Argentina Beaches Invaded by Thousands of Suggestive Worms

By Nate Parker | News | July 20, 2023 |

By Nate Parker | News | July 20, 2023 |

In what looks at first glance like the grisly remains of an AVN Awards afterparty gone horribly wrong, thousands of phallic fish have washed up in Argentina after oceanic storms in the Rio Grande area.

The “Penis fish,” as they’re popularly called, are actually spoon worms that live on the bottom of the ocean feeding on decomposing material until ocean currents scoop them up and deposit them with a fleshy slap on beaches worldwide. They’re also known as the “fat innkeeper’s worm,” after a non-Jewish man who was very popular in his community (citation required). Less familiar names include the peckerfish, the turgid wriggler, and the Jacques Cousteau Special, but not the dongfish. The shaft of Urechis unicinctus specimens typically measure 8 - 10 inches in warm waters, though female marine biologists estimate the average length is closer to 6 inches. It has a thick head surrounded by… loose skin, and oh sweet god it feeds by excreting sticky mucus from its proboscis that glues itself to food before the spoon worm slurps it back in.

Significant numbers of spoon worms wash ashore on a semi-regular basis around the world. 2019 saw thousands of floppy dongs land on California beaches, and they’re a part of Korean and Chinese cuisine (no jokes about Asian diets, please; our nation invented scrapple and circus peanuts). These creatures serve as a reminder of Nature’s tumescent majesty, and that what happens under the surface of the ocean is none of our business.