Republicans Are Bad At Bits

By Emily Cutler | Late Night TV | December 15, 2017 |

By Emily Cutler | Late Night TV | December 15, 2017 |

Look, with all of the problems with the current Republican Party (the sexism, the racism, the lack of understanding of basic economics, the unwillingness to listen to the wishes of their own base let alone the American people on the whole, their shocking inability to get a single bill passed into law, but wait maybe that’s a good thing given their apparent open hostility to laws that would actually benefit anyone other than billionaires, and, of course, that pesky medical issue that causes them to plant their lips firmly on the asses of their super rich donors and just, like, leave them there), it might seem petty to pick on a group of people for not being as media savvy as they should be.

But, Republicans, my dudes, this is not how you engage the public.

Who are you doing this shit for, Republicans? What prom court nomination did Omarosa lose that is now causing her to have thirty-nine goddamn bridesmaids? And also, who do you think you’re fooling with this shit? I’ve met grown women before. I even happen to know grown women who have many close friends. They have 8 bridesmaids tops. Omarosa was blessed enough to show the world that she knows almost forty people who are as desperate for the limelight as she is. And it couldn’t have happened to a nicer person.

But it’s not just failed White House staffers who don’t understand how humans function. It’s also failed Republican Senate Child Molesters candidates who are child molesters. Roy Moore tried his goddamnest to prove to the citizens of Alabama that he’s the modern day John Wayne they need. And he fucked up spectacularly. Although I should mention, even if that weren’t clearly his first time on a horse, that whole bit still would have failed. Because the only people impressed with a Senator riding his horse to the polls are assholes who don’t ride horses but think it would be pretty cool if they did. There’s targeted campaigning, and then there’s a niche market who doesn’t care if their Senator molested young girls.

Now, let’s say you’re not an alleged sexual assailant, but still want to let the world know that you’re just the goddamn worst? Try destroying the internet while giving people the douche chills (“light touch” is now up there with the words “moist” and “panties” as the most nauseating), and drinking out of an oversized novelty mug. See, it’s funny because he’s got a really important job, and he’s using it to fuck people over. But with a big mug! Like, it’s really big! Almost big enough to make up for what I can only assume is a startling lack of a personality! Like, you know how it would be really funny to find out that Anthony Hopkins loves World of Warcraft because he seems so British and proper and is so good at his job? And playing WoW is inconsistent with our understanding of what proper British knights do? So it would be an endearing quirk that layers Hopkins personality? That’s what Pai is doing with his giant, shitty mug except it’s completely keeping in character with what we know about the guy, and he’s terrible at his job. It’s more like when you find out that guy in high school who took gym class way too seriously has that mug. It all kind of checks out.

And again, I’m not pretending that a lack of skill with optics is the Republicans’ greatest crime, but I am arguing that they’re soulless monster-aliens who are desperately attempting to pass for humans by mimicking 1950s Westerns, 1980s bad high school movies, and the worst reality TV the universe has to offer. I’m sorry, monster-aliens, not even you should have had to suffer through that.