Oh Boy, Now We Get To Make Jokes About Han Solo's Real Name!

By Victoria McNally | Star Wars | March 24, 2017 |

By Victoria McNally | Star Wars | March 24, 2017 |

At long last, one of the biggest mysteries of Star Wars will be revealed — and it’s such a big secret that none of us even knew about it. From The Independent:

Speaking at the University of Southern California, Iger briefly discussed the upcoming Han Solo prequel, which sees Hail, Caesar!’s Alden Ehrenreich step into the role, directed by 21 Jump Street’s Phil Lord and Chris Miller.

Iger revealed that the film, “picks up with Han Solo when he was 18 years old and takes him through when he was 24. There are a few significant things that happen in Han Solo’s life, like acquiring a certain vehicle and meeting a certain Wookiee that will happen in this film. But you will also discover how he got his name.”

Sorry, what now? I mean, sure, he’s a smuggler or whatever so a fake name isn’t completely outside of the realm of possibility for a character like that, but… did anyone know this was a thing? Are you sure you didn’t mean that we’re going to learn the title of the Han Solo movie, finally?

Anyway, obviously Lord and Miller are setting us up for some kind of funny Tangled-style “Lol your name is actually Eugene because you’re really a nerd” reveal. But who says we can’t have fun with the idea before they do? Just in case they haven’t finalized the script just yet, here are some name ideas they can use free of charge:

Foot Solo, and/or Han Multiple

Just gettin’ the obvious jokes that everyone on your Twitter feed is going to make out of the way.

James Howlett

It worked for Marvel.

Sheev

Obviously he had to change it when Palpatine took control of the empire. You know how nobody names their kids Adolf anymore? Same principle.

Joe Chill

He’s on the run because of what he did to Batman’s parents.

Chewbacca.

One of them had to start going by something else.

Burk Sharpless

Dustin suggested this note in the Pajiba Slack and I thought he was doing a Mystery Science Theater riff. It is, in fact, not only the name of a real person who is alive and exists, but just look at his IMDB page. I am aghast. Anyway, speaking of…

Crunch Buttsteak

I will also accept Buff Hardback, Fist Rockbone, Stump Beefknob, or Gristle McThornbody.

Han Skywalker

Oh, so that’s why Han looked so upset when Leia said Luke was her brother! Also probably why Kylo Ren turned out all wrong and weird. (For real, though, who wants to start this fan theory with me to make fun of all the Rey’s Parents truthers?)

Reginald Kenneth Dwight

He is, after all, a Rocket Man.