Riverdale Report: A Hard Candy Christmas
It’ll be weeks until a new episode of Riverdale blesses us with new twisted turns and scandalous reveals. So to help tide you over, here’s a second dose of our Riverdale Report. “Chapter Twenty-Two: Silent Night, Deadly Night” offered tons of drama. But also, the whole violent, volatile, steamy mid-season finale was rich with holiday flare. Let us revel in what Christmas looks like in Riverdale.
When not masterminding mutiny or maimings, the Southside Serpents are wrapping presents for Toys for Tots! This strip club has never looked so festive!
Behold the restraint of Riverdale! Hot Archie is actually wearing a shirt as he chops Christmas Tree wood.
Props to F.P. for taking time out of gang-managing and drug-running to decorate his trailer and get gifts for his Jughead, Jellybean, and his estranged wife I keep forgetting exists. Also please note the FRAGILE lamp in the background.
It’s not sugarplums that dance in Betty Cooper’s dreams. Instead, she’s got a Black Hood playing Santa, and coming at right at her!
I would very much like a deleted scene where Kevin has to convince Cheryl Blossom to join his Secret Santa group. I would also accept one of her receiving her gift with all the enthusiasm we see here.
Of course, Cheryl’s tree matches her lipstick.
You know how your grandma gets a little loose-lipped when the eggnog hits her? Same with Nana Rose Blossom: “You should have drowned them at birth, like a basket of kittens.”
Cheryl saw mommy making out furiously with Santa Claus.
It’s so shocking, even her lipstick went pale!
(If you’re thinking this post was an excuse to just geek out over the Blossoms, you’re right. And you’re welcome.)