Every year, we gather ‘round this here website to discuss the brainiest AND lust-worthiest humans to grace us with their very existence. The Overlords offer gentle suggestions for your consideration, and then you vote, and then we all celebrate the winners while understanding that really — WE’RE the winners for getting to bask in this bounty of famous people who make us feel all tingly in our heads (and pants).
But this year, as the behind-the-scenes preparations for this glorious event commenced (i.e. when the Overlords called dibs on who we’re gonna nominate), Dustin dropped this bomb in the Slack channel:
Wait, CARTOONS ARE AN OPTION? WTF have I been doing?! Friends, I don’t think I need to tell you just how personal that one felt. It was like a gauntlet thrown in my fucking face. Like a dare. A challenge. And do you know what?
I answered that fucking challenge. And I wasn’t alone.
Here then is a separate Pajiba 10-adjacent listing of the swooniest, swaggiest cartoon characters, as chosen by your Overlords — except TK, who is very heavily judging our interest in this entire endeavor (don’t mind him — it’s his loss). Unfortunately, we’re not putting this list to a public vote, but I trust that you’ll agree with our choices, or at least our interest in celebrating the relative attractiveness of animated characters. Which, frankly, is all I’m ever interested in.
Let’s get weird, shall we?
1) Pickle Rick
BOOM! BIG REVEAL! Just remember, Dustin, this is all happening because you brought up this sexy, disgusting, rat-covered imaginary cartoon dildo-looking motherfucker to begin with. What I’m saying is: thank you.
2) Scrooge McDuck
My love for Disney’s DuckTales reboot has been exhaustively documented at this point — and so has my weird attraction to the cast. But the specialest of my special soft spots is reserved for one duck in particular, and that’s Scrooge. Is it any wonder? He’s rich AF, he’s top hat-and-spats classy, he’s an adrenaline junkie, and he’s voiced by David Tennant. He’s tougher than the toughies AND smarter than the smarties! Oh, and he doesn’t wear pants (well, none of them do — AND I AIN’T COMPLAINING). — Tori Preston
3) Foxin Hood (you know the one)
Cartoon Robin Hood is a stone cold fox (yes, that was not punintentional (i.e. making a pun inadvertently. I did this on purpose. I’ll own this pun)). Thirty-something, married dudes? Foxin Hood (thank you, Tori) is the reason your partner thinks you’re bullshit. Also, compared to Foxin Hood, you’re bullshit.
That’s a hot dude. Fox. Fox-dude. He’s hot is my point.
And he’s not just physically hot. He’s socially conscious, he’s funny, he can sing, he was an original resistance member for fuck’s sake. There’s also the little matter of his relationship with a certain Maid Marian. Which is to say, sploosh.
You have any idea how many white women have tried recreating this exact moment in their wedding photos?
You know what this is?
No, that’s not just two cartoon foxes eye fucking in a totally convincing manner. That’s a generation of boys and girls reaching sexual awakening. All of which culminated in:
Goddammit, Foxin Hood, way to set unreachable goals for every romantic partner I’ll ever have.
I can’t even be mad at you though. You hot, son of a bitch. — Emily Chambers
4) Brock Samson
15 years ago The Venture Bros burst onto TV, bringing with it one of the finest specimens of man ever committed to celluloid, Brock Samson. The only man who can rock a mullet, a badass who eschews guns, and one who can destroy a room full of henchmen without even using his hands, while being a protective and caring guardian for two naive and death-prone teenagers. He is everything you could want in a cartoon man, and more. — Genevieve Burgess
It is Orientalist against my own people to think that Aladdin was actually hot as hell? So charismatic! So good at outrunning palace guards! Generous with stolen bread, and friend to the downtrodden (yes, that was a Carpet pun) and the disenfranchised (Genie, of course)!
Sure, he was voiced by Steve from Full House, and that wasn’t particularly ideal — but it’s also not a deal-breaker. He had that street-rat charm, and I was down. — Roxana Hadadi
Truths universally acknowledged: The Emperor’s New Groove is the best Disney film, and Kronk is hot. There, I said it. This guy might not be the sharpest tool in the box, but he’s ripped. Look at those burly man-shoulders!
Here’s a man who knows the importance of good food, and is more than happy to cook it and bring it to you. Don’t try to skip dessert; he’s worked and slaved to make something yummy for you. He’d definitely be able to enjoy a friendly pie vs cake debate.
OK, he’s working with the Disney villain for much of the movie, but he’s not a bad guy; look, he can speak to cute woodland creatures!
You know who does that? Disney princesses. Kronk is basically a Boy Scout who got into some bad company.
Likes: rollercoasters, skipping, dancing, doing his own theme tune
Dislikes: moral dilemmas, vague instructions
(And if Disney ever figure out a way to do a ‘live-action’ re-make of this, they need to hire Dwayne Johnson to play Kronk. It is known.) — Hannah Sole
7) Cheryl Tunt
Cheryl likes it weird. I like it weird. — Seth Freilich
8) Lana Kane
Our dearest Lainey feels very strongly that Lana deserves her own spot on the list, deservedly so. She’s strong, she’s hot as hell, she gets shit done in an endless array of sweater dresses (which isn’t as easy as it looks), she’s the most capable one in the room, and she has the patience of a fucking saint. LANAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
9) The rest of the cast of Archer
Let’s face it: Everyone in this show can GET. IT. Cyril? Hung. Pam? Sploosh. Krieger? Made for a hot-ass parrot on the Danger Island season (I… may have a thing for cartoon birds…).
And Archer himself is the steely-eyed drunken sexpot that even makes turtlenecks look good.
But he was probably never more attractive than when he got amnesia and thought he was Bob from Bob’s Burgers. That’s right: SEXY CARTOON CROSSOVER ACTION (WITH BURGERS BECAUSE I ALSO GET TINGLY IN MY STOMACH)! — Tori Preston
10) Trent Lane
I would hazard a guess that every woman who was ever an adolescent from that generation between the peak of Nirvana and the break-up of The Spice Girls had a crush on Trent from Daria. He’s in a band! He has tattoos! He doesn’t care what the world thinks of him! He’s a supportive big brother who is super cute and not a dick about the fact that her best friend totally has a crush on him! Daria’s crush on the lead singer of Mystik Spiral, the band behind hits like Ow, My Face!, was one of the great humanizing aspects of her character. Even the stubborn proto-nihilist of Lawndale High was still a teenage girl in some aspects. His allure was undeniable, but he’s somehow made all the cuter by the fact that the show is super candid about what a disastrous boyfriend he would be in real life. The slacker rockstar with the broken down car is a great fantasy but it’s just that, and making that a long-term commitment is just asking for trouble. Still, we can but dream. — Kayleigh Donaldson
Runner Up: One Punch Man
In a city full of absurd heroes, only one man can stop a meteor with a single punch: One Punch Man. Hell, he can stop ANYTHING with a single punch. That’s literally his whole deal — but that’s not what makes him so attractive. What I find hot is the fact that he’s just a regular guy in an ill-fitting suit who has trained his ass off to become the strongest… and realized that being the strongest means nothing poses much of a challenge anymore. His ennui is DELICIOUS. — Tori Preston
This list could go on forever — after all, we haven’t even touched that green Captain Planet mullet, or Aeon Flux, or those bouncy Gummi Bears yet. So what characters do you think we missed? What cartoons just do it for you? Here’s a little something to get you in the mood…