By jM | PaEHba Day | November 18, 2009 |
By jM | PaEHba Day | November 18, 2009 |
00:00:00 - New Moon is upon us. So this is the last let out, folks. A final opportunity to rid yourselves of the stores of acid vitriol you’ve reserved for Twilight so that you can work up brand new ones for the sequel. Those of you who have seen this before will know all too well of the foolery I’m referring to. For those of you who haven’t seen it, that’s what my bootleg copy and me are here for. Just sit back, grab a beer or sniff a highlighter if you’re at work, and watch a grown woman break her brain in real-time.
00:00:25 - “I’ve never given much thought to how I would die,” says Isabella Swan’s (Kristen Stewart) voiceover as we watch a doe peacefully drinking water in the woods. I’m sure there are plenty of Pajibans that could offer her some creative suggestions. I humbly submit: Drowning by being pitched into the Pacific with an Edward Cullen anchor.
00:00:33 - “But dying in the place of someone I love seems like a good way to go.” While this might give someone who has managed to avoid any information about this crap some sort of hope that Whiny Wombat here eats it in the end, the rest of us poor souls know that Meyer’s Saga of Staring will continue for at least one more movie and Bella is sure to appear in it. Suspense? Who needs it!
00:00:50 - The doe is startled and starts racing through the woods. Poor thing probably caught a whiff of R. Pattz. An unidentified person is chasing it. They’re too fast to be an average man or woman, unless she’s got some secret ballz up in there.
00:01:40 - Bella has decided to trade in sunny Arizona for emo-vamp filled Washington to live with her dad Charlie (Billy Burke), while Mumsy and her new husband go road trippin’.
00:02:33 - Pops is Chief of Police in the small town of Forks, Washington. They’re somewhat estranged. He’s awkward. She’s awkward. And it doesn’t help that he’s definitely wearing Peter Gallagher’s eyebrows as a mustache.
00:04:20 - OMGEEZY, IT’S JACOB!!! TEAM JACOB 4EVARZ!!! I WANT TO HAVE YOUR PUPPIES!!!
Ahem. Jacob (Taylor Lautner) is wearing a terrible long wig. That, or doggy’s got the mange. He and his father have swung by to greet BoBella and to drop off the old truck her dad bought off of them. It’s unique, just like they want us to believe she is!
00:05:53 - Bella has to brave her first day of new school alone since Jacob gets schooled on the reservation in things like how to rollover, fetch, and cry one single tear at a time. So she’s left on her own to fidget her way through finding classes and making friends with people whose names don’t really matter. She refers to herself as the “suffer-in-silence type”. I throw a spoon at the screen.
00:08:35 - At lunch, everyone is very intrigued with Bella because she’s the new girl and because the script tells them to be.
00:08:55 - In walks the Cullen Clan (in the middle of only a mildly cloudy day). Jessica (Anna Kendrick of Rocket Science) explains that they are the foster kids of Dr. and Mrs. Cullen. They moved down from Alaska a few years ago, are pasty, and keep to themselves in a mildly incestuous way since they’re paired off in couples. There’s Rosalie (Nikki Reed, Thirteen), Emmet, Alice, and Ol’ Crazy Eyes Jasper. Then…
00:09:45 - OH MY GODDDD! IT’Z EDWARD CULLEN!!! TEAM EDWARD!!! I WANNA DO YOUR BOOK REPORT!!!
00:09:57 - Jessica explains that while Edward is like totally hot (not seeing it) and can have any girl he wants, none of the ladies of Forks High have made the cut. Well duh! He’s obviously waiting for someone unique and fidgety.
00:10:07 - Bella and Edward look at each from opposite ends of the cafeteria and this is where the movie officially becomes just a series of awkward meaningful stares.
00:10:30 - She walks into biology class and as she passes a fan, it blows her scent past Edward. He looks like he’s either going to puke or spray his liquid glitter all over himself (I bet the inside of his jeans look like a disco ball). The teacher seats her next to him. He’s covering his nose, refusing to speak, and avoiding physical contact while creepily leering at her. It’s love at first sight!
00:11:45 - He continues to eye-molest her until the bell rings. Seriously, if just staring at someone could ever be grounds for a lawsuit, I think this makes the cut. After the bell rings, he runs to the school’s office and Bella walks in as he’s pleading to switch classes. Burn. Always shower after gym class, girls.
00:13:40 - The next day, Bella plans to find out why he’s treating her like she’s got coochie cooties, but he doesn’t show up … for a week.
00:14:49 - Elsewhere, a security guard is being chased through a mill until he’s taken down by some unidentified vampires.
00:15:47 - Cop Dad explains that he has to go investigate the scene and that it’s probably an animal attack. Dude, it’s never an animal attack. He calls her Bells. Considering how lifeless she is, he should’ve gone with Bell’s palsy. Way to drop the ball, Pops.
00:16:55 - Edward is finally back in class. I guess he’s done healing up from the headbadger attack responsible for his hairstyle. It’s one part There’s Something About Mary jizz bangs and two parts Dragonball’s Goku.
00:17:45 - They awkwardly stare and fidget their way through boring conversation in class and on the way to her locker. He asks why she decided to move Washington. She asks why he had cold black shark eyes last week but now they’re in Technicolor. He mutters an excuse about the fluorescents and runs off. I ask how the hell the janitor’s not sweeping up an Edward-shaped dust pile considering all the sunlight I’m seeing. Yes, it’s raining. But it still appears to be reasonably bright outside. He’s in a short-sleeved shirt sitting next to large windows with plenty of light pouring in on him. DAYLIGHT. Yet, I don’t even see a shimmer. Apparently, clouds are like floating rape-van windows.
00:20:56 - BoBella walks to her truck where she espies Edward and the rest of the Tu Fang Clan watching her from the opposite side of the parking lot. That is, until her friend’s van loses control and goes careening toward Little Miss Danger Magnet!
00:21:15 - In a flash, Edward grabs Bella and, with a single hand, stops the van from decorating the parking lot in sullen teen parts and crushes the spirit of millions of Twihaters worldwide. Brightside: It’s the first remotely interesting thing to happen so far. Then, while they’re wedged between her truck and the van…
Edward: [stares intensely at Bella]
Bella: [stares breathlessly at Edward]
jM: [stares longingly at watch]
Edward: [flees scene of an accident]
Do you feel that romantic tension? They’re like, sooo totally gonna hold hands.
00:22:21 - Even though Bella’s fine, she’s been brought to the ER. Here we meet Dr. Carlisle Cullen (Peter Facinelli). No one seems phased by the fact that he looks like an anemic Ken doll dipped in Whiteout. BoBella catches him and Rosalie chastising Edward for saving her. She pulls Edward aside and tells him that she knows he Usain Bolt-ed his way over to her and pushed the car out of the way. He treats her like a brain damaged idiot and says that no one will believe her. Swoon.
00:25:02 - Back at home, she wakes up in the middle of the night to see Edward STANDING IN THE CORNER OF THE OF THE ROOM watching her sleep. Her voiceover says, “That’s the first time I dreamt of Edward Cullen.” Uh Bitch, I don’t think was a dream. I’d check the carpet in that corner if I were you. It probably looks like a first grade craft project; Elmer’s everywhere.
00:26:16 - The next day, the Saga of Staring continues. Guy Friend asks BoBella to prom, but since he’s sweet and has been nothing but nice to her, she shuts him down. On the trip, she and Edward turn the whining up to 11. She wants to talk about the accident. He wants her to let it go. She’s all, “you should’ve let me die then, Meany!”. He’s all, “I don’t regret saving you.” And I’m all, “How much bleach am I supposed to drink? I want get this right the first time.”
00:30:26 - In the cafeteria the next day, Bella knocks over an apple and Edward kicks it up like a Hacky Sack and catches it with his vampire reflexes. There really is a thin line between dirty vampires and dirty hippies. He keeps saying that he doesn’t think they should be friends. But the stalking and leering weaken his argument. She wants to get closer and see if there’s more to him than just jizz pomade and an uncanny ability to go long periods without blinking. So she invites him to the beach with her friends.
00:33:19 - Edward doesn’t show up at the beach but Jacob (I’ve got a bone for you) and his friends do. BoBella takes him for a walk and he explains that, since the beach is on the reservation, the Cullens don’t step foot on it. His tribe, the Quileute, are descended from wolves (it gets lonely in those teepees) and back in the day, they found the Cullens hunting on their land in Newsies costumes. Not fond of tweed, they promised not to tell the other bitchass pilgrims what the Cullens “really are” so long as they never hunt, sing, or sell newspapers on their land again.
00:35:11 - Out by an old dock, a Waylon (a friend of Bella’s dad) is getting ready to take his boat out for a drunken spin. That is, until it starts to sound like someone fed his gremlins after midnight. [Quick cuts! Whooshing sounds! Danger!] He gets the motor running, but a redheaded girl yanks the boat back to the dock in one effortless pull (secret ballz). [Whoosh!] An inexplicably shirtless and beponytailed dude pops up and wants soon-to-be-dead guy’s jacket. [Whoosh!] A guy with dreads tells My Little Ponytail to stop playing with dinner.
00:37:06 - It’s finally not raining for once. So, of course, the Tu Fang Clan are M.I.A. Jessica explains that whenever the weather’s nice the Cullens get pulled out of school by Carlisle to go hiking, or camping, or coffin napping. This fazes no one, apparently.
00:38:36 - Bella’s friends are in Prom mode and trying on dresses. Since you can’t properly sulk in pastels, she dips out go buy a book about the Quileute legends. On her way back to meet her friends, she gets accosted by a group of fratholes that want to do way more than hold her hand. She knees one in his balls when Edward Tokyo Drift’s his car at them. He steps out, eye-fights them, and growls? Wheezes? Asthma attacks them? Whatever it was, it sends them running. In the car he hints that he could hear what they were thinking. He’s really pissed. I think they were saying bad things about his hair.
00:41:41 - He takes her to dinner and let’s her know that he’s basically been stalking her for a while now. He’s just not strong enough to fight his need to be around one of the most worthless characters committed to film. Now that’s a curse. Seriously, he can read minds (just not hers, probably because it’s just a collection of physical mannerisms and the Dawson’s Creek soundtrack), he won’t eat anything, he’s cold to the touch, and he has super speed and strength. But, this slag has yet to put the von, two, three, four simple pieces together to complete the this lame vampire puzzle.
00:45:12 - On the way home, they pass Cop Dad’s station. Dr. Cullen is there and tells them about the Waylon (dead boat guy). He says it was an animal attack. It’s never a fucking animal attack. Cop Dad and his mustache are very concerned so he gives Bella some pepper spray.
00:47:27 - Oh, fuck off. She gets the term “The Cold Ones” out of the book and goes a-Googling. We get a montage of scary words like “undead”, “speed”, “strength”, “cold-skinned,” and “blood”. And NOW she finally catches on.
00:49:34 - In the morning, instead of going class, BoBella leads Edward into the woods to lay out the evidence against him. The camera starts spinning like crazy to capture the stupidity from every angle. He tells her to say it loud, say it proud. She answers with, “Vampire.”, instead of gel-spackled beanpole.
00:51:37 - He wants her to see what he really is, so he throws her on his back and they zip line up the mountain out of the cloud cover. We all know what’s going to happen. He unbuttons his shirt, walks into the sunlight, and turns into a giant bitch-shaped Swarovski crystal. It’s every bit as dumb as you expect it to be and completely pointless. So your biggest problem is that you’ll look like you fell into a box of Bedazzlers? That’s like saying that kryptonite only makes Superman’s pee green. Keep fucking that chicken, Ms. Meyers.
00:52:32 - Bella’s in awe because hey, shiny stuff! Edward tries to tell her that it’s “the skin of a killer … I’m the world’s most dangerous predator.” He’s designed to draw people in, even his cold quasi-albino skin, whiny voice, and crypt musk.
00:53:11 - He whooshes around through the trees saying how burdened he is by how much he wants to rip her throat out. I feel you, homey. She trusts him anyway because, what the hell else is she going to do? She doesn’t have a single thought or motivation that isn’t about him. The only thing she’s afraid of is losing him. I’m afraid of losing my bagel and cream cheese all over my laptop.
00:55:46 - They mutter some shit about lions and lambs, lay down in the grass, and stare the hell out of each other.
00:58:20 - At school the next day, everyone loses their shit now that the Staremasters are together. By together, I mean walking in close proximity to one another.
00:59:12 - We get a brief Edward Cullen history lesson. Carlisle turned Edward and his wife, Esme, in 1918 because they had Spanish influenza. He keeps reiterating that even though he and his family are like vegetarians, she’s like, the tastiest bacon double he’s ever seen.
01:00:42 - He can read minds and Alice can see the future. They run into other vampires now and then. That’s what the not-at-all animal attacks were about.
01:01:28 - He comes to her house to ask her to meet his family. Then he bolts when Jacob and his dad show up.
01:03:47 - The Tu Fang Clan live in a huge modern house in the woods. Edward says it’s the one place that they don’t have to hide and can just let their Soul Glo.
01:05:04 - They’re cooking a big meal for Bella, but Edward gets pissy and tells them she already ate, so Rosalie gives her best bitch face, and shatters the bowl she’s holding in her hands. Good thing that wasn’t a bunny. They’re worried about her bringing trouble on them. She’s worried about becoming the main course.
01:06:03 - Alice and Jasper show up and Alice is super friendly, because she knows they’ll be friends in the future. Ol’ Crazy Eyes Jasper is new to not eating people and trying his damnedest not to drool. It’d be a lot easier if she wasn’t wearing that damn hotdog outfit every time he looks her!
01:09:10 - They go up to Edward’s room. He has no bed because he doesn’t sleep and it wouldn’t get any action in this movie, anyway. He tosses her on his back again, calls her a spider monkey, and whooshes through the trees. Then he plays her the piano. I fast forward through it.
01:11:33 - Red, Dreads, and My Little Ponytail are back and they’re planting tracks to throw off the police.
01:12:10 - Bella’s at the diner to meet her dad. The waitress serves Stephanie fucking Meyer her food while she’s typing up her next literary abortion. Choke on that veggie platter, asshat.
01:12:37 - People want to know if Cop Dad has found out anything about Waylon’s murder. He tells them about the footprint. But since it was heading east, another county is taking over the case.
01:14:28 - Bella’s in her room talking to her mom on the phone. Mom wants Bella to describe Edward. Before she can get out the words ‘twinkling stalker’, Edward pops up at the end of her bed. He says he’s been doing that for months. So romantic!
01:15:00 - They’re totally gonna kiss! This makes me SQUEEEEEEEEE! -mish. But of course they have lots of staring and heavy breathing to get through first. When his spirit-stick starts to wake up, he flies to the other side of the room with a bad case of disco balls. So they end up just talking all night.
01:17:50 - BoBella wants to introduce Edward to her dad while he’s drinking beers and cleaning his shotgun. pleaseshoothim!pleaseshoothim!pleaseshoothim!. Letdown. He’s taking her to go out with his family. And this is where we go full retard…
01:19:20 - In case tinsel wrapped immortals aren’t your bag of ridiculosity, I give you VAMPIRE BASEBALL. See, they can only play during thunderstorms because they’re SO STRONG and hit the ball SO FAR and SO LOUDLY, that thunder is the only thing that can disguise the sound of the willful idiocy of what I’m watching. At no point are any of them stuck by lightning, proving that there is no god and chaos does indeed reign.
01:21:16 - Red (Victoria), Dreads (Laurent), and Ponytail (James) come gliding through the fog. The Cullens start shitting their pants and push Bella to the side to keep her from being noticed. Luckily, Laurent and James just want to play some ball and not be burdened with things like shoes and shirts.
01:23:50 - Edward and James are giving each other their best Blue Steel faces when some Shyamalan wind blows past Bella and, well, that’s the dinner bell. Everyone crouches and growls. But, Dreads is able to pull Victoria and James away.
01:25:48 - Edward has to get her out of town because James really likes to break other peoples toys and won’t stop trying to kill her until one of them is dead. They can only kill him by pulling him apart and burning the pieces. She won’t leave without making sure her dad is okay. So they set up a ruse to get Bella out of dodge and keep her dad safe. She and Edward fake a fight so that she can pretend that she’s had it with Forks and that she just has to drive home that night … from Washington to Phoenix … and her mother’s not even there … and she’s a junior in high school … and she can’t even walk for five minutes without being in imminent danger. Uh huh. Somehow, the ruse works. Dad can cry into his mustache safely because James saw the fake fight and has no need for him now.
01:29:14 - Edward and BoBella head back to his place. Dreads has come to warn them about James. He gives them an “I’m getting too old for the shirt” sentiment and tells them that James is an expert tracker with “lethal senses” and Victoria is just as dangerous.
01:29:53 - They split up. Alice and Jasper take Bella to Phoenix. The others try to throw off James by running around the woods and rubbing Bella’s clothes on everything.
01:32:31 - James figures out the trick and snarls. In Phoenix, Alice has a vision of a ballet studio. Bella knows it and it’s nearby. We all know this heading so let’s just go there, shall we?
01:35:49 - BoBella goes to the ballet studio alone because James has tricked her into thinking he has her mom. He’s talking a lot. It’s boring. He starts videotaping her for the YouTube hits and to piss off Edward even more after she’s dead.
01:37:14 - She uses her pepper spray and even I know that won’t work, no matter how neutered these vampires are. He throws her around and she cuts her hand. Then he snaps her leg like a Popsicle stick! WHEEEEE! He has just become my ponytailed hero, second only to Steven Segal.
01:38:04 - Edward sends James flying across the room. He’s alone because he’s faster than the others. Their stunt doubles start wire fighting, breaking mirrors, and whooshing it up while Bella gets stabbed in the thigh by a shard of glass. She is really getting fucked up. This is, by far, my favorite part of this shitty story.
01:38:50 - James bites into Bella’s wrist. His gingivitis gives her the Harlem shakes. [WHOOSH! CRASH! GROWL!] Edward gives him a vampire hickey and takes a chunk out of his throat.
01:39:37 - The Tu Fang Clan finally shows up. Dr. Cullen stops Edward from killing James. Emmet and Jasper restrain My Little Ponytail so someone can deal with the chick bleeding all over the floor. His vampire venom is changing BoBella and the wailing is getting really annoying for everyone.
01:40:15 - They use the broken floorboards to start a fire, Alice snaps Ponytail’s neck, and they tear him apart (off screen mostly) to burn him.
01:41:01 - Back by the writhing ragdoll: Edward can either let her change or suck out the poison. But he knows that once it hits your lips you can’t stop and he doesn’t want to kill her. Carlisle tells him to nut up and get to it.
01:41:54 - Edward sucks her cross-eyed all the way through a sappy-ass montage and into a hospital bed.
01:43:17 - When BoBella wakes up, her mom relays the fake story she was told by Edward. He said that she fell down two flights of stairs and into a window. Uh huh, and Rhianna just walked into that doorknob repeatedly.
01:45:07 - Edward tells her that she should leave Forks with her mom because he’s not safe to be around. She freaks out, of course, and tells him to never say anything like that to someone as insufferably codependent as she is.
01:47:29 - Bella and Edward arrive at the prom. He lets her out of the car, then goes to park. While he’s gone, Jacob shows up and tells her that his dad said to stay away from Edward Cullen and that they’ll be watching them. Get ready to be bored to tears, boys.
01:48:20 - Edward comes back with a rolled up newspaper and yells, “Shoo! Shoo!”. They stare at each other tensely and Jacob leaves with a whimper. Then Edward says, “I leave you alone for two minutes and the wolves descend.” SEE WHAT HE DID THERE?!?! Subtle like a flare gun.
01:50:52 - They slow dance. Bella thinks he should have let her change into a vampire so that they can always be together. Edward thinks it’s probably best to have a clingy girlfriend he can outrun. They kiss. A woman is watching them from afar. It’s Victoria.
That’s it, until this Friday at least. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go bury this bootleg and salt the earth.
jM is a pie-loving panda-enthusiast. You can read the things she never writes over at Windows Down, Volume Up