I took some pizza into the shower this morning but that’s a story for another time. More importantly: Game Of Thrones is back soon! Heading into its final two, shortened, seasons, the great televisual spectacle of our time has some serious questions to answer.
1. That slaving dickhead who got sold out by the two bigger slaving dickheads but spared by Grey Worm—what’s he up to now?
He was the only one of the threesome of slavers left standing. He also got told by Tyrion, in one of the most badass lines ever uttered in a show chock full of badass lines, to ‘tell the people what happened when Daenerys Stormborn and her dragons came to Slaver’s Bay’. Is he doing that now? Is he wandering around, mad-eyed, his make-up all ruined, shouting at anyone who’ll listen: ‘Dragons! Dragons is what fucking happened when Daenerys Stormborn and her dragons came to Slaver’s Bay! Also anyone selling any human beings?’
2. So, I dunno how long of a sail it is to Westeros from Essos, but when last we saw Dany’s monstrous fleet, everyone in sight seemed to be standing stock still and bolt upright, boring a hole in the horizon with their eyes. Are they going the whole way like that? Does Dany have Grey Worm throw any stretchers or slouchers overboard? Let’s be honest: I love Dany, but the kwazy kween is going mad with power. She totally does.
3. Does Jaime ever make this face again?
Jaime Lannister has had one of the most well-developed character arcs on the whole show. He’s grown from a leering, sister-fucking villain into a nuanced, layered, sympathetic and conflicted (albeit still sister-fucking) human being. And that’s great. But I kinda miss the sneers. No-one in the whole of Westeros, perhaps Baelish aside, has got a sneer game as strong as the Kingslayer.
4. So, uh, who had to clean it up?
Who had to clean it up?
Presumably someone had to clean that up. Give us a multi-episode arc about that, Game Of Thrones. It’ll still be a better story than Arya in the hall of the faceless king or whatever that place was.
5. These two keep hanging out right?
I can’t remember off the top of my head where exactly the last season left Bronn and Jaime, but I am pretty sure they weren’t hanging around together anymore. Which is a goddamn shame. Jaime, you’re too good for that mental, sept-exploding sister of yours now. She’s lost it. Stick with Bronn instead. He’ll call you a cunt a few more times and your humility transformation will be complete.
Don’t stop sneering though.
6. DON’T BE A TWAT, GAME OF THRONES, BRING BACK THIS JAQEN!
Not strictly a question, sure, but do you even remember how fuckin’ epic it was when Jaqen H’ghar was the mysterious, vengeful ghost of Harrenhal, helping little Arya Stark out with her murders; instead of the lonely face-washing, waif-dispatching janitor of the House of Black and White, selling dime store zen koans and delaying murders? The former was compelling, cryptic shit. Bring that dude back.
7. Karsi’s not really gone, is she?
8. Will the Sand Snakes ever do anything useful?
9. This bloke loooooooooved Baelish’s joke about Barristan Selmy dying as a ‘naked knight, apparently’:
What became of him? With a fake laugh game like that he must’ve gotten pretty far. Anyone who’s ever worked in an office knows a person who laughs at a superior’s jokes like that. Twat.
10. And last but definitely not least: why oh why did I use that header pic when there’s not a single drop of Oberyn Martell in this whole damn post??
Questions, questions, questions!