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Your Complete Christmas Celebration Guide

By Emily Cutler | Guides | December 16, 2016 |

By Emily Cutler | Guides | December 16, 2016 |

You know what’s going on here. I’m going to give you tips about surviving Christmas parties. These tips most likely apply to any winter holiday party, but a couple of the tips are specifically Christmas-focused, since our Christmas traditions are the most annoying. Or at least in my experience, no one’s ever tried to sexually assault anyone under a sprig of Hanukkah plant. If Christmas wants to be the biggest, then it’s going to have to deal with people taking shots at the king. Deal with it. Also feel free to add your own tips in the comments, but try to make them useful since mine will not be. Happy Holidays to all!

Christmas Music Shall Be Played No Earlier Than December 10th.
This one is a little tricky, because the actual calculation is two Fridays before Christmas. You’re allowed two full weekends to revel in the magic of the season, so I’m willing to round down. But that’s it. Two weeks is more than sufficient. If you insist on contributing to the Christmas Creep, you have to keep it private. And when you do play Christmas music for all to hear, try to make it The Peanuts.

Christmas Parties Shall Take Place No Earlier Than December 10th.
Clearly. If you can’t play the music at the party, it can’t be a Christmas party. If your schedule only allows you to have a party at the beginning of the month, then it has to be a generic holiday or winter party. Make it a Beaujolais party if you need to, and play classical music. But you cannot force people into a Christmas spirit when they haven’t even begun their shopping yet.

Stop Telling People How Much You Love Bourbon
I love bourbon so this is not personal, and I’m breaking my own rule. But bourbon is starting to enter into bacon territory. Oh, you love bacon, you say? That’s interesting, because the only other person who loves bacon is everybody. Everyone loves bourbon. It’s delicious, it goes in hot cider, it gets you drunk. People use Christmas as an excuse to add bourbon to things (great!), but then feel the need to justify it by explaining it’s a “Christmas tradition” and that they’re “really into bourbon now” (Boooooooo!). Number one, those things contradict each other, and number two, no one cares about how much you like things. Just drink the beverage of your choice to make the season bearable, and shut up about it. And if you have to tell people about your drinking habits, make sure it’s funny.

Don’t Mistletoe

Remember That Christmas Sucks For A Lot Of People
I might have just accidentally wandered into actual, legit Christmas advice. Christmas is great in a lot of ways. But for as many reasons, it sucks giant monster balls. Seasonal Affective Disorder, regular complications due to clinical depression or other mental health issues, family issues, money issues, works issues. These are all made worse or significantly brought into focus by the pressure to enjoy the “most wonderful time of the year.” So be generous in your approach to the holiday. Allow the person you’re talking to to not be in the holiday spirit. Be sensitive to the fact that they might want to be invited into your celebration. Or that they might want to be left alone for a bit. It’s a hard thing to navigate, but wanting to be kind and respect other people’s emotions will go a long way.

Every Christmas Party Must Play Every Day At Least Once
There is one, and only one, exception to the Christmas music rule above. William Bell’s Every Day. This can be played at any point in the year, but is required to be played at every Christmas party at least once. You can play it multiple times if you’re afraid that late-comers or early-leavers might miss it. But it needs to be played once.
I mean, just listen to that shit.

Merry Christmas, people.