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Sit Down, And Shut Up For Once In Your Goddamn Life, James Comey

By Emily Cutler | Late Night TV | July 26, 2018 |

By Emily Cutler | Late Night TV | July 26, 2018 |


I don’t want to exaggerate or use hyperbole this early in the morning, but I’d like to point out, James Comey is one-hundred percent wrong about literally everything he’s ever said or thought.

Wait, that’s too much. That was inaccurate of me, and I apologize. James Comey is wrong about everything he’s ever said or thought that I know about. There. That feels better.

Case in point.

A) NOBODY ASKED YOU, JAMES COMEY. I don’t know which of the two doors in front of you made you decide that you should start a Twitter account because Democrats are just dying to hear what you think about shit (spoiler alert, we’re not), but you picked the wrong door. It’s a feeling you should be wildly familiar with.

B) I am completely and utterly done with this false equivalency bullshit that leftists and socialists are the same as the far right wing of the Republican party (Editor’s Note: now referred to as “The Republican Party”) and the alt-right (Editor’s Note: Nazis). Being “outside the mainstream” isn’t itself a negative determination. You can be “outside the mainstream” by believing that every citizen of a modern, moral and wealthy society should have enough money and resources to live, or you can be “outside the mainstream” by believing that putting children in cages is a good deterrent for a non-existent problem. THOSE THINGS AREN’T THE SAME, JAMES COMEY.

It’s like Comey just refuses to learn any of the lessons from the 2016 election. First lesson: not talking is an option, James Comey. Second lesson: no one is responding “sensible, balanced, ethical leadership” when it comes in the form of the middle of the road, uninspired, and ineffective policy. If we did, Hillary would be president right now (you know, that and if you hadn’t colossally fucked her). I don’t even blame Hillary for being uninspiring on her policies. We mostly did that to her through a combination of acquiescence to the Republican Party for a full generation, and sheer, unmitigated sexism. But outside of what the media and the Democratic voters forced on her campaign, her middle of the road, “sensible” platform was enough to put her within striking distance of the most incompetent candidate to ever run for President (and then Comey striked all over her shit).

Comey’s (again, totally unsolicited) advice also misses a big goddamn point: most people want the policies offered by the “socialist left.” Affordable childcare? Guaranteed healthcare? Economic policies that pay people a livable wage? An education to train you for your career that won’t put you into crushing debt? Care to tell me which of these things is “radical”? Were they the ones that scared the shit out of a Republican operative because they would sound so attractive to the majority of Americans?

The point is: fuck off, James Comey. No one asked you, and no one needs your input. And all of this goes double for Joe Lieberman. Fuck Joe fucking Lieberman.

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