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Sorry, Dude: Nobody Would Go To Your Version Of Hooters, Either

By Tori Preston | Think Pieces | August 20, 2018 |

By Tori Preston | Think Pieces | August 20, 2018 |


You ready to blame Millennials for ruining another thing? Get this: Apparently Millennials just aren’t that into big boobs (according to the noted boob-trend experts at PornHub), and that is causing a problem for the chain “breastaurant” known as Hooters. Their sales have stagnated, and between 2012-2016 the number of Hooters locations in the US dropped 7%.

But look, I didn’t come here to pour one out for Hooters — an establishment that I’m sure is still ultimately doing just fine, blah blah chicken wings blah blah. I’m here to talk about one man’s ideas for how to overhaul Hooters and make it more Millennial-friendly.

And based on this dude’s personal nuHooters wish list, I guess I’m here to say: Hooters, DON’T LISTEN TO THIS GUY.

Lemme backtrack: yesterday somebody responded to news of Hooters’ woes on Twitter.

Another twitter user, @EricAdamHovis, posted a bunch of responses to that tweet — which he then synthesized into a whole article called “How To Fix Hooters” on his WordPress site.

(It may be worth noting that @EricAdamHovis describes himself on Twitter as a “progressive leftist sjw libtard feminazi betacuck” which is kind of a lot, and may all be a joke, and honestly, I googled “betacuck” and I still don’t really get wtf it means. So. Moving on.)

Right from the top, he establishes that he’s not into looking at waitresses — he’s into TALKING.

For me to be excited about Hooters, there would need to be changes.

1. I’m not a huge fan of the barbie look - bottle blonde, big boobs, scorching tans.

2. I wouldn’t be there to LOOK at you, but to TALK with you. A place to eat and chat with good conversationalists? Sign me up.

And while this piece gets SO MUCH WORSE, I couldn’t let this relatively innocuous opener go unchecked. Some women ARE blonde and DO have big boobs, and it’s fine if the general Hooters aesthetic isn’t to your liking, but let’s just acknowledge that literally, the FIRST point was shaming women for not looking how you want them to look. But more importantly: WAITRESSES AREN’T THERE TO TALK TO YOU! They may pass a few pleasantries, but they are there to make tips, which means serving as many people as quickly as possible. You wanna have a conversation over dinner? BRING A FUCKING FRIEND. “Date” — heard of it?

But that talking thing? That’s really important to him (emphasis all me, y’all):

So it would be a place to have conversations and debates with smart/pretty women while eating food. There could be “debate nights” where wings are free or something. There could be activities rooms where people play pool or video games. I think I’m thinking of a geisha place. I want to interact with lots of people all the time and get new perspectives, and to me, a good meal is a great time to do that.

So, the waitresses still have to be pretty, as long as they’re also smart, which… I guess we should applaud that brains narrowly came before looks in that description? And as for “debate nights”… who’s gonna debate, the waitresses? Do YOU want to debate them? Or would the patrons debate each other? Because like, I’m argumentative and I LIKE arguing, and even I’ll be the first one to tell you that debates aren’t actually all that fun for most people. They require preparation and clarity of thought (not something that goes hand-in-hand with drink sales), but they are also competitive in a way that can actively make people feel dumb. The people who like debates are the people who are used to WINNING debates. They want to show off intellectually without really listening. Everyone else would rather keep drinking and maybe do some trivia — OR TALK TO EACH OTHER LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE.

If you want to “interact with lots of people all the time” — talk to the other customers. Or bring friends.

And look, I realize that the history of geishas is long and complex. It’s a role that requires skill and training. They are entertainers, not “prostitutes” (though that’s fairly common Western misconception). Point is, I’m not entirely sure what you are specifically thinking about in terms of Hooters being more like “a geisha place,” but I feel compelled to point out that if you’re looking to be entertained by a pro, you’re probably going to need to pay a lot more than $10 for a basket of wings or whatever. Oh wait, that’s no good because…

Oh, and somehow Hooters would need to be SUPER CHEAP since us millennials are BROKE. I think of current Hooters as some exotic, unique luxury experience, like going to a magician restaurant. But then again I think of Applebee’s as a fancy, high-class restaurant, too.


Finally, let’s talk about this shit right here:

It would also be important to have some specialized setup for the guys who just want to therapeutically vent their woes to women. Not my thing, but I imagine it’s not the thing of most waitresses who have to deal with this, either. Like specialized “problem listener” hostesses. This way these guys don’t just dump their problems onto each and every woman they encounter. I’m trying to think of the mental health of the waitresses here and make their lives less miserable.

So lemme get this straight: In order for Hooters to get your business, they would need to hire waitresses who can function simultaneously as debate champions, girlfriends, geishas, and THERAPISTS? Because that’s what you call a person who is paid to listen to you bitch. It’s a THERAPIST. And no, I don’t think it helps if only some of the waitresses are there to listen to people complain, because it’s still fundamentally misunderstanding the role of waitstaff in an eating establishment! And don’t give me this “I’m trying to think of the mental health of the waitresses” bullshit, either. Foisting whining customers onto a handful of hostesses certainly isn’t helping the mental health of those select few, is it? How about instead of worrying about the staff’s mental health, you just encourage the customers to look after their own… by going to TALK TO A THERAPIST?

Honestly, I’m like 50% certain this was all just an insincere performance piece bent to prove why “snowflakes” are ruining everything. And in the interest of full disclosure, I should probably mention that I’ve never even been to Hooters (and also that, though I have boobs myself, I am not particularly fond of them conceptually or practically). But: Is it any less sexist to prefer being served by a woman who has to pretend to be your girlfriend while satisfying your need for companionship, as opposed to one who simply has larger-than-average breasts?

Tori Preston is the managing editor of Pajiba. She tweets here. You can also listen to her weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.

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