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Puppet Sex Would Be More Interesting Right Now

By The Pajibettes | PaEHba Day | November 18, 2009 |

By The Pajibettes | PaEHba Day | November 18, 2009 |

Cindy - I’ve never seen this show before - what’s the premise?

Pinky_McLadybits - I figure it’s about teaching guys how to be douchebags.

Cindy - I hope it’s about gay guys trying to do construction.

Pinky_McLadybits - If I don’t see at least one pink shirt and three popped collars, I will be a sad girl.

Melody - These girls bring their idiot boyfriends, who are massive tools, to the Tool Academy to make them into gentlemen. Testosterone fueled stupidity ensues.

Pinky_McLadybits - Oooohhh! I though it was a tool factory, not a tool rehab.

Pinky_McLadybits - The logo looks like the Micro Machines logo.

MelBiv - That’s because they have tiny tools, pinky.

Kolby - Who are these assholes?

jM - He’s been to the Bandana Depot.

Kolby - What the frick is with the bandanas?

jM - The Bandana Depot services all of your bandana needs, Kolby.

Blonde_Savant - I like how the announcer guy yells everything.

Kolby - Wait. Wait. Its says “Tool Academy 2.” This is the second season??

Melody - Last season was far less stupid than this season.

Melody - They earn badges like Boy Scouts.

Pinky_McLadybits - Do they sell Tool Cookies?

Blonde_Savant - They did sell cookies last season.

Cindy - Is that one dude a ninja tool?

lizzie - I really don’t like that guy Charm. First of all, he has none.

Blonde_Savant - Charm = Asshole and standing out as an asshole in this group is saying something.

Cindy - Fork stab!

Cindy - Oh yeah, wrestling time.

lizzie - sexual TENSION.

Cindy - Jello? Pudding? I wanna see nipples.

jM - Please tell me that the guy with the tall hair is called “Dragonball Tool”. Then I can die happy.

Cindy - Is that guy related to the Heat Miser?

lizzie - Why does she find that tool attractive?!

AvB - P.S. the names they give them? Don’t really differentiate them for me.

Pinky_McLadybits - Your Mom and Dad are always home?! HAHA!

MelBiv - Wow … he has respect for her parents? Does he know what show he’s on?

Cindy - They all need more piercings, then things would get better.

Pinky_McLadybits - Dear Godtopus, PLEASE USE CONDOMS.

jM - Stupidity burns through condoms.

Melody - Condoms = good.


MelBiv - The withdrawal method.

Kolby - Trust is very important, kids.

Melody - So are condoms when you still live with mom and dad.

Blonde_Savant - Yes, trust leads to not using condoms.

MelBiv - Is he CRYING?

AvB - Do they call him the Teary Tool?

jM - Yup, the bitch tears are pouring.

AvB - I think all their hair needs a cleansing fire.

MelBiv - if someone lights a match in that room, they’ll all go up in flames.

jM - That would be a towering inferno.

Blonde_Savant - This hair is painful to my soul.

AvB - That guy is such a jackass. Charm.

lizzie - I just want to shave their heads with, like, a ten foot pole.

Kolby - No joke, I’ve watched about 3 minutes of this show so far and I’m suddenly craving KFC.

Melody - Is anyone else getting the slutty workout video commerical?

Pinky_McLadybits - Yes, asses wiggling in my face.

AvB - Stripper workout. Flirtatiously fun!

Pinky_McLadybits - Hoochie Workout!

AvB - I love how they’re all groping their own asses.

Pinky_McLadybits - Lose weight and learn a new trade: Lap dancing!

jM - How many of those girls are gonna end up on the next Tool Academy?

Cindy - Slap your ass!

AvB - Ooh, the pole comes with? A bargain at twice the price!

Kolby - OK, they sold me with the pole.

Melody - Charm School after they fail the newest season of Rock of Love: STDs.

Kolby - Holy shit! His hair! He looks like the Heat Miser!

Blonde_Savant - This guy totally waxes his eyebrows.

jM - Tat Tool makes me hate everything.

AvB - Chia head and skunk girl … they’re like a perfect couple.

Blonde_Savant - Oh, this guy’s interpretation of foreplay is stunning.

MelBiv - He doesn’t talk to her after? Asshat.

Kolby - He has quite the command of the English language. Uh. Uhm. Like. Stuff.

Cindy - Do you guys have face puppets? Do they have pretend sex with their puppets?

Blonde_Savant - If they get uncomfortable, they can hide behind their puppet.

jM - Puppet sex would be more interesting right now.

Cindy - I’m going to make a face puppet and then only talk to my husband as the puppet.

Kolby - Whoa! The shrink’s shoes are SLUTTY.

Blonde_Savant - Oh god, the tattoos, I forgot about the tattoos.

Kolby - Are they drinking Natty Light?

MelBiv - Ahha, Natty Light, classy.

Melody - Tattoo over your penis = KLASSY.

lizzie - What kind of tattoo parlor actually tats people when they’ve been drinking?!

jM - They’re not drunk, they’re tools.

AvB - And now his pants are belted around his ass. HOT.

Pinky_McLadybits - Even the outside of the Tool Academy is tacky. HAHAHA! They have
the short bus!

lizzie - I love the short bus.

Melody - I love the name “Hillbilly Tool”.

jM - His tattoo is crooked.

lizzie - An elite club? Yeah, of TOOLS. This is not a good thing.

AvB - I predict they get eaten by raccoons.

Pinky_McLadybits - I predict a bear will try to eat Tattoo Tool and choke on the hair product.

Melody - I’m rooting for the wildlife.

lizzie - I’m rooting for the campfire to spark into someone’s hair and start a massive forest fire.

AvB - Have these people ever hiked in their lives?

jM - I’m sending my very best headbadger after Tat Tool’s hair.

AvB - He totally needs a headbadger.

lizzie - Which one is stew?

MelBiv - Because he can’t READ.

Pinky_McLadybits - Hillbilly Tool, I think.

jM - “I can’t read directions. I can’t read at all!”

Melody - Stew also has the stupid hat.

lizzie - … And she’s afraid of cows.

MelBiv - I wish that cow had mad cow disease and totally chased them.

MelBiv - Oh god, the muffin top.

AvB - I think she needs tighter shorts, too.

Kolby - Help me out here, there is a Shea and a Shealyn?

Blonde_Savant - Here comes the screaming.

Pinky_McLadybits - Her shorts are too tight and that’s why she can’t breathe.

Cindy - She’s in pain from walking? It’s totally hard to walk and breathe at the same time.

lizzie - It really isn’t that hard to set up a tent.

Kolby - I’d give anything to see a map of where they are and how far they actually had to

Pinky_McLadybits - Well, he’s wearing a Kid Rock hat and you expect him to comfort you?

Melody - Lizzie, there are the words and things to do and it’s SO HARD.

MelBiv - I’ve given up on names for the girls… there’s Skunk Hair, Crazy Facial Piercing
Girl (aka the Whiner), the Cutesy one, and Charm’s Suffering GF.

AvB - She sounds exactly like my 5 year old niece, who just had a hissy tantrum over dinner.

Blonde_Savant - Amanda’s boyfriend maintains an amazing level of calm considering the crazy that’s coming at him.

Pinky_McLadybits - It just amazes me that these people really thought about their hair and how they wanted to look and THAT is what they chose.

Kolby - Do these fools not watch Bear Grylls?

Cindy - This is by far the most ridiculous show I’ve watched.

MelBiv - Damn, Tat Tool is so deep.

Cindy - “You’re not just a piece of ass”

Kolby - I SHOULD be thinking about marrying you, honey. But I’m not.

Pinky_McLadybits - How did I just now see those 8th grade gym socks on Hillbilly?

AvB - That’s some romantic nose picking, there.

Melody - Really, where do they get the bandanas?

AvB - Also, I hate all their stupid head rags from Bandana Depot or Bandanas-R-Us

lizzie - There’s a bandana closet in the man-shun.

Cindy - Please Godtopus, don’t let my kids be dumb when they grow up.

Kolby - Poor dear. He ain’t never gonna change, idiot!

Blonde_Savant - Oh, barefoot and drunk in the woods, smart girl.

lizzie - Did he just tell her she’s worth more than a motel 6?

AvB - Charm is SUCH a JACKASS.

Melody - Charm needs to be kicked in his tiny tool.

Pinky_McLadybits - Gah, Skunkhair makes me sad for her.

Cindy - She never thought they’d make it this far? To a VH1 reality show?

AvB - And he’s crying again.

MelBiv - Dare to dream big, cindy.

Cindy - This chick is a bigger tool than her tool.

Pinky_McLadybits - Maybe she’d be nicer if they had the date in a double-wide.

Blonde_Savant - How does he have no clue how to be a boyfriend?

Cindy - Reality show violence is OK.

Melody - Actually, she’s already got in trouble for knocking the hell out of him earlier this

jM - Aww, they’re at the back of the shortbus.

Blonde_Savant - Amanda has an interesting view of reality.

Pinky_McLadybits - Did Skunkhair’s, um, underhair get lighter?

Kolby - Amanda has a Meth complexion.

MelBiv - Trina confuses me … she’s got a British accent, so she’s obviously classy, but then she dresses about 20 years too young.

Kolby - I think Skunkhair washed her hair. The darkness was grease.

Pinky_McLadybits - Are her eyebrow piercings purposely in a ‘S’ shape for Stew?

Melody - S for stripper?

Blonde_Savant - S for Stupid.

Cindy - If they have kids, she’ll look like Pinhead.

lizzie - Charm thinks his problem was the TENT?!

AvB - Clearly, that’s the root of his problem.

Blonde_Savant - These fools get $100,000?

Pinky_McLadybits - Charm’s bedazzled vest is the tits!

Blonde_Savant - Can you imagine the bandanas they will buy?

jM - They need to bring Tyra in and do some tool makeovers.

lizzie - Which they will promptly blow on tricking out the double wide and on coke.

Kolby - Look how scared they are, like they’re really getting expelled from school.

AvB - But at least they’re super sparkly!

Blonde_Savant - It looks like they decorated them by themselves.

AvB - That is a good word for this whole show, in general: alarming.

Pinky_McLadybits - If Tattool tripped and fell, I bet his hair would get stuck in the wall.

jM - Charm constantly looks like he’s thinking of something that’s about to break his

lizzie - Dammit. I don’t want to be sucked into this hot mess.

Cindy - Decision time.

Kolby - Oh, thank goodness, I couldn’t take the suspense any longer.

Melody - Charm cannot be that good in the sack.

Cindy - Just a tool.

AvB - Oh no he di’int!

MelBiv - Even the host is like, good riddance.

Pinky_McLadybits - You forgot your bedazzled jacket! COME BACK!!!

Kolby - Whoa, that takes balls, tossin’ the threads like that.

Pinky_McLadybits - “No one cares, Charm” HA!

Cindy - I have never been so embarrassed to watch a show in my life!

jM - When two tools fight, is it called Toolboxing?

Pinky_McLadybits - So, she just goes home with him and they continue to date in horrific

Kolby - I hate these people so much.

Cindy - Throwdown!

Kolby - Walk back to the OC, bitch.

AvB - Says Skunk girl, who goes with Chia boy.

Pinky_McLadybits - “Oh, her douche boyfriend is sooo much worse than mine!”

MelBiv - I can’t even think straight, I’m dazzled by Stew’s shiny lapels.

lizzie - DUDE. I’m done.

Blonde_Savant - I might need to watch the next one…

This post is part of Paheeba Day 2009. An explanation of Paheeba Day can be found in the Pajiba Dictionary.

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.