Pajiba 10 For Your Consideration: Keanu Reeves
You guys might not know this, but the way we pick who gets to write these ‘Pajiba 10: For Your Consideration’ posts is quite fascinating.
And by ‘fascinating’ I mean ‘fu*king feral.’
What happens is Dustin will choose some arbitrary moment in the lead-up to the Pajiba 10 to grandly and with great pomp announce in the Pajiba Slack chat that:
‘Oh, uh, and Pajiba 10 is, like, next week, or something. So. Time to start calling dibs on your For Your Appreciation posts, I guess.’
A record playing Vivaldi scratches off, a gong sounds, Motörhead’s ‘Ace of Spades’ comes on.
And then all hell breaks loose.
Yep. At Dustin’s command, hell is unleashed, and my colleagues go absolutely bananas, rattling off beloved names and lewd, colourful mini-blurbs like filthy auctioneers, the sheer thirst of it all making the air thicker than that of Pripyat in ‘86.
What makes this pretty shite for me is that the feeding frenzy is usually announced at some point during the afternoon—in American time. And while that’s great and makes sense for the Yank Contingent that makes up the vast majority of this shady writers’ cabal, my most active hours on that chat are in the mornings and early afternoons. GMT! I check the Slack channel later on, obviously, but only intermittently. I’m usually pretty busy in the afternoons and evening. With important communist stuff, obviously. So so many times I miss out on some Big Group Fun that happens on there, and I pick up on it hours later and sometimes chime in with like the worst pseudo-l’esprit de l’escalier ever, or—even worse—I don’t even see that shit until the next morning.
Me opening Slack to be greeted with ‘150+ unread messages’:
It’s been that way with Pajiba 10 a number of years.
But not this time.
This time I was there. In the evening, idly checking Slack while washing down some leftover quesadilla with a cold Czech beer, when suddenly…
Oh, uh, and Pajiba 10 is, like, next week, or something…
I’d arrived like three dibs after the first, quickly read who had already been claimed, and then immediately began furiously scanning the desolate wasteland of my evening brain for a name, any name, when it hit me like the Metal Gear Solid alarmed guard sound.
No-one’s said ‘Keanu’ yet.
Unless this has been pre-claimed I’m just gonna go ahead and jump on it: Keanu.
To which, Roxana, understandably:
And that’s how we find ourselves here, at the least necessary For Your Consideration post ever. You knew it was coming. You don’t need any reminding of this man. As you’ve no doubt noticed, it’s currently Keanu’s internet, we’re all just living in it. Everybody and their grandma has had a take on the Reeves love-in we’re in the midst of. Sh*t, even I did a brief one. I could probably just do literally nothing for this post other than saying his name and that’d be enough. Or I could just leave this ganglion-popping image from the sexiest movie ever right here and leave it at that:
But that’s not the way the game is played. So let’s settle in, crack open a cold one, and have ourselves a quick reminder of why Keanu Reeves deserves your vote for a place in the Most Important awards…thing…of the year.
The narrative seems to be that Keanu is experiencing a ‘late’ appreciation boom. That we have all been sleeping on him and are only now waking up. And it’s true that the public and industry’s Keanu love has been reaching a bit of a fever pitch in recent months, with glowing profiles being written in major publications, subreddits like r/KeanuBeingAwesome exploding in popularity, and major franchises like Toy Story making use of his persona in relatively subtle ways while more indie fare like Always Be My Maybe play off on it in more overt style. It’s taken a few years of slow accumulation on the internet, but the meme-ing of Keanu has now spilled over into the real world.
I would argue however that despite the occasional ribbing over his ‘flat’ acting style or misplaced accent over the years we have always been in love with Keanu. He has anchored some of the most successful franchises ever. He has never been implicated in any scandal. He’s known to work extremely hard to prepare for his roles. And stories of his human decency and kindness have circulated around Hollywood for decades. So I think we’ve always felt great affection; with even the intermittent ribbing happening in a warm, caring way, as you might do with a close friend. The affection just happens to be resonating particularly loudly right now. That’s partly due to a run of great recent roles, but it’s also in great part thanks to that decency of his. We are living in fraught times. The sheer cruelty of our systems, kept subtly hidden from sight for many of us privileged enough to be able to ignore it for a long time, has bubbled to the top, and is no longer impossible to mask. Many of our heroes have been revealed to be as cruel as the systems. So we are hungry for goodness. Just fu*king desperate for it, frantically combing over this torched celebrity landscape looking for any scraps of it.
And we’re suddenly seeing things crystal clear. It’s been right under our very noses this whole time. We’ve always known, but now we know. And we want to elevate it.
Friends, the Pajiba 10 ethos is simple. It’s about celebrating a sublime mix of hotness, and inner hotness. The algorithm is designed to pick out those celebrities who simultaneously moisten your lions and warm your soul. And on that note,
King of respectful touching. https://t.co/8Dla9JsDRW— Courtney Enlow (@courtenlow) June 9, 2019
Also, motherfu*ker slaps bass like god intended—with no plectrum! There’s no sadder sight than seeing a band you love play and realising that their pylon plucker uses a pick like some sort of savage. Not so Keanu. Get on that sweet skin-on-pylon action, you filthy hobo sex god, you.
(Okay sometimes he does use a pick. But he’s Keanu. We can allow it.)
It absolutely boggles the mind that not once has this man been voted into the Pajiba 10. Be the change you want to see.
Image sources (in order of posting): Getty Images, The Samuel Goldwyn Company