I think I proved beyond a shadow of a doubt yesterday that I am a Romance Expert. I won’t lower myself to Romance Apprentice by explaining my credentials to you. That’s just rude of you to ask.
Here are ten awesome songs to listen to while you bang. Romantically.
1. “I Believe In A Thing Called Love” by The Darkness
Sexiest lyric: “I want to kiss you every minute, every hour, every day.” I think he means in the no-no place.
2. “Fuck Her Gently” by Tenacious D
Sexiest lyric: “What’s your favorite dish/ I’m not gonna cook it, but I’ll order it from Zanzibar!” JB knows he can’t cook your food right, so he knows to outsource.
3. “All That She Wants” by Ace of Base
Sexiest lyric: “It’s a night of passion, but the morning means goodbye.” I think she is gone because she is a ghost. I don’t understand how Swedes do the sex.
4. “Give It To You” by Jordan Knight
Sexiest lyric: “Baby, you know that I’ll give it to you/Your body needs a man like me.” I heard that this was the first dance for Donnie Wahlberg and Jenny McCarthy at their wedding. Not by choice.
5. “I Wanna Sex You Up” by Color Me Badd
Sexiest lyric: “Girl you know it feels real good/We can do it til we both wake up.” Wait a minute, kids. One of you is asleep while the other is sexing up? That seems not great.
6. “You Shook Me All Night Long” by AC/DC
Sexiest lyric: “Made a meal out of me and came back for more.” If your Valentine doesn’t drop trou after hearing the opening of this song, you drop them like the band’s original lineup.
7. “Take Me Home Tonight” by Eddie Money
Sexiest lyric: “Anticipation’s running through me/Let’s find the key and turn this engine on.” The key is his penis.
8. “A Kiss From A Rose” by Seal
Sexiest lyric: “I’ve been kissed by a rose on the grey.” I don’t know what this means, but I read somewhere it landed Heidi Klum.
9. “All For Love” by Bryan Adams, Rod Stewart, Sting
Sexiest lyric: “We got everything and more than we had planned, more than the rivers that run the land.” It’s a metaphor for KY Jelly and toys, I believe.
10. “Let’s Get It On” by Marvin Gaye
Sexiest lyric: “There’s nothing wrong with me/Loving you, baby no no/And giving yourself to me can never be wrong/If the love is true.”