By John Wiz | Music | June 11, 2009 |
By John Wiz | Music | June 11, 2009 |
Not much more explanation needed than what it says in the title, except that I am going purely on vocals as interpreted by me. You may think some of these people are fantastic singers or frontmen…but at best, they are questionable vocalists. And it’s my opinion…so there’s that too. Flame on.
10. Megadeth — “Loved to Deth”
What better way to start an ‘I Love You’ list than with a little Mega-Dave, the nasaliest voice in metal?! I’m pretty sure Dave was a bit upset when this song was written, but it just sets my heart a-flutter. And if my heart doesn’t flutter, it at least conjures images of frustrated thrown away love…the kind of love that makes you want to rip someone’s heart out and watch it flutter til it stops. :: sigh :: Dave’s such a romantic and this song melts your face in the name of love.
9. Shane McGowan and Sinead O’Connor — “Haunted”
OK…before you say anything I had to put this song on the list and near the bottom for 2 reasons. First… I love me some Popes and they happen to hit the list twice in some form. I couldn’t have two of them in the top 5. Second… there’s no denying how beautiful Sinead O’Connor sounds on this track so the score is automatically lowered because only 50% of the song is done by a vocalist with a bad voice. I give you, Shane McGowan And Sinead O’Connor.
8. Motörhead — “Love Me Like a Reptile”
No way in hell we’re getting away from this thing without some Lemmy. And what better than “Love Me Like A Reptile”? Ace of Spades is probably one of my top 10 face smashing albums of all time (ooo! idea for another list!) and while this song is certainly lacking in the lyrical depth department, there’s no denying Master Kilmister is commanding you to wrap your lips around his nutsack and hum…and what better way to tell a girl you love her than that, eh Lemmy?
7. Misfits — “Saturday Night”
Some people think the Michael Graves era of the Misfits was a giant bag of suck. And they are entitled to that opinion. I just love the Misfits in any incarnation that isn’t the current version of “The Jerry Only All-Star Band.” And what better reason to miss someone out at your old date spot than if they were dead? I dig the vocals on here, no matter how hokey they may seem or how hard they were trying to conjure the late 50’s drive in feel.
6. Mike Ness — “Once A Day”
Connie Smith originally recorded this song in 1960 but “Music is the deadliest vice,” so sayeth Mike Ness’s liner notes. And musically, he’s one of mine. He takes what, for me, is a boring-as-hell country song, flips it on its ear, and puts some stank on it. Everything he does, every note he sings, every string he strums, every line he belts is in the name of love. Hot, sweaty, ass-slapping, nail gouging, fuckin’ in the back seat of a chop-top ‘46 Ford - Love.
5. Pantera — “This Love”
I know this is a bit of a stretch because it isn’t exactly a love song, but Fuck You. Phil Anselmo has a message to convey and Dimebag is his cornerman. This love thing wasn’t everything it was cracked up to be and Phil has something to say about it. He uses romantic words like fist, scar, and kill. The only way this song could be any better is if one of those shitty musical Hallmark cards played it at Valentine’s Day.
4. Red Hot Chili Peppers — “Suck My Kiss”
At the opposite end of Phil Anselmo’s pain, we have Anthony Kiedis and the Chili Peppers. And he’s excited about love. And make no mistake, I believe my own words. I used this very song as forecaster of things to come with my current girlfriend…especially after our first truly intimate date. Dinner, drinks, 5 hours of slamming each other into the wall and licking each other all over, and then I get in the car to drive home only to hear the dulcet tones of Anthony Kiedis. Suck my kiss indeed.
3. Bob Dylan — “Most of the Time”
How could you get through a list of singers with bad voices and not use Bob Dylan? That’s like a day without sunshine or a Pajiban without an alcohol dependency. It is like shooting fish in a barrel to say that Bob can’t sing worth a damn. But shit, that man can write, and this song tears my heart out. Most people will recognize this song from John Cusack’s 137th career scene in the rain in High Fidelity. Seriously…I challenge you to find an actor who works better than Cusack at gettin’ rained on.
2. Beck — “Debra”
Vocally Beck is hit or miss. Here he totally cheeses it up with the most brilliant forced falsetto in the history of humanity. This song is 100% pure devotion to one person…and her sister. And I’m proud to say that along with my obsession and overall Beck geekdom, I can hit every single note. Ladies…drop the panties ‘cuz this shit is smooth.
1. Shane McGowan & The Popes — “Lonesome Highway”
Oh low-and-behold we have our glorious number one! He’s one of the ugliest most incomprehensible men with the gruffest, drunkest sounding voice in all things rock ‘n roll, and the song couldn’t be any fucking better than it already is. Nobody could do it the right way.
John Wiz (aka PissBoy) is a fan of all things that don’t suck and can be found at random moments giggling at shiny things in the streets of Wilmington. When things are dull he’s a whore for corporate America while trying to be a special make-up effects artist.