, it’s just biological and genetic differences. See, men like to deal with things, and women like to deal with people, which makes sense because women have babies. Then they have to talk to the babies and teach the babies to talk and write notes in their lunches or something. I don’t know, I’m not having kids. But the point is that men just aren’t emotional enough, and aren’t good writers because of it.
Which is why I was alarmed when I noticed that Dustin has recently added Ryan McGee and Dan Hamamura to the writing staff. And those guys? They’re dudes. Clearly I had to bring my concerns to the boss.
I was all, “Hey, I’ve noticed an ever so slight increase in the number of men writing for Pajiba. Meaning female writers now only outnumber male writers three-to-two. I’m worried about this.” And he was all, “Why?” And I was all, “I feel like you’re discriminating against my political identity with that statement, and I’d like you to reconsider your policy RE: me not wanting to work with more men. I feel they’re a threat to my livelihood.” And he was all, “Do you need to adjust your schedule? Because we can do that.” And I was all, “Stop stifling me! Just let me write that ten page internal memo where I explain that men’s pee holes are too big, and they let the stupid in! It’s biology that makes men dumb! You have to let me voice me opinion to my coworkers!” And he was all, “Holy shit, what are you talking about? I can’t let you do that because it’s the textbook definition of hate speech and creating a hostile working environment.” And I was all, “YOU’RE A HATE SPEECH.”
So I think I won.
In closing, it’d be super cool to go one fucking week where some dipshit blowjob didn’t drag a specific woman or women in general with their pseudoscience, faux feminism bullshit to make themselves feel good. We’re not here for your garbage.