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Music Videos That Failed Miserably In Their Quest To Be Harbingers Of Sexy Times

By Jodi Smith | Music | July 26, 2016 |

By Jodi Smith | Music | July 26, 2016 |

After Joe’s list of 90’s song to help with sexing, I jokingly posted this winner in the comments:

Truthfully, I find the song and accompanying video to be the exact opposite of a catalyst for making the beast with two backs. I do, however, find it hilarious for many reasons. Lead Singer, Kenny G, Fat George Michael, and Grown Up Cockroach are dressed in leather and basically singing about tantric sex, right? Except they call it loving you in slow motion: “let me love you slow so morning can come before I do”. It’s not poetic and naughty. It’s middle school and kind of annoying.

Additionally, do you know how much chafing would occur from you holding onto your nut all damned night? Meanwhile you’re loving me slow and I’m annoyed, but I kind of want to see if you can keep your promise of coming after the morning, because I have the day off from work tomorrow and can recover from all of this marathon bumping and grinding. Sheeeeeit.

This got me thinking about other music videos and songs that were trying to jump-start some journeys to the Bone Zone, but ended up sending people to Pushing Rope Valley: Home of the Uncontrollable Giggles.

Backstreet Boys - “Everybody (Backstreet’s Back)”

Calm down! I am not saying that this is a bad song, as it is clearly an AMAZING song that I sing at the top of my lungs when the mood strikes. I’m just saying that watching Nick Carter wobble his bathing suit area around while he’s dressed like a half-rotted mummy.

Maybe you would argue that they aren’t trying to be sexy here, but I disagree. EXHIBIT A: The lyrics: “Am I sexual? Yeah. Am I everything you need? You better rock your body now”. BOOM LAWYER’D!

Robin Thicke (featuring T.I. & Pharrell WIlliams) - “Blurred Lines” (NSFW)

Just because a video has boobs and jiggling, that doesn’t make it sexy. In this case, it’s weird and predatory. The women are accessories and playthings, which isn’t the best way to get some sexy times going, unless you’re a person that’s into ladies and getting it on with yourself, I guess.

And the dancing is awkward and ridiculous. I mean, really. Rhythm, have you heard of it?

Johnny Gill - “Rub You The Right Way”

This song is clearly trying to get you to let Gill do some sensual work on you. However, the video is less than panty-dropping. Inexplicable press conference, leotard-clad dancers, and Gill dancing in shiny purple garbage bags. It’s a real boner-killer of a video.

t.A.T.u. - “All the Things She Said”

Russian girls pretending to be lesbians for pop careers! How is watching two seemingly underage[they were 17 at the time] girls make out in rain a turn on for anyone other than pedophiles and other teenagers? It just makes me want to call Chris Hansen.

Since I’m nice, I’ll leave you with this: