Based on the glut of bad weather-themed thrillers coming out, you’d think Hollywood was tapping into some sort of subconscious paranoia about, oh I dunno, global warming or something. But if you thought Geostorm was as dumb as the trend could get, then hold onto your butts because The Hurricane Heist is here to make you wish a bigass storm could just wash you away. Or at least demolish the nearest cineplex.
First off, can we talk about the holy-shitastic tag lines? “Get The Money” is just dumb, and “Make It Rain” is too easy, but the fact that they chose “The Ultimate Storm For The Perfect Heist” instead of the OBVIOUSLY MORE APPROPRIATE “The Perfect Storm For The Ultimate Heist” physically hurts me. And then they add in “$600 Million Stolen At 600 Miles Per Hour”, which… THAT’S NOT HOW ROBBERY OR STORMS WORK. But hey, at least that’s a pitch-perfect use of the Scorpions hit “Rock You Like A Hurricane”!
The Darwin Awards: The Movie The Hurricane Heist is basically Logan Lucky meets Twister as produced by the Syfy channel. The fact that a shark didn’t go zipping by at any point during the trailer is frankly astonishing. The film stars Maggie Grace, Toby Kebbell, and Ryan Kwanten — several people you’ve definitely seen on TV before (but I refuse to tell you where, mostly because trying to place them is the most fun you’re gonna have and I’M DOING YOU A FAVOR). It’s directed by the steady hand of xXx and The Fast and The Furious helmer Rob Cohen, who has apparently traded in the high-priced toys of those franchises for… a couple of 18-wheelers.
(Please note the confidence this film has, to have 4 distinct tag-lines in the trailer and feature only trucks, cash and rain on the poster)
Here’s the official synopsis, in case it helps (it doesn’t, it really doesn’t):
Under the threat of a hurricane, opportunistic criminals infiltrate a US Mint facility to steal $600 million for the ultimate heist. When the hurricane blows up into a lethal CATEGORY 5 storm and their well-made plans go awry, they find themselves needing a vault code known only by one Treasury Agent (Maggie Grace), a need that turns murderous. But the Treasury agent has picked up an unlikely ally, a meteorologist (Toby Kebbell) terrified of hurricanes but determined to save his estranged brother kidnapped by the thieves. He uses his knowledge of the storm as a weapon to win in this non-stop action thriller ride charged with adrenaline throughout.
The Hurricane Heist will blow us all the fuck away on March 9 (the same day, it should be noted, that A Wrinkle In Time releases, so plan accordingly!). We’re already arguing in Slack over who gets to review this masterpiece, but for the rest of you, plan to watch this on Starz or something in like 6 months. Or on Syfy in a year.