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Puppet Sex Would Be More Interesting Right Now

By The Pajibettes | PaEHba Day | November 18, 2009 |

By The Pajibettes | PaEHba Day | November 18, 2009 |

Cindy - I’ve never seen this show before - what’s the premise?

Pinky_McLadybits - I figure it’s about teaching guys how to be douchebags.

Cindy - I hope it’s about gay guys trying to do construction.

Pinky_McLadybits - If I don’t see at least one pink shirt and three popped collars, I will be a sad girl.

Melody - These girls bring their idiot boyfriends, who are massive tools, to the Tool Academy to make them into gentlemen. Testosterone fueled stupidity ensues.

Pinky_McLadybits - Oooohhh! I though it was a tool factory, not a tool rehab.

Pinky_McLadybits - The logo looks like the Micro Machines logo.

MelBiv - That’s because they have tiny tools, pinky.

Kolby - Who are these assholes?

jM - He’s been to the Bandana Depot.

Kolby - What the frick is with the bandanas?

jM - The Bandana Depot services all of your bandana needs, Kolby.

Blonde_Savant - I like how the announcer guy yells everything.

Kolby - Wait. Wait. Its says “Tool Academy 2.” This is the second season??

Melody - Last season was far less stupid than this season.

Melody - They earn badges like Boy Scouts.

Pinky_McLadybits - Do they sell Tool Cookies?

Blonde_Savant - They did sell cookies last season.

Cindy - Is that one dude a ninja tool?

lizzie - I really don’t like that guy Charm. First of all, he has none.

Blonde_Savant - Charm = Asshole and standing out as an asshole in this group is saying something.

Cindy - Fork stab!

Cindy - Oh yeah, wrestling time.

lizzie - sexual TENSION.

Cindy - Jello? Pudding? I wanna see nipples.

jM - Please tell me that the guy with the tall hair is called “Dragonball Tool”. Then I can die happy.

Cindy - Is that guy related to the Heat Miser?

lizzie - Why does she find that tool attractive?!

AvB - P.S. the names they give them? Don’t really differentiate them for me.

Pinky_McLadybits - Your Mom and Dad are always home?! HAHA!

MelBiv - Wow … he has respect for her parents? Does he know what show he’s on?

Cindy - They all need more piercings, then things would get better.

Pinky_McLadybits - Dear Godtopus, PLEASE USE CONDOMS.

jM - Stupidity burns through condoms.

Melody - Condoms = good.


MelBiv - The withdrawal method.

Kolby - Trust is very important, kids.

Melody - So are condoms when you still live with mom and dad.

Blonde_Savant - Yes, trust leads to not using condoms.

MelBiv - Is he CRYING?

AvB - Do they call him the Teary Tool?

jM - Yup, the bitch tears are pouring.

AvB - I think all their hair needs a cleansing fire.

MelBiv - if someone lights a match in that room, they’ll all go up in flames.

jM - That would be a towering inferno.

Blonde_Savant - This hair is painful to my soul.

AvB - That guy is such a jackass. Charm.

lizzie - I just want to shave their heads with, like, a ten foot pole.

Kolby - No joke, I’ve watched about 3 minutes of this show so far and I’m suddenly craving KFC.

Melody - Is anyone else getting the slutty workout video commerical?

Pinky_McLadybits - Yes, asses wiggling in my face.

AvB - Stripper workout. Flirtatiously fun!

Pinky_McLadybits - Hoochie Workout!

AvB - I love how they’re all groping their own asses.

Pinky_McLadybits - Lose weight and learn a new trade: Lap dancing!

jM - How many of those girls are gonna end up on the next Tool Academy?

Cindy - Slap your ass!

AvB - Ooh, the pole comes with? A bargain at twice the price!

Kolby - OK, they sold me with the pole.

Melody - Charm School after they fail the newest season of Rock of Love: STDs.

Kolby - Holy shit! His hair! He looks like the Heat Miser!

Blonde_Savant - This guy totally waxes his eyebrows.

jM - Tat Tool makes me hate everything.

AvB - Chia head and skunk girl … they’re like a perfect couple.

Blonde_Savant - Oh, this guy’s interpretation of foreplay is stunning.

MelBiv - He doesn’t talk to her after? Asshat.

Kolby - He has quite the command of the English language. Uh. Uhm. Like. Stuff.

Cindy - Do you guys have face puppets? Do they have pretend sex with their puppets?

Blonde_Savant - If they get uncomfortable, they can hide behind their puppet.

jM - Puppet sex would be more interesting right now.

Cindy - I’m going to make a face puppet and then only talk to my husband as the puppet.

Kolby - Whoa! The shrink’s shoes are SLUTTY.

Blonde_Savant - Oh god, the tattoos, I forgot about the tattoos.

Kolby - Are they drinking Natty Light?

MelBiv - Ahha, Natty Light, classy.

Melody - Tattoo over your penis = KLASSY.

lizzie - What kind of tattoo parlor actually tats people when they’ve been drinking?!

jM - They’re not drunk, they’re tools.

AvB - And now his pants are belted around his ass. HOT.

Pinky_McLadybits - Even the outside of the Tool Academy is tacky. HAHAHA! They have
the short bus!

lizzie - I love the short bus.

Melody - I love the name “Hillbilly Tool”.

jM - His tattoo is crooked.

lizzie - An elite club? Yeah, of TOOLS. This is not a good thing.

AvB - I predict they get eaten by raccoons.

Pinky_McLadybits - I predict a bear will try to eat Tattoo Tool and choke on the hair product.

Melody - I’m rooting for the wildlife.

lizzie - I’m rooting for the campfire to spark into someone’s hair and start a massive forest fire.

AvB - Have these people ever hiked in their lives?

jM - I’m sending my very best headbadger after Tat Tool’s hair.

AvB - He totally needs a headbadger.

lizzie - Which one is stew?

MelBiv - Because he can’t READ.

Pinky_McLadybits - Hillbilly Tool, I think.

jM - “I can’t read directions. I can’t read at all!”

Melody - Stew also has the stupid hat.

lizzie - … And she’s afraid of cows.

MelBiv - I wish that cow had mad cow disease and totally chased them.

MelBiv - Oh god, the muffin top.

AvB - I think she needs tighter shorts, too.

Kolby - Help me out here, there is a Shea and a Shealyn?

Blonde_Savant - Here comes the screaming.

Pinky_McLadybits - Her shorts are too tight and that’s why she can’t breathe.

Cindy - She’s in pain from walking? It’s totally hard to walk and breathe at the same time.

lizzie - It really isn’t that hard to set up a tent.

Kolby - I’d give anything to see a map of where they are and how far they actually had to

Pinky_McLadybits - Well, he’s wearing a Kid Rock hat and you expect him to comfort you?

Melody - Lizzie, there are the words and things to do and it’s SO HARD.

MelBiv - I’ve given up on names for the girls… there’s Skunk Hair, Crazy Facial Piercing
Girl (aka the Whiner), the Cutesy one, and Charm’s Suffering GF.

AvB - She sounds exactly like my 5 year old niece, who just had a hissy tantrum over dinner.

Blonde_Savant - Amanda’s boyfriend maintains an amazing level of calm considering the crazy that’s coming at him.

Pinky_McLadybits - It just amazes me that these people really thought about their hair and how they wanted to look and THAT is what they chose.

Kolby - Do these fools not watch Bear Grylls?

Cindy - This is by far the most ridiculous show I’ve watched.

MelBiv - Damn, Tat Tool is so deep.

Cindy - “You’re not just a piece of ass”

Kolby - I SHOULD be thinking about marrying you, honey. But I’m not.

Pinky_McLadybits - How did I just now see those 8th grade gym socks on Hillbilly?

AvB - That’s some romantic nose picking, there.

Melody - Really, where do they get the bandanas?

AvB - Also, I hate all their stupid head rags from Bandana Depot or Bandanas-R-Us

lizzie - There’s a bandana closet in the man-shun.

Cindy - Please Godtopus, don’t let my kids be dumb when they grow up.

Kolby - Poor dear. He ain’t never gonna change, idiot!

Blonde_Savant - Oh, barefoot and drunk in the woods, smart girl.

lizzie - Did he just tell her she’s worth more than a motel 6?

AvB - Charm is SUCH a JACKASS.

Melody - Charm needs to be kicked in his tiny tool.

Pinky_McLadybits - Gah, Skunkhair makes me sad for her.

Cindy - She never thought they’d make it this far? To a VH1 reality show?

AvB - And he’s crying again.

MelBiv - Dare to dream big, cindy.

Cindy - This chick is a bigger tool than her tool.

Pinky_McLadybits - Maybe she’d be nicer if they had the date in a double-wide.

Blonde_Savant - How does he have no clue how to be a boyfriend?

Cindy - Reality show violence is OK.

Melody - Actually, she’s already got in trouble for knocking the hell out of him earlier this

jM - Aww, they’re at the back of the shortbus.

Blonde_Savant - Amanda has an interesting view of reality.

Pinky_McLadybits - Did Skunkhair’s, um, underhair get lighter?

Kolby - Amanda has a Meth complexion.

MelBiv - Trina confuses me … she’s got a British accent, so she’s obviously classy, but then she dresses about 20 years too young.

Kolby - I think Skunkhair washed her hair. The darkness was grease.

Pinky_McLadybits - Are her eyebrow piercings purposely in a ‘S’ shape for Stew?

Melody - S for stripper?

Blonde_Savant - S for Stupid.

Cindy - If they have kids, she’ll look like Pinhead.

lizzie - Charm thinks his problem was the TENT?!

AvB - Clearly, that’s the root of his problem.

Blonde_Savant - These fools get $100,000?

Pinky_McLadybits - Charm’s bedazzled vest is the tits!

Blonde_Savant - Can you imagine the bandanas they will buy?

jM - They need to bring Tyra in and do some tool makeovers.

lizzie - Which they will promptly blow on tricking out the double wide and on coke.

Kolby - Look how scared they are, like they’re really getting expelled from school.

AvB - But at least they’re super sparkly!

Blonde_Savant - It looks like they decorated them by themselves.

AvB - That is a good word for this whole show, in general: alarming.

Pinky_McLadybits - If Tattool tripped and fell, I bet his hair would get stuck in the wall.

jM - Charm constantly looks like he’s thinking of something that’s about to break his

lizzie - Dammit. I don’t want to be sucked into this hot mess.

Cindy - Decision time.

Kolby - Oh, thank goodness, I couldn’t take the suspense any longer.

Melody - Charm cannot be that good in the sack.

Cindy - Just a tool.

AvB - Oh no he di’int!

MelBiv - Even the host is like, good riddance.

Pinky_McLadybits - You forgot your bedazzled jacket! COME BACK!!!

Kolby - Whoa, that takes balls, tossin’ the threads like that.

Pinky_McLadybits - “No one cares, Charm” HA!

Cindy - I have never been so embarrassed to watch a show in my life!

jM - When two tools fight, is it called Toolboxing?

Pinky_McLadybits - So, she just goes home with him and they continue to date in horrific

Kolby - I hate these people so much.

Cindy - Throwdown!

Kolby - Walk back to the OC, bitch.

AvB - Says Skunk girl, who goes with Chia boy.

Pinky_McLadybits - “Oh, her douche boyfriend is sooo much worse than mine!”

MelBiv - I can’t even think straight, I’m dazzled by Stew’s shiny lapels.

lizzie - DUDE. I’m done.

Blonde_Savant - I might need to watch the next one…

This post is part of Paheeba Day 2009. An explanation of Paheeba Day can be found in the Pajiba Dictionary.

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Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.