To the Parents Of My Kid's Friends, I Present A FAQ About Our Household
My daughter is having her first sleepover at our house tonight with two of her friends. At the same time, we will be hosting an adult game night that consists of Joking Hazard, Cards Against Humanity, and Atmosfear. There will be social drinking among the adults and we decided it was prudent to share this detail with the parents of our kid’s pals.
The first parent was a little confused until he realized we meant social drinking and not a kegger. The second parent hasn’t called yet, so a friend of mine, April, brought up the idea of an FAQ page to make the interactions less awkward. It’s a great idea, but we are pretty weird and awkward so I’m not sure if it will help so much as confuse and terrify. Either way, here we go.
Why aren’t there any photos of your family on the walls?
This is a great question. Let’s stand beside my framed and signed Deadpool variant cover while we discuss. First of all, I know what everyone in my family looks like. Second of all, I don’t need their judgment staring down at me from my walls in my house. Let’s stand by my Bruce Timm-autographed Poison Ivy sketch while I answer your next question.
Are you a religious family?
Technically we are Catholic. I converted in order to marry my husband, but then we got hitched in Vegas and I don’t think our marriage is even recognized by the Church. I feel guilty a lot though, so I think Catholic is definitely my answer to this question.
Also, you can refer to me as High Priestess Jodi if you want, because I am ordained by the Universal Life Church. You know anyone that needs a cult leader or maybe a marriage ceremony performed?
What will the kids be doing while at your house?
Staying the hell outta my face, I hope. Ha! But I’ll check on them to tell them to keep it down, turn down that damn music, ask if they are hungry, and possibly attempt to scare the piss out of them by making them watch the rest of us play Atmosfear.
Basically, it’s not going to get all Weird Science up in here, because our internet is fairly slow and our electrodes don’t have USB attachments.
What are the rules at your house?
This is a great question. The rules are: Don’t be a dumbass.
I will hold your child to the same standards that I hold my own to on a daily basis. I expect them to know that you always bet on black, that there will be no getting crazy with the Cheez Whiz, that you never hit on 17, don’t start none, won’t be none, and that Batman is the greatest detective in the world.
I see you have wine and other alcohol in your home. How will you ensure the kids don’t get into it?
Have you ever seen Kill Bill, specifically the scene where O-Ren Ishii decapitates a crime lord that insults her?
I hope that this list of FAQ will help answer any and all questions for the parents of children that are lucky enough to befriend my awesome child. If you have any further questions not answered here, feel free to call my cell so I can not answer because I don’t recognize the phone number.
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