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Allow 'Last Week Tonight' And Their Warren G. Harding Biopic To Slide You Back Into The Work Week

By Emily Cutler | Late Night TV | July 5, 2017 |

By Emily Cutler | Late Night TV | July 5, 2017 |

I have a long-standing rant I’ve been developing over the years about American holidays, and the days off that people should get for them. For instance, most people have properly figured out that the Monday after Easter is a non-working day. What I continue to object to is the fact that Easter falls on a different Sunday each year, and I can never remember which Sunday it is (you can try teaching me in the comments, but I swear on everything holy, I’ll never retain that knowledge). However, Easter has gotten it right in that you will always get a Monday off for the holiday. You never have to work two days, take a day off, and then head back to the office again for another two useless days because Christ is risen.

It’s why I’ve developed my patented, two-day floating holiday. We continue with holidays on specific dates i.e. Veterans Day is November 11th, Labor Day is September 5th, Christmas is December 25th. Then if the holiday falls on a Sunday, you celebrate Sunday and take a day off Monday. If the holiday falls on a Monday or Tuesday, you take Monday off to celebrate and get Tuesday off to recover. Then you reverse it for the back half of the week. If the holiday falls on a Thursday, you take off Thursday and Friday. Holiday on Fridays mean you’re only getting Friday off. Some years you get more working days off, some years less. But it all evens out. Most importantly, holidays never fall on Wednesdays. Because that’s horseshit. In even years, you move the holiday to Tuesday. In odd years, move it to Thursday. All holidays will hence forth be assigned specific dates so there’s no more of this “First Monday in the month after a full week has taken place in that month” nonsense.

Two caveats: Thanksgiving will forever be on the last Thursday of November. Everyone gets Thursday and Friday off. If you’re an employer who makes people work the day after Thanksgiving, you’re a bad person. And two, this is only the working calendar until I can convince the world to adopt the International Fixed Calendar. That will, of course, require an entirely different set of holiday rules. But I’m assuming at that point, a proper socialist agenda will have been implemented, and the world will finally see the twenty-four hour work week we all deserve.

All of which is to say, I really needed this this morning.

What I’m most impressed with is how in keeping this biopic is compared to the recent Oscar-bait we’ve gotten. They’ve even managed to work in the standard age difference in romantic relationships with a mere 120 years between Anna Kendrick and Warren. And if we’re willing to give an Oscar to Casey Affleck, then goddamnit, a wax statue deserves his recognition too.

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