What Would A 'Twilight' Theme Park Look Like? The Overlords Have Some Suggestions.
It was announced this week that Hunger Games and Twilight would be getting their own theme parks. No, really. Well, sort of. Lionsgate will be opening Lionsgate Movie World in South Korea in 2019, featuring zones dedicated to Lionsgate blockbuster movies.
Some movie spin-off theme parks make a lot of sense. Harry Potter: cool. When Disney bought up Lucasfilm and the rights to Star Wars, one of my first thoughts was ‘YES! That means a theme park!’ And while Hunger Games and Twilight meet similar criteria — i.e. massive cash-cow franchises with legions of fans who will buy lots of merchandise — I’m not convinced they would work as theme parks.
Of the two, I can kind of understand a Hunger Games theme park. There are opportunities for interesting design. But…it’s a bit bleak, right? I’m not sure ‘Hey, here’s the teen murder ride! Run for your life while some comically groomed fascists come up with elaborate ways to kill you!’ will set the best tone. Maybe as a Halloween feature?
But Twilight, now that’s even more bananas. Isn’t that just ‘Here’s an overcast national park’? Well, never fear, theme park designers. The Overlords have some suggestions for how to make the Twilight theme park work.
Explore the thrilling zones of the park: Teen Angst World, Sexual Frustration World, Creepy and Controlling World, and Sudden Violent Decapitation World. Spend some cash in the Vampire Metamorphosis Shopping Mall, where you can get a makeover in the Vampire Pretty Palace! Adults can pay an additional supplement to visit Fanfic world, which includes an exclusive Christian Grey Helicopter Ride for just $100! Here’s an exclusive sneak peek…
Why not enjoy the Twilight Safari: drive through in your own minivan, after collecting your complimentary Edward or Jacob vibrator with car plug-in attachment. How do you choose, you ask? Well, one is water cooled to just above freezing, and the other is covered in shag rug. Fun!
Visit the Twilight photobooth, where you are de-aged to an infant and photographed with Jacob proposing to you.
Be sure to visit Sploosh Mountain, where you bungee jump off a cliff and a 100-year-old virgin catches you.
Certain to be a popular choice is the Spider Monkey ride, where they strap you to the back of an Edward and you jump from redwood to redwood!
At the Twilight Fair, you can enjoy some rock smashing and arm-wrestling. Catch a mountain lion and win a prize!
Pet a werewolf in the animatronic petting zoo!
Ride the bumper cars towards groups of disgusting men harassing you!
Chew a baby out of someone in the Terrifying Orgy of Birth and Blood House!
Find out your vampire baby name using our Awful Blend Generator!
No theme park would be complete without its own characters. But there are no anthropomorphic mice here. Just shirtless and/or sparkling young men.
There are plenty of options available, if you want to stay the night and maximize your time at the park. You can choose to either lie in a bed while someone stares at you, or to stand and watch someone sleep. Or, for the adventurous types, there’s a luxury campsite in the snow. Don’t worry: if it gets too cold, you can rent a warm-blooded fellow to spoon you while your partner watches.
If all that isn’t quite enough to tempt you, there’s also baseball! And Muse! And barely-veiled Mormon values!
Lionsgate: We are ready to lead on this if you need us.
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