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Always Slap Your Turkey And Other Thanksgiving Proclamations

By Emily Cutler | Late Night TV | November 23, 2016 |

By Emily Cutler | Late Night TV | November 23, 2016 |

- Always slap your turkey at least once. You can slap it again later if need be.

- Canned cranberry sauce is immediately outlawed.

- Stuffing should be made of week-old Wonder Bread. If you want to make some sort of cornbread-based side dish with cranberries and dates and carrots or whatever, that’s cool. But it’s not stuffing.

-Also not stuffing? “Dressing.” “Dressing” is the stuff that goes on your salad (if your parents hate you enough that they make you eat salad on Thanksgiving). “Stuffing” is the white-bread-based dish that used to be stuffed into a turkey and which God gave us to make up for not being able to fly. Each dish on the table needs a different name. Otherwise chaos ensues.

- Real whip cream > Reddi Wip > Cool Whip.

- Marshmallows on sweet potatoes ruins both. Unless you’re making s’mores or Rice Krispy treats, marshmallows should never, ever be cooked. It ruins the structural integrity, and turns them into a sticky, gross mess. Marshmallows belong only in the lemon Jell-O mold with pineapple and cream cheese where the chilled Jell-O gently cups the marshmallow in its original form.

- Gravy is bad (post to follow so don’t waste all of your energy destroying the comment section here).

- Actually don’t slap your turkey because we’re done with turkey as the main dish. Turkey is fine, or whatever, but it goes against the ethos of the holiday. Do we have just one giant plate of mashed potatoes? No, we have six different kinds of side dishes, because this is supposed to be a goddamn feast. So no more turkey. You can have a turkey representation via a roasted turkey breast or leg, but we’re going to throw in some prime rib too. And maybe a nice fish plate. And maybe a pork tenderloin, but not a ham because ham is the worst. It’s your holiday, you run with it. Just so long as I don’t see a single can of cranberries, because so help me God, I will flip my lid.

Happy Thanksgiving, people.